A few months ago I (18) found out about my dad having an affair. I told my mom a few weeks ago after I waited several months simply bc i was overwhelmed and pictured my family falling apart.
For several reasons my mom can’t talk to my dad about it yet, so it’s our „secret“, my dad doesn’t know that we know. Since i told my mom, she spends the whole day thinking about what he is doing, trying to find out where he is, and talking to me about it. She only talks about this topic 24/7. There is nothing else anymore. Like when we‘re watching a movie and there is a couple she starts talking about the topic. And i can’t escape it bc i’m still going to school and live with my parents.
Also she always pressures me to go look at my dads phone at what he was texting with his affair bc it’s easier for me to access his phone. Even when i’m at school or out with friends she texts me when something new happens or she finds something out.
I get that she needs somebody to talk. But i don’t wanna be that person. I don’t like talking about my problems, it’s not the way i cope and i’ve lived several months with this already and this topic is also affecting me a lot. Every time she talks to me about it i fell very depressed and the whole day is basically fucked for me.
So I tell her all of the time that i don’t want to hear about the topic anymore. But she never stops so i snap at her. i tell her to stop, to stop talking. then she says she has to tell me all of this bc i have to know to protect myself or whatever. but i don’t want to know every little detail about how my dad is betraying my mom it’s just so much. Then i snap at her again and sometimes we fight.
And i feel bad bc i know i should support her. I probably should listen to her bc she doesn’t want to talk to anyone else about this and she is clearly depressed bc of this. But i cannot bear it. I cannot see her crying all the time nor listen all day to how bad my dad is and what an ass he is.
But also i might be the asshole i should support my mom in this hard time. instead i probably make it even harder for her.
So am I the asshole? should i be nicer to her?
NTA. Your Mom is talking to you because you are the only one that knows. She needs to speak to her husband. I understand that she is very upset, but she cannot put you in the middle.
NTA. You’re in a really tough spot, and it sounds like your mom is leaning on you way too much. It’s okay to tell her you can’t handle it; you have your own life and feelings to deal with. Maybe suggest she talk to a friend or a therapist instead?
I only had to read the title.
NTA. Parents should NEVER lean on their children emotionally when the marriage has problems. Your mom need to lean on her friends or a therapist or her own family members.
Nta. You are NOT your mom’s therapist or psychiatrist. She needs to talk to someone and that isn’t you. It’s not fair to you either.
NTA. You’re her child, not her therapist or age-appropriate friend or her husband. It’s wholly yucky to drag a child into romantic drama.
NTA. Your mom needs to decide to either address it with your dad or not – but you shouldn’t be the person she puts all of her emotions on. It’s not your burden to carry.
NTA She shouldn’t be putting you in the middle of this.
NAH
She shouldn’t be unloading on you, but having to fake your relationship knowing your husband betrayed you must be extremely hard.
From the details, I don’t think your mom is being an AH. She needs to talk to someone, it just can’t be you.
She should see a therapist.
NTA
Sheesh.
Tell her to either confront him and get an attorney like a woman with some pride, or accept it and see a damn therapist and shut up about it.
You are her daughter, not her therapist.
NTA
I’m sorry for what your dad is putting your family through.
Your mom should NOT be burdening you with this. Even though you’re an adult, you are still their daughter and getting in the middle of their business is not fair for you. You did enough to bring it to your mom’s attention, and I guess keeping it from him is a tactic so your mom can get her ducks in a row before she leaves him.
Please place a firm boundary down, and let her know she has to find someone else that is NOT any of her children, to speak to about this.
NTA
You shouldn’t have to be in the middle of it or be your Mom’s only source of support. You need to communicate this to your Mom, let her know she needs to see a therapist or talk to a friend or something.
She can vent to a lawyer
NTA she needs to lean on her friends or a therapist not you.
NAH (except for your dad, obviously).
You’re NTA because you’re 18, have done the right thing by telling your mum what your dad is up to and, instead of acting on it, your mum is turning into your problem. This is not how she should be acting.
That said, your mum is also NTA. She’s trapped and has no idea what to do and is obsessing hugely over what the philandering mongrel is up to. It is damaging her, daily.
She needs to *cringe alert* kick his arse to the kerb so she can commence healing and stop dumping on you. It is time to confront him.