I (F27) am autistic and neurodivergent and have been married to my husband (M30) for two years (together six). We live in India where family involvement and traditional gender roles are common though my husband and I don’t personally believe in them much even if we sometimes have to navigate them.
My in laws had come to visit my husbad after his spinal surgery after my parents went back to work. My husband is very supportive and usually avoids leaving me alone with his mother. Recently for the first time in two years he and his father stepped out leaving me alone with my MIL for 3-4 hours. During this time she said several unsettling things
She said my husband is “extremely overprotective” of me and has grown distant from her because of me. She admitted she never wanted a love marriage for him and only agreed because she believed I was severely depressed which would devastate him. (I have multiple chronic health issues and had three surgeries in our first year of marriage.)
She said after marriage wives should do 90% of household work and husbands only 10% and that I am “too modern”. She stated that since she gave birth to my husband she should be his first priority not me.
She criticized that my husband gets angry when she scolds me and called this unhealthy. She told me I should convince him to talk to her more and manage their relationship since he prefers limited contact (calling every 7-10 days) because he feels they haven’t evolved with the times. She implied that because she gave birth to him and paid for his schooling he owes her lifelong priority.
She also said she disapproved of us living together before marriage and believes that if parents say no adult children should obey even regarding marriage. She repeatedly asked hypotheticals like “What if I had completely said no to this marriage?” My husband and I had discussed this long before marriage he always said he would choose me regardless of approval as parental love doesn’t mean control over adult life choices.
When my husband returned her behavior instantly changed polite and normal. She asked me not to tell him what she had said which made me uncomfortable. She often uses words like I am “lucky” or “allowed” to do certain things. When I told her our marriage is based on mutual respect not permission she became upset.
There are smaller repeated behaviors she says she loves cooking but only wants to cook for her husband and son sometimes takes most of the food she makes in our kitchen once joked I don’t fit into some wedding clothes she gave me and took some back and occasionally comments on my body/appearance. She once got upset seeing my husband feed me implying I shouldn’t need that level of care. My husband firmly told her not to speak to me that way or interfere in how we care for each other.
After they left I told my husband everything. He fully supported me and was extremely angry but I asked him not to confront them yet because he is recovering from spinal surgery.
I now feel emotionally drained and keep overthinking it all.
Absolutely NTA, you handled that with grace and you have an awesome husband, though it might be time to have a harder discussion with her about boundaries and the consequences of breaking them
Thank you so much 🤍 I really appreciate your kind words. My husband truly is wonderful and I’m very grateful to have his support. For now we’re taking things slowly because of his recovery, but we are on the same page about setting clearer boundaries going forward. Thank you for the reassurance.
NTA- you’re just standing up for your marriage. She has no say in it. I really think you should discuss this with your husband to let him aware and set boundaries
Thank you so much 🤍 I have spoken to my husband and he fully has my back. We’re on the same page about setting boundaries going forward. I really appreciate your support.
I am aware of the Indian culture norms, and it sounds that your husband is absolutely marvelous to have your back, contrary to many of the stories written here.
You MIL is a malignant, nasty person to speak to you in that fashion and turn on the sweetness when your husband is there.
If there is any way, you and your husband need to minimize contact with MIL as in “You are not allowed to visit.” If this is in any way a possibility, or if you can move far away, I’d advise you to do so.
I hope your husband reigns in your MIL but I am not hopeful due to your culture.
Thank you so much for your understanding and kind words 🤍 It really means a lot. Yes, my husband truly is wonderful and always stands up for me when he notices anything disrespectful.
Something I could not fully include in the post due to character limits is that we already live very far away from his parents because of our jobs. They only visited for a day or two after his surgery. During most of this time, my parents have been here helping take care of my husband and supporting me, along with a couple of our close friends. My mother will also be coming again soon to stay with us for a month because we are both not in a great state physically or mentally right now.
My husband is also very close to my family. He shares a warm and open bond with my parents and my sister, just like I do with my own family. Our household is genuinely 50/50 and we try our best to take care of each other in every way possible.
Of course NTA. I understand why hearing this stuff would be upsetting, but I would suggest not worrying about it so much. It can’t have been that surprising to hear her say it; you already knew that she espouses the traditional views you don’t agree with. The important part is that your husband is clearly and consistently on your side and has no problem telling his mother so.
NTA and cut contact with her. There is no point in keeping someone like this in your life.
NTA. It’s your marriage, not hers.
NTA. Congrats on marrying a good man.
Thank you so much 🤍 He truly is the kind of man I would wish on each and every person, even people who have done me wrong. He is the kind of love everyone deserves, and I feel incredibly grateful to have him in my life.
NTA – she sounds really rude. I would ask my husband to talk to her. It’s better if he’s the one to do it
Your husband supports you. So here’s the thing… You do not have to care one whit what your MIL thinks of you. Simply ignore her rantings.
She’s living in an archaic outdated world, and nothing’s ever going to change that. None of that has to bleed onto you though
And she should never be “scolding” you about anything. Ever. That is not her place. Just that it is not your place to try to facilitate any kind of relationship between your husband and her..
NTA .
Thank you so much 🤍 I actually spoke to my husband about this and told him that she also asked me to facilitate or improve their relationship. He was very clear that it is not my responsibility at all. He said that their relationship could improve literally today, in a second, if she or his father is willing to let go of the control they expect to have and accept that he is an adult who makes his own life decisions. He also reassured me that I did not cause any of this.
Hearing that from him helped a lot, even though I still struggle with guilt and overthinking. I really appreciate your support and perspective.