Hi all, I’m trying to get some perspectives on this because I don’t have a lot of uninvolved people in real life to discuss it with. Background: I have celiac disease, which means that by medical necessity I have to avoid gluten, even in trace amounts. A breadcrumb can be enough to trigger an autoimmune reaction in someone with celiac disease.
I went out to a birthday dinner for a friend-of-a-friend last night, about 10 people in total, most of whom I was familiar with. It was a pretty casual affair. Started at around 6. I went there straight from work. Yesterday morning, I prepared myself a lunch/dinner so that I would have food to eat at work & then food to eat at the dinner (it was a local sandwich shop, super cute but people online said that they were unable to accommodate strict GF diets.) During the workday, I got unexpectedly busy and chose to work through my lunch period so that I could leave on time. I had a little bit to eat in the car, but I was pretty hungry by the time I got to dinner.
In the US, restaurants can restrict diners from eating outside food within their shops – however, most places (especially casual ones) either won’t say anything or will give you an exception if you frame it as a disability accommodation. When my group got their food, I took mine out and began to eat. An employee came over to tell me that I couldn’t eat my own food in the shop. (Note – I don’t blame him or the restaurant at all, it is within their legal rights.) I explained the situation, and he was apologetic but insisted that I couldn’t eat inside the shop.
I told my friends that I was hungry & I was going to step outside to eat for 5-10 minutes. Most of them understood, but a few (including the birthday girl) looked upset. I ate my stupid dinner in record time and returned, sat down and just tried to rejoin the conversation. I really didn’t want to make a scene. Later that night, I got a text from a friend of the birthday girl (an acquaintance of mine, I don’t know her that well) telling me that it was rude of me to ‘make a scene’ by stepping outside and ‘making it all about myself.’ I told her that I was sorry if I made her feel uncomfortable, but I was just hungry and wanted to get some food at the end of a long day. I don’t see any reason to feel like an AH, but I’m not sure what other people would think? AITA?
NTA. As long as you did your due diligence in confirming that the shop would have nothing for you to eat, bringing your own food is a necessity, and if they won’t let you eat it inside, where are you supposed to eat. I suppose you could have been more proactive by calling ahead and verifying that your meal would be allowed to be eaten in the shop (more restaurants are willing to accommodate proactively than when they catch you, in my experience) but that’s kind of above and beyond. You didn’t go to another restaurant you like better. You didn’t tell the birthday girl that she couldn’t choose that shop. You had to eat, you ate, and then you returned to the party and participated.
Clear conscience. Anyone who gives you any shit about it has to plan their next three birthday parties at gluten-free restaurants only.
NTA you were as unintrusive as you could be and came back quickly. But you also shouldn’t be too hungry to enjoy yourself.
The only thing that could have been better would be to have contacted the sandwich shop ahead of time to find out their outside food policy, and then to plan to eat in your car before walking in to join everyone.
NTA-not dying trumps your friends’ desire to have a picture perfect bday. I have allergies and I have to actually tell my friends to shut up because they are so protective of me that they trip over each other trying to explain the problem and often over inflate it. If this happened someone would have probably gone out with me to hang while I ate. The bday girl sucks.
Nta. I hope she never has to personally understand why you had to leave and couldn’t just stay and tough it out. Celiac is really difficult to manage… so I’m sorry that she had to make you simply feeding yourself, a basic human need, an action against herself. Hopefully she does eventually understand the situation from an open minded perspective… but unfortunately it’s not today.
NTA. Would they have reacted the same way if you went out for a smoke or to take a call? You tried. You were hungry. It’s not that deep.
ETA: it was a sandwich shop, ffs. You didn’t interrupt the flow of an omikase service. Jeezus.
NTA, this person is being stupid.
You have a medical condition that restricts what you eat. You went to a restaurant the birthday girl picked without complaining, even though you knew you couldn’t eat there, only enjoy the company of friends. The restaurant asked you to eat your own food outside. You complied, merely letting people know where you were.
NTA
All of that is expected when you have food restrictions. If you had demanded a different meet up place, or had moaned on and on about how you had to step out to eat, that would be different and you would be a little in the wrong. But protecting yourself always comes first, including when food is involved.
NTA.
The birthday girl is not a good friend for getting mad at you.
Ask her which option she’s prefer: that you step out (to eat) or pass out (from not eating).
NTA. I don’t understand why the birthday girl is upset, you explained the situation & it’s not a big deal. As for the server, they could’ve been more accommodating ( I know it’s their decision), I’ve been a server for 41 years & I’ve always let the guest eat their meal in house, I even warm it up & put it their meal on a regular plate & never once have I gotten a reprimand for it ( & I’ve worked everywhere). The only time I wouldn’t is if they come in entitled.
NTA. She probably doesn’t understand the severity of your allergy. Her attitude makes it seem like she thinks you’re one of those people who’s gluten free as part of some bullshit wellness trend.
Definitely NTA, but restaurants don’t let you eat outside food 99.9% of the time.
The move would have been to eat first and then enter the restaurant.
I think you would have been better off being 5-10 minutes late meeting then, and eating in the car.
I would never think i could bring my own food in.
NTA. Inviting someone to a dinner where there are no options for them to eat is bad enough already, but getting mad at them for not wanting to have an allergic reaction and quietly eating their food and returning just for your benefit is… I can’t believe people like this really exist.
NTA. A true friend would not be so self absorbed as to grudge you a few minutes to eat when you are hungry. Frankly as a celiac I might not have attended if a venue with no options for me was selected; that’s a very clear signal that I’m not particularly welcome. If you are inviting your kosher friend for a dinner you don’t pick the Pork Chop house. You don’t invite your seafood allergic friend to Red Lobster. If for some reason the venue is selected and the person says it’s fine they will bring their own food, that might mean they will need a few minutes outside to eat. They showed up! Even though they couldn’t actually eat. So literally entirely for the honour of your presence. If you throw a fit because one guest isn’t there for every second of your party you are pretty self absorbed and not a good friend is all I have to say