I (f) have 2 sisters, older (OS)/younger (YS). OS and I are a generation apart. YS and I are 20 months apart. OS and our brother (rip) were close in age and grew up together similarly to my YS and I. OS has held this against us, saying we are doing things to leave her out/ we are excluding her from the family. YS and I have expressed several times that this is not and never has been our intention.
The issue: My mother last minute said she wanted to go away with us to celebrate OB’s life and that she would pay for everything so that we could all go. I told her I would get back to her, but she booked and paid for the cruise that night. Initially, the cruise attendees were me/mom/OS/YS. **OS is very seriously ill** and none of us are equipped to help her in the event of an emergency. I expressed my concerns to mom, but my parents are pastors/said God will take care of it (or smthng like that). OS insists she could do the 11 hour drive, dialysis the morning of embarkation (4h), the 4 day cruise, debark, dialysis again, then 11 hours back. I suggested somewhere closer to home, but mom had already bought the tickets and it was non refundable/ said if we didn’t go we’d have to pay her back (different issue long story). 2 weeks and going into the week before, OS was hospitalized/did not look fit to travel, so mom started changing the tix. Mom held out that OS would pull through. Mom finally ‘fleeced God’ (Judges 6) and realized OS really shouldn’t go five days before we leave. She changed the tix from herself/OS to my wife/our cousin. She spoke to OS three days before we were to leave and OS understandably was really hurt. Mom said she/OS would go on a trip together at the same time we are gone, just the two of them.
Here is where I might BTA: YS and I knew she was considering taking OS off the cruise. OS had been talking to us about taking days off, needing this, and being excited. I usually just smiled or answered noncommittally or made a joke to hide the awkwardness of it all and my fury at mom. I didn’t say anything in the moment bc I wasn’t sure if mom was still fleecing or not, and bc I didn’t feel it was my place. I didn’t plan this, pay for it, change the tix, wait 3 days before. I did tell mom to tell her earlier and was against her going bc of her health, but not to leave her behind but I know my sister, and she won’t see it that way, especially since we are still going.
I think the solution my mom posed is perfect. I was 3 when OB died, and they were my moms 1st kids, so it’s fitting for the 2 of them to celebrate together. I do see how OS can interpret this and how we come out looking like AH. I don’t want to constantly feel guilty for doing things with YS/without OS, but the chatter from extended family makes me anxious and second guess. AITA for still going? Should we have told her before mom did? What was I supposed to do in this situation?
NTA. This is all on your mom for making stupid plans. There are actually cruise ships with dialysis machines on board, and she could have picked one of those. Also, the fleecing episode from Judges 6 was a miracle that Gideon asked for \*after\* speaking with an angel face to face. It’s not like just anyone can demand miracles and expect them. Your parents sound very arrogant. Pastors should be more humble.
Pastors? Humble?! 😂
NTA
1. you DID NOT buy the tickets, your Mother did.
2. your mother was in control of the entire planning/unplanning/replanning of this trip.
3. your early concerns to your mother was dismissed by her.
4. You can’t control how OS feels BUT you are NTA. If she has a hangup, it seems this is a preexisting problem and the trip is not TRIGGER.
enjoy the trip with the people you are likely to have the best time with. Enjoy and remember the old phrase (modified) Wherever your sister goes, there she is.
I am going to go with NTA, but I think your mom is. She should have been then one to tell your sister and handle all of this. I had to look up what ‘fleeced God’ meant and I am still alittle confused on that aspect but your sister sounds really sick. Taking a terminally ill women on a cruise and expecting it to all work out is not a good idea. That is putting her at risk by exposing her to god knows what, Cruise ships are like floating plague palaces. Not to mention putting the ships crew in a very liable postion. Most cruise ships have excellent medical facilities but are not equiped to take on that level of care.
It sucks that your sister cant go but you are also not your sisters keeper
Oh good grief being a pastor has nothing to do with her idiotic decisions. My dad was a pastor and smart enough to *find a cruise ship with dialysis* in a situation like this. She’s simply using this to bully you into doing what she wants. (Side note: ask mom and OS to explain how ignoring OS’s health needs is treating her body like a temple). This mess is entirely of her making and you have no responsibility to do anything about it. If OS brings it up to you tell her to talk to mom. NTA.
BTW I’d be texting/emailing Mom that in the future I will not go on any trip I don’t agree to **before** she buys anything. And no she will not be getting paid back for something she chose to buy by herself. Get it written so when she does this to test that boundary you can simply send it to her again, tell her you’re not changing your mind, and block her until after the trip. If she brings it up after she’s back to being blocked again.
So your mother planned and booked a trip without checking to see if you were available, told you you’d have to pay her back if you didn’t go, and had incredibly poor judgment in terms of your older sister’s heath, dismissing your concerns.
Your sister is too ill to travel, but you’re going, and your sister is angry at you.
Good grief! NTA many times over.
But it really is time to stand up to your family in a direct clear way even more than you already do. As in, “While I appreciate the tickets, you need to ask if I’m available before you book for me and my family.” As in, “While I know God will protect us, God also granted us sound minds and good judgment that we should be using with respect to sister’s illness.” As in, “Sister, I very much hope you’ll be well enough to come, but I’m concerned about stressing your health.” As in, “Sister, you need to discuss this with Mom, who was entirely in charge of all plans for this trip, has made all the decisions. and has said that she’ll charge me if I don’t go.”
Your mother’s bossiness and manipulation (carried out under cover of Godliness) sound intolerable.
Let’s be honest. This has nothing to do with age and who was raised with who. Your sister is dying, which is the end result of kidney disease, and instead of showing up for her, you’re focused on going on a cruise she can’t be part of. This is about family, and right now, you’re not acting like it. YTA.
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NTA This is on your mother. She booked a trip that your sister was going to have difficulty taking – if she could go at all – and did so without anyone agreeing to it, and to boot got non refundable tickets. None of this was responsible of her.
ESH but your poor sister.
They really do sound like they exclude the older sister alot
More like they take 0 efford to include her, and are indifferent about her presence at all.
YTA in thinking this was the “best solution”. Ya know, since OS is so much older the obvious choice is to have her vacay with your mom only instead of siblings as a family.
Whatever. Mom is a bigger asshole, apparently God forgot you could get insurance for a cruise and if one member of your res is medically unable to go, you can get refunded. But y’all get a paid for family vacation without any old people yay!