My (25F) grandfather (82M) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for over a year, though we suspect he’s had it for way longer. When he first got the diagnosis my mother and her sisters (all 50s) agreed to take turns taking care of him, which has not really happened.
My mom moved with my grandfather when I was a kid and stayed, and because of that she has been made to shoulder the sole responsibility, one of my aunts (lets call her B) even says she should not be asking anyone of them for help at all, and at other times downplays his condition to the point of outright denial. Obviously, I’ve decided to help my mom since no one else is and partially moved back in with them because of it-i graduated earlier in the year and have been struggling to get a job, in part for being so involved here, so I have the time but its not easy and im struggling. All calls for help go pretty much unanswered and when they are, my aunts act like martyrs for staying around for an hour or two once every four months.
Yesterday, my grandfather ‘ran away’ from home and I had to look around for him. Once it was resolved I told the family gc and B replied with ‘op shouldn’t be dealing with that’ but said nothing more when my aunt pointed out *they* are putting me through this by refusing to ever be here; privately, B messaged me and asked if I really *had* to chase after my grandfather and ignored me when I reminded her of two incidents were he got in serious harms way by being out alone. I was pretty damn fed up. Hours later my mom put on the gc that my grandfather tried to see his dentist from when he was younger, who is long gone, instead of his actual physician and B replied with a simple "he mixed it up".
I thought it was an asinine coment, so I replied with ‘yes, he has Alzheimer’s’ which is mean, sure. But all of a sudden my aunt is dming me saying she will not take disrespect from me and that her and her adult children will not help in any circumstances (literally she fucking said this), and her daughter (32F) replied to my comment and is full on threatening to cancel christimas over it since we are a family ‘without respect for each other’.
Listen, I get it. Im the meek pushover. Im here because my mom asked me to be and they all think shes taking advantage of me for it and criticize my mom for it and tell me I should grow a spine. But are yous seriously telling me when im the least bit sardonic and say a fucking sentence that i ruined our family? Are you kidding me?! I dont think im the asshole, but i also haven’t found a response to any of them that is the least bit constructive so! Who knows! Maybe I am! Maybe I ruined fuckinh christimas, I guess. Oh well.
Your Grandpa needs you and your mom to take care of him. Do that and don’t worry about anything else. You and your mom figure it out…don’t be upset. It’s not going to change anything. Find your job, make a schedule with your Mom and take care of Grandpa. The noise coming from AH’s….let it go. And as for Christmas, stay home with Grandpa and have a great day.
NTA if I were you I’d respond by saying “oh no, I don’t know what I’ll do without all the help youve been giving, how will I get by without that 1-2 hours you spend with your father twice a year?”
IDK about you but I wouldn’t mind skipping Xmas with people like that. Just be sure to document that they’re choosing to stay away so if your mom gets anything at all from her dad’s will they can’t say you were isolating him.
NTA. This all blew up because you said “Yes, he has Alzheimer’s”? I can see the implied snark in that statement but it doesn’t really strike me as terribly disrespectful. It seems like they disrespect you and your mother MUCH MORE by continually denying that there is a problem and downplaying the heavy burden on you both to care for your grandfather. Maybe yours is one of those families where how things ‘look’ is much more important than how they are.
I don’t blame you for that comment, you were fed up at their constant denial. This probably will ruin Christmas because how can you be expected to go be jovial and joyful with people who are just heaping work on you and expecting you to say nothing about it? It makes no sense. It’s prob time to escalate this issue though I don’t know personally what that looks like. Maybe it’s time to consider memory care services for him, to put some type of contract in place relating to the share of his care, etc. Do some research on how to get out from under this burden. Maybe it doesn’t have to only fall on you/your mom.
NTA 100%. You’re out here doing what they should be. You should have fired their “grow a spine” comment back at them and tell them they’re being immature for not wanting to take care of their father.
you didn’t ruin Christmas. your family did by refusing to accept that your grandfather has Alzheimer’s. this disease is awful enough without their delusions. how are they gonna explain it when he knows you and your mom but not them. cause that’s coming.
“… her daughter (32F) replied to my comment and is full on threatening to cancel christimas over it since we are a family ‘without respect for each other’….”
Um – projection much?
You are NTA. In fact I’d take that “threat” and run with it. Disconnect from family for Christmas. Just be with your mom & grandfather. Because YOU didn’t ruin anything.
The rest of your mother’s family ARE the AH.
Your family fucking sucks. Alzheimer’s fucking sucks. It’s a terrible thing to have and a terrible thing to have to caretake someone with it. They can step up or stfu. Make sure grandpas will reflects the family dynamic and these people can’t just show up as leeches down the road. I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP. Please also take care of yourself and remind your mother to do the same. NTA.
Nta. You didnt give your grandfather Alzheimers. Your family needs to accept that he’s ill.
Also, my biggest condolences. Losing your memory like that sounds like hell. Stay strong.
When your grandfather passes you need to get reimbursed for all your hours of care from his estate, if there is anything. Keep track of all your hours and tasks starting now (and include your past work).
Your aunt and her children will probably try to loot everything.
NTA, but your Mom, if she hasn’t already, needs to get full PoA of your grandfather. If you’re in the US, she also needs to contact Area of the Aging for some possible resources, especially respite care. Both of you also need to apply with the governement as caretakers so you can be paid for the care you’re giving. The situation sucks all around, and your family is even worse for behaving this way.
My own Mom went through this with my Dad’s grandmother (yes, you read that right). Mom stayed at home and she moved in with us with the promise of my Dad’s siblings helping her out. That never happened. Eventually, her condition deteriorated to the point that my Mom told my Dad that he needed to get with his siblings and figure out what to do because she could no longer care for her. For reference, she was also caring for me and my sister (5 and 2 respectively), and was running herself ragged. Great Grandma ended up having to be placed in a nursing home, which naturally caused a huge fight among my aunts. My cousins even got involved and started calling my Mom vile names.
I hate to say it, and I’ll probably be downvoted into oblivion for, but this is the likely path you’re headed down. I absolutely hate suggesting a nursing home, but your grandpa is going to reach the point of needing specialized care. Based on the incidents so far, I think it might be time for your Mom to have a meeting with her siblings and discuss next steps. I’m sorry you are going through this, and I wish you and your Mom all the best.
NTA don’t be surprised when he passes and they come back with their hands out for they’re share of the inheritance.