I 26 F have a boyfriend 26 M who is legally blind. He can see well enough to work, but not enough to drive or operate heavy machinery. As such, I’m the driver in our household. I’ve never minded at all, and it’s part of my life now.
This morning, I was driving him to work when we stopped at an infamously bad U-turn. There’s no other way to get into the parking lot, so I was waiting to turn for a while. I’m a very careful driver, so I’ll admit I let some opportunities pass that others might have taken. It was rainy and I just don’t trust other people to drive safely.
While we were waiting, my boyfriend started making comments about how I could have or should have gone there, how there was an opening. He sometimes makes comments like these, but I let them go because it’s not a big deal.
It was frustrating me more than usual due to driving conditions, and I told him I didn’t like it when he "backseat drives". He just said "OK, sorry" and got quiet the rest of the ride. When he got out, no kiss goodbye, no fist bump (I know it’s weird but we do it) and instead of the normal goodbye he just said "See ya". Not the norm for sure, so now I’m worried I might have been a jerk.
To slightly defend myself: he can’t see well, so the fact that he’s offering driving advice when he can’t see as well as I can is kinda crazy to me. But I guess that’s not really the point.
I know how he feels about the fact that he can’t drive, and I try not to make insensitive comments, but it just came out. I know that he would love to be able to drive and doesn’t like the fact that he has to depend on others to get around. So I feel like when I made that comment, maybe it was mean because we both know he can’t drive or see as well as I can. It obviously wasn’t meant to be like "you can’t drive so shut up" but I feel like it came across that way.
So am I an AH, or am I just overthinking.
TLDR: my legally blind BF was making suggestions on how I should drive, so I told him to stop.
NTA – backseat driving is annoying even when it’s from sighted people with licenses. It genuinely sucks that he isn’t able to drive, but that doesn’t change the fact that backseat driving is rude.
NTA.
He legally cannot drive therefore he has no reason to tell you how to drive. He can be upset and in his feelings because you asked him not to do that. Do not apologize for asking him to stop back seat driving because he has no right to do that to you when you’re driving him around everywhere. If he continues to be weird about it sit him down and have a conversation about it. Ask him why he feels the need to treat you differently after you asked him to stop telling you how to drive.
He very well could be very upset that because he is legally blind he cannot and will not ever get the chance to drive which is a valid feeling for him but it isn’t valid for him to take those feelings out on you.
NTA. The point really is that if he can’t see well enough to legally drive, his comments mean nothing.
NTA at all. He’s unable to see all conditions and factors. So no criticism, either. I’m sorry for his impairment, but being his ‘wheels’ entails time and stressors. Let the moment go, though he should offer an apology, IMO.
NTA
If all you said was that you didn’t like him back seat driving, that’s totally fine, and something any of us would say to anyone with a driver’s license and great vision or not!
I can understand him being upset if you said something like ~ dude, you can’t even see well enough to drive~.
But backseat driving is not okay no matter what kind of vision you have.
I mean, unless you can see into the future, in which case talk to me, we got lottery tickets to buy!
NTA
This is his issue to deal with. He’s being emotionally manipulative by withholding affection when you told him to keep his opinion to himself. He cannot drive so needs to keep his instructions to himself. My mother, who could not drive, used to lean in front of the window and say it’s all clear my side and I used to say “You might be a pain but I can’t see through you! I’m the driver, I need to be able to see but I can’t unless you get your head out of the way”. Unless you are behind the wheel, you keep your mouth shut.
NTA. He’s a big baby that can’t handle big emotions. It’s petty to react like he did and even make you doubt yourself. I’d suggest talking about this with someone who knows you both, because I think this is not the only time he’s acted like this. You come across as very insecure and too apologetic, you could do with some outside advice on how normal his behavior in general is.
Your legally blind bf is telling you how to drive. I don’t think that’s a situation where extreme sensitivity to his feelings is top priority. Getting him to stop talking so that you can focus on your driving is. NTA.
Yeah why are his feelings important, but her feelings and literal physical safety are not?
NTA
There are MANY backseat drivers…and at times, maybe we ALL do it. But when you’re the driver, you OWN the car. The radio, your route, your speed…you make all decisions. Sometimes tips are helpful but in most cases, it’s super annoying. And you have every right to say you don’t want to hear it.
He may be defensive given his inabilty to drive but that’s his issue, not yours.
Explain exactly as you did here…you’re senstive to his situation, but you still need to not be belittled for decisions you make behind the wheel. If you need help you’ll ask, but the ‘shoulda woulda coulda’ is not helpful at all.
NTA that’s rude when anyone regardless of whether they can drive or not. Does he usually react like this when you ask him to stop doing something/say you don’t like something?
NTA – honestly it’s irrelevant that he’s legally blind and can’t drive. Backseat drivers literally make the person driving the car less safe when driving. They make the driver irritable/anxious/less focused on the road. So telling him to stop has nothing to do with his status as a driver. It has to do with your ability to focus.
The only relevancy him not being able to drive/having ever driven a car is, the fact that he has never had to deal with a back seat driver, and as such doesn’t know how doing that affects the driver from personal experience.
If you telling him to stop hurt his feelings to the point of not wanting to interact with you properly, then you need to ask him what’s up. If he says something about being hurt because blindness/not being able to drive, tell him that has nothing to do with why you told him to stop. It’s because back seat drivers drive all drivers insane. It is somewhat comparable to someone backseat gaming, or standing over your shoulder whilst you are doing a crossword or sudoku and commenting.
NTA. Even if he could see just fine, this would be annoying.
NTA
He depends on you for this, it’s functionally a service you provide. He should stfu and say thank you for the ride. He’s in no position to criticize anyones driving choices, harsh truth. Also what’s his rush? You’re being safe and adjusting to the conditions.