My (24F) brother (20M) has been dating his girlfriend (24F) for about two years. My mom and I have never had a great relationship with her, but we’ve never been cruel, excluded her, or openly rude. That said, there are several reasons we’re uncomfortable with her.
They originally met years ago at a grocery store where I also worked while in college. At the time, my brother was 16 and she was 20.. and she was his manager. One day she approached me at work and told me it was “weird” that I was hanging around a 16 year old so much, and that “he’s 16 if you didn’t know.” I had to tell her that he was literally my brother. I also didn’t know at the time that she was interested in him or that she was my age. She eventually apologized, but things have been awkward ever since.
The bigger issue is that she waited until my brother turned 18 to officially date him, and then moved in with him one month after he moved out. He moved out in August 2023, and by September she had moved in and quit her job because she couldn’t be both his manager and his girlfriend. My brother has since admitted he feels obligated to “take care of her” because she quit her job “for him.” Two years later, she still hasn’t found a job because she can’t pass a dru/g test, so my brother has been fully supporting her while also paying his way through college.
She also never leaves his side. She attends every family event, even when it’s inappropriate. Today was my grandmother’s funeral (someone she had never met) and she showed up high, reeking of Mary Jane, wearing see-through leggings and a stained T-shirt. During the service, her phone went off repeatedly because she wouldn’t silence it. People were grieving, and all you could hear was her text notification every few minutes.
This isn’t new behavior. She regularly shows up to family gatherings smelling like that, barely acknowledging anyone, and staying on her phone the entire time. My mom and I have tried to be polite despite how rude she’s been, but today crossed a line.
After the funeral, I told my brother that I agree with our mom: she isn’t good for him. I didn’t tell him to break up with her, but I suggested he stop bringing her to family events, especially after how uncomfortable today made everyone. He told me I was being selfish and caring too much about what the family thinks.
Now I’m worried I may have damaged my relationship with him (and possibly both of them). AITA?
Nta– This is grooming and gross.
Unfortunately he is an adult and free to make his own choices. You cannot force him to do anything really. NAH.
Sounds like a boundary is needed. I would have told her to leave the funeral once she walked in dressed as described. She was inappropriate and disrespectful before the phone even went off. You’re right, she’s crossed a line. If your brother wants to be with her, so be it; you can’t tell him who to date. You can, however, tell him that she’s not welcome at family gatherings. NTA
This is how I am feeling. I don’t want to be an annoying rat who just constantly tells him to break up with her (even though I think he should) so I think the best thing is to just ask him to distance her from the rest of us.
He likely will figure it out eventually. Time and wisdom are wonderful things. However, telling him that it’s due to her behavior that she is not welcome is different than telling him to break up with her. If he chooses to tolerate her behavior, that’s his choice and his problem.
Oh my gosh. This is terrible. Your brother was groomed now he is being manipulated. NTA but your brother needs some help. A therapist, a refuge. Idk but don’t loose hope with him. I wonder how she treats him when no one is there and why she needs to be near him.
She definitely groomed him, but all the adults in his life did nothing to protect him… He’s stuck too, as he feels he owes her in a way. Definitely a tough decision, but if he can’t tell how it’s affecting others then he’s got some heavy rose tented glasses. Unfortunately you’ll just have to let him crash and burn with her at this point, as he’ll not leave her.
Everyone is the a bc if someone noticed the grooming behavior beforehand, none of this would have happened. And the brother is an a too because he won’t turn his blinders off. ETA
I would just tell him that she disrespected your entire family and he doesn’t owe her anything- she groomed him. Tell him you miss your brother, but you don’t like watching her manipulate and abuse him. Tell him you’re ready to help him extricate himself when he finally realizes how toxic she is, and then allow yourself distance. If they show up to family events, leave or ignore them. You can’t really do anything else that would actually work.
NAH. What’s your ultimate goal? See less of the gf? Maintain a relationship with your brother? Help him see that this relationship isn’t good for him. Banning the gf will only achieve the first goal. It’s shortsighted.
Odds are, they are co-dependent users. If she’s high at a funeral, she’s high all the time. Probably him too.
NTA. As a victim of grooming who’s the same age as your brother, you’re in a difficult spot that doesn’t really have a right or wrong answer. Your brother deserves a support system outside of his manipulative, abusive girlfriend, but there’s only so much you can do for victims of grooming, especially now that he is an adult who isn’t subjected to his parents’ rules. Groomers gaslight and manipulate their victims to question their reality and feel guilty for noticing red flags. Anything you say to your brother is going to be twisted by his girlfriend and used in her favor to make her look like the victim, so he isn’t going to realize the gravity of the situation he’s in until he has a moment of clarity, and you can’t force that. It’s smart not to have her come to family events, but do not be surprised if this makes him pull away further, and plan accordingly for how to support him with the change in dynamic. Try to keep contact with him on some level, but keeping your space until he reaches out to you is the best course of action for him and for your own well-being and state of mind. Look into support groups or forums for people who have family members facing domestic violence who refuse to leave if you can. It could help you gain some perspective and recommendations on how to move forward in a way that helps your brother while still protecting yourself.
NTA your brother is going to need a soft place to fall when when he wakes up. He’s more than likely just as conflicted as you are. He knows she caused a disruption and was disrespectful and guessing this is his first relationship which stinks. You said what needed to be said at the time and he needed to hear it.
NTA. This relationship seems like a grooming situation. However, if you keep insisting on this and his gf finds out she might make him cut you off. This is a hard situation to get him out of with many variables.