I (22M) am currently in my senior year at college.
I am in a fraternity and as such go to a number of parties and events.
Last year we went to an event on one of my brother (23M) was heavily flirting with an older lady that was there. We gave him stick about it but thought nothing more.
Fast forward to a few months later and it turns out they had stayed in contact and in fact started dating and had been an item for months.
She (F37) had made him keep it secret, even from his friends. She is also from another country.
Me and a few of the brothers questioned him about it and raised some of our concerns in a friendly conversation – the age gap not so much the years but the stages of life, the distance etc.
However our main worry was the fact she made him keep it secret. We felt she must be ashamed of the relationship.
During the conversation I used the term Cougar to describe her. This caused my friend to become angry and storm out. I felt the term was fitting for the situation while he clearly did not
Am I the arsehole?
\*\*Clarification- a few people have suggested she is likely married. He recently spent the entire holidays over there at her house so confident she is not married.
NTA, I’d be more worried that she is married than being a cougar.
She is not married – he went over to stay with her during the summer and at Xmas
That might only mean her spouse was away.
NTA but I would bet good money she’s married.
NTA but weird he cared you called her that. I’ve cougared it up and it wasn’t offensive to hear it. lol
“Cougar” is not a swear word or an insult. Your friend must have already been feeling some way about the relationship.
NTA but only he can have the come to Jesus moment that it’s probably not an equal relationship. When you are that young and dating someone that much more mature it’s never an equal power situation, hope he gets out unscathed.
I wouldn’t say you were being the asshole, Id just say you were clumsy with your words. Calling her a cougar probably turned a serious conversation into something that felt like frat-style teasing for him. If he’s still hung up on it let him know you were focused on the secrecy but not trying to insult her and used the wrong word.
NTA. Cougar isn’t insulting in my world – just a description.
Kind of YTA. Your concern is valid but to your friend, what you said was equal to insulting his partner and he won’t listen due to that.
Perhaps she made him keep it a secret because she knew how you and many other close minded people would react.
It is his relationship, let it be. If it doesn´t go anywhere or if he gets hurt, that is his lesson to learn.
He is not a kid.
Read your post, rethink how you reacted, called her, what you said to him. Are you still suprised she wanted it secret? People like you just like to judge and put names without a bit of thought or empathy. Maybe they are happy togather and its not your business at all? How about that?
It’s not respectful to refer to a female in an age-gap relationship as a “cougar,” that doesn’t mean the slang is inaccurate or not widely used. That term has significant social stigma and is generally used to *denigrate* older women. *Nobody uses that term in polite conversation*, it is a way to tear someone down.
Now, people use disrespectful slang all the time and depending on the context, it’s okay. Your friend obviously cares for this woman and found your comment distasteful. You’re not an asshole for saying it, but YWBTA if you continue to distill their relationship and her person-hood down to “cougar” in his presence; as he indicated by leaving.
This is your friend’s boundary and it’s a reasonable one. I get it, most people would find the ribbing funny, but he doesn’t.
Would you like being called a sugar daddy? Frat Rat? Chad? It’s disrespectful. YTA It’s all well and good to talk to him about the unfair power dynamic and other pitfalls of this relationship, but name calling is never productive. It’s just rude and shows you have nothing constructive to say.