just for a bit of context, i’m a fourth year college student graduating in the spring, home for winter break and my two best friends both work minimum wage jobs averaging abt 20-25 hrs a week.
while home, i’ve been visiting my best friends (since middle school) and everytime we meet it’s almost always the same thing(smoke weed, laugh, eat, go home) don’t get me wrong i LOVE seeing them and they’re truly some of my closest friends but since high school they haven’t really done anything with their lives…
both still live at home with their parents (which hey, me too during breaks and in this economy save your money) but neither have any substantial savings or goals. while the savings bit isn’t a problem necessarily(ehhh) the lack of goals and ambition is starting to annoy me more and more. the thing that i keep coming back to is when i talk about my future(im applying to phd programs) and they tell me they want to move out and move in with me. i hype them up and get excited (i’ve always dreamed of living with these best friends) and then ask what their plan is to be able to afford where we’re going to live and immediately the conversation ends or turns awkward….
while one of them talks abt wanting to be a para at a school(which the state we live in offers the classes and certification for free during a 10-week at night program) she hasn’t done anything to start and everytime i mention it she says she got stuck doing the registration (while i’ve offered to help she brushes me off saying she’ll figure it out…mind you it’s been four years) my other friend doesn’t say anything…at all
don’t get me wrong they’ve talked about wanting a future and not wanting to stay at the jobs they’re in right now but they never act on it and really only complain…
while it was never a problem before, as i’m applying to phd programs and jobs post grad i need to get more serious about things like where i’ll be living, expenses, etc and them half agreeing and then pulling back is starting to seriously annoy me.
i know i can’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do but i see so much potential in them and don’t want to lose them as friends…
therefore, i was thinking of just straight up talking to them one-on-one about how our lives needs to evolve beyond what we’re doing now, how they need to step out into the world and how they need to do something with their lives but i’m scared to come across like an asshole
AITA for needing to have that conversation with my friends even if it means that i stop being friends with them if they don’t change?
p.s upon writing this out i think a bit of my annoyance comes from jealously that i’ve "had to do hard things, why can’t they" but another part of me feels like they’re genuinely self sabotaging themselves and won’t change unless they get pushed to i don’t know anymore
YWBTA to yourself, primarily, because they almost certainly wouldn’t want to hear it and wouldn’t take it well, meaning that not only would you have wasted your time you would get shot as the messenger. No one would benefit.
>when i talk about my future … and they tell me they want to move out and move in with me. i hype them up and get excited … and then ask what their plan is to be able to afford where we’re going to live and immediately the conversation ends or turns awkward….
By not replying with anything concrete they are telling you that it’s either a pipe dream or they were hoping that they wouldn’t have to make a full financial contribution if you lived together. I think this is hint enough that you giving them a speech wouldn’t yield positive results. They aren’t willing to get their lives together enough even for that level of dream.
Exactly. Nobody ever changes their lives because someone else told them to – it has to come from them. They’ll either get tired of that life or they won’t, but either way OP has outgrown them.
I don’t think this is a matter of who is TA. But I also don’t think this conversation will be productive. Someone who cannot complete an online registration in four years is not ‘one serious conversation away’ from turning their life around.
Accept that your friends are not going to be able to join you (I.e. move in with you, get steady jobs, and pay their own way.) Enjoy the times you have with them, but live and let live. Go do your thing. You may grow apart but that’s OK.
If one or more of them makes a serious proposal to live together, talk it through. If they don’t follow through on a timeline that works for you, make other plans. You need not be held hostage by their indecision. Give them a deadline for a plan if that makes you feel better. If ever any of them asks you for real help or input, offer it. Until then, live your life and walk your path, and let them do the same.
NAH. I don’t think it should be “You need to change your life because the way you live is wrong.” It needs to be “I’m doing this thing on this date, and if you want to come with me I need to know that you have this much savings and this much plan in place by this time, so I have time to make other plans.”
They might rise to the occassion! But live your life like they won’t so you’re not disappointed. If there is not enough time left for that, let them know to let you know when they get it together, and you’ll let them know when you’re moving again to see if they’re ready. I’m some ways life is long, and some people need more time than others. I say this as someone who feels like they’re a decade behind their peers, but I’m doing great now and catching up.
YTA. These friends will always have a place in your life, but that does not mean they are joining you on the path you’re taking in life. You’re outgrowing them (in that you’re continuing to grow at a pace they are not matching). You’re excited about where life is taking you and they only complain about where life has taken them. You are allowed to be disappointed about that and you are allowed to express your disappointment to them, but it is not your place to tell them they are on the wrong path for themselves.
Their life choices aren’t wrong just because they are not the ones you want them to be making, or even the ones they want to be making. This is their path and they’ll find their way. I’m sure it sounds nice to them to come live in your world (be roommates, etc) but they haven’t taken the steps they need to do that so its just a little fantasy they enjoy getting lost in. Do not make plans based on these fantasies, get serious about things like where you’ll be living, expenses, etc without any expectation that they’ll be part of it.
>AITA for needing to have that conversation with my friends even if it means that i stop being friends with them if they don’t change?
Absolutely you’re an asshole. This to me sounds like a conditional friendship.
Why are you friends with them? what do you do together?
if it’s that the others no longer have money to go places you would like, you just see them on occasion at simple cheap places and eventually you might naturally branch out and not see them at all.
Do you not have common interests anymore? it makes sense to phase out snd stop calling.
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won’t change unless they get pushed to i don’t know anymore
The only people who can motivate you to change are people you plan to spend the rest of your life with.
If this was someone you were in love with and dating this absolutely would be worth a conversation
These are allegedly your friends but you seem too judgmental. You’d risk everyone hating you and ruining the friendship for a chance to make criticisms about their lifestyle.
YTA, hey man! Guess what! It’s none of your business. Stop telling your friends how to live their fucking lives. You are not the boss of anyone and the world does not revolve around you. If they have the resolve to improve their situation, they will do so and certainly don’t need a lecture from someone as stuck up as you sound. Good lord.
YTA
This is none of your business whatsoever.
NTA
As someone who carried a lot of dead weight friends her whole life, dump them.
You need someone who can be there for you, support you, cheer you on, share trips and life events with, etc.
It seems shitty and classist but really pretty soon they’re feel entitled to your nice new car, or vacation house, they won’t be able to help with weddings plans or afford to be in it.
Move on. I wish I did it 20 years ago.