(Throwaway acct)
My girlfriend always offers to share her food with everyone when we go out to eat. I’ve asked her why she does this, and she says it’s just how she was raised, to always make sure everyone else at the table is taken care of before she eats anything. I’ve told her multiple times that, while it is an admirable gesture, she doesn’t have to do that, and that no one will judge her for not offering her food because they have their own meals.
This isn’t just with shareable items, either. She will offer bites of her burger, or pasta, or soup, and other things that are simply not easily split, usually ending up with another person taking direct bites or stabbing their used forks and depositing their saliva into her food. Aside from the ick factor, I have also told her that she really needs to avoid offering her meal when we dine out with my friend Brian (fake name) because he’s the type the person who has no self-control with food, and zero social awareness to understand that “help yourself” does not mean “you can eat all of it and I won’t mind”. This has happened a lot in the past, where he’ll house 90% of a shared appetizer plate because the rest of us were talking and being polite, and he just assumed that meant we weren’t hungry. I wouldn’t care as much if he paid for it, but he’s almost always broke, and doesn’t seem to understand what tax and tip are. If the item was listed as $11.99 in the menu, when the check comes, he’ll toss in exactly $12 and think he’s square.
I know most of you are going to ask why I’m even still friends with Brian if I hate eating with him, but please understand that he’s a really great guy and a reliable friend, he just has a troublesome relationship with food. That’s not the only facet of his personality, just the only one relevant to this post.
Last night, we were out again with friends, and my girlfriend once again offered her meal to everyone, Brian included. I didn’t want to make a scene, but I gave her a little nudge and she just gave me a shrug in return. Unsurprisingly, Brian ended up eating most of her food (as well as his own plate), and my girlfriend didn’t say anything. On the way home, she asked if we could stop by a fast food place because she didn’t get much to eat, and I told her she should’ve just eaten the food she ordered instead of offering it to the table. I said this was exactly why I warned her, and that she’s seen the way Brian is with food, and that she shouldn’t have been surprised when he ate more than she was actually intending to let him.
I still stopped to get her something, but I also complained that I don’t enjoy paying for Brian’s meal, since he basically ate all of hers. I might have been harsh, but this has come up multiple times, and she knows I’m not a fan of it. I could tell she was upset when I said it, and she still is now. She hasn’t called me an asshole, but she’s making me feel like one, and I think we’re both expecting the other to apologize first. So, AITA?
YTA for blaming your girlfriend rather than addressing Brian’s behaviour. You’d rather fight with your GF than call out your friend.
Yta for not calling Brian out. But your gf needs to prioritize herself instead of giving all her food away.
NTA your girlfriend needs to eat her own food like a normal person
I feel like ESH. Brian is intrusive with food and overtaking his welcome. Your girlfriend doesn’t know how disgusting it is for people to see someone else take a direct bite at the food and take care of herself by standing up and saying “that’s enough, I need to eat too”, and that you also did not address this to Brian as well.
YTA it only takes 2 seconds to say, “Jesus, Brian, she said TRY.”
Was gonna say you gotta mouth you can use too.
Tell your girlfriend that from now on when Brian is part of the group she has to pay for her own food. It sounds like you usually pay? Maybe if she’s paying AND hardly getting anything to eat she will reconsider offering it to everyone
ESH. Your gf for not having stronger boundaries. Brian for being selfish. Lastly and most importantly, you for not standing up to Brian for your gf
ESH- the ick factor sounds like your problem and not your gfs and I’m not sure why you haven’t ever told brian to chill. You could very easily be nice and say “hey Brian, GF won’t have anything to eat if you keep eating her meal”.
Your gf needs to stand up for herself. It’s nice to want to share but I can’t believe she will order a second dinner rather than tell someone she is still hungry and wants to eat more of her meal.
YTA
You make every excuse under the sun for Brian’s relationship with food, but expect your girlfriend to have her own issues around food 100% under control *and* to be responsible for managing Brian’s on top of it. That’s bullshit. No shit she’s expecting you to apologize, you’ve been terribly unfair to her.
Have you talked to Brian about how he should decline when she offers, because of *her* problematic relationship with food? Which is apparently tied up in having been raised to take care of everyone else before herself? You’re judging and criticizing her for not having completely worked all of that out, *while putting the exact same shit on her,* making her responsible for Brian. But you don’t hold him to the same standard with her.
NTA
I think the asshole calls are a bit harsh.
She literally let someone else eat her food to the point of needing to get fast food.
I will stab you with my fork before I allow that to happen. OP is right, she needs to stop offering her food to everyone to the point that she doesn’t eat.
Brian is still a problem. You think he doesn’t know what he’s doing? He’s being an opportunistic fuck and no one is saying anything.
I’d say you’re NTA but Brian is not a good person. You need to change that mindset on your boy, because… I’m getting a warning for what I was about to call Brian, but you get my point.
Maybe your girlfriend can learn that if she wants to offer food, she can serve the other person a small portion from her plate rather than handing her plate over to a table full of people, especially people like Brian. But ultimately it’s her choice what she does with her food.
As for Brian, it’s probably up to his friends, like you, to put an end to his eating large portions of everybody’s food and not paying his share. It’s hard to understand why you’ve all let it go on for so long.
What you said to your girlfriend isn’t a clear message. I get what you were saying, but you can’t blame her for what Brian did, only what she did. And what she did is her choice. So rather than criticizing her for it, point out that it was her choice to offer food to Brian, and that’s what Brian does. So it’s her choice how she wants to handle that. But that goes back to her offering to give someone a small portion herself, rather than have other people bite into her food or take huge quantities, two things I wouldn’t do myself.
ESH. You need to actually talk to people. If your girlfriend wants to feed Brian, she can pay for her food. I feel like we’re glossing over Brian, though, who is always broke and eats all the food. Does he actually get enough to eat in general? What’s going on here?
Brian is the real problem here let’s be real. He pisses me off