I 17F am not a religious person, and consider myself agnostic. However, I need volunteer hours for school and found that this church provided easy hours. It also happened to be the same church my Mom goes to, so it felt easier to get in.
So it was a Saturday night, and I texted a co-pastor to reassure if I would be volunteering the next day (Sunday). He told me that there weren’t any spots available, but I would still be welcomed to show up. After acknowledging his text, and sharing it with my mom, I agreed to show up even if there wouldn’t be anything for me to do (I also texted the co-pastor that I would show up).
Now it’s Sunday morning. I woke up exhausted, couldn’t even open my eyes, and felt like I was on the verge of being sick. I told my Mom, in my exhausted state, that I “was too tired and needed to go back to bed. I can’t go to church today.” She kept replying repeatedly with the same response, “you said you’d go.” I became very fed up with her repetition, and walked away and went back to bed. Once I closed my door, she yelled out “you said you’d go” and then began to cry and slammed her own bedroom door.
Once I heard her cry, I began to feel very apathetic, because she often has these emotional outbursts over tiny things. In my mind, I was trying to figure out how this even affected her, because she’s not the one I’m “standing up”. Nonetheless,I went back to sleep.
After I woke up, I decided to send an apology text to the co-pastor, hoping my mom would later see it too and forgive me. I also asked my father why she began to cry from this, and he said that she was “just disappointed I said I’d go but didn’t.” Also turns out she decided to not go to church either.
I’m not trying to invalidate my mother for her crying, but it felt very frustrating that she started guilting me. Once I felt she was guilting me, that’s when I turned apathetic, because I realized it didn’t affect her at all.
So AITA?
Edit: for further clarification I would like to note that this is the first time I’ve ever “flaked” at this church. I’ve been volunteering for about 4-5 months. I have not apologized to my mother yet because she left the house a few hours ago. My plan is to sincerely apologize once she returns.
nta your mom needs to get a grip and some serious therapy
NTA. If you woke up feeling sick, you woke up feeling sick. Better to stay home and rest instead of passing it to others at the church. Good on you for letting the pastor know—I doubt it’s an issue since it was only a potential opportunity, anyway.
I do think you should reconsider volunteering there, even if the hours are easy. Your mother is clearly very invested in her church life and sounds controlling, more worried about appearances than your being sick. This kind of guilting is classic church behavior, from my experience.
See if there are any local soup kitchens, mutual aid groups, retirement homes, or even hospitals needing volunteers. You may find that work more accessible and approachable since you are not religious.
NTA- you’re allowed to be tired and rest, even if you’ve made a previous engagement. Her crying over tiny things is a commonly used emotional manipulation tactic.
your mom has a problem
NTA
You, a 17 year old, said you weren’t going. Your mom I’m assuming is at least in her late 30’s early 40’s and could have gone alone but didn’t. She’s using you not going as a reason SHE didn’t go and that’s her problem to deal with. No you’re not TAH but your mom needs to get a grip.
NTA.
Your mom had a meltdown over this? Obviously NTA to me.
She was hoping you’re starting to believe, probably. Don’t give her false hope or it will get worse. Maybe distance yourself from the church and volunteer elsewhere so she doesn’t keep hoping. She sounds emotionally immature. Appeasing her will only build up pressure and problems until they inevitably explode again.
NTA I’m 30 and canceled all my plans for the weekend because of sheer exhaustion after prepping and celebrating Thanksgiving. It happens, and it’s better that it happened on a day where there was no work for you to do.
Your mom has a serious issue and you’re right to be apathetic about her tantrum. It’s an attempt at emotional manipulation and I suspect a means of control. The fact that her emotions are so strongly tied to your choices is a major red flag.
NTA. All these people saying “you made a commitment” are missing the fact you felt like you’re getting sick and that there wasn’t any volunteer work you agreed to do. Plus your mom sounds exhausting.
NTA if you’re sick you’re sick. I don’t know what’s with these people thinking you should just suck it up and go to church.
NTA. If you are sick then it’s better to avoid getting anyone else sick. Life happens, however, I would recommend if you are ever in a similar situation in the future that you reach out to the person in charge as soon as you know you aren’t able to go regardless of if they have enough people just because it’s polite and it’s good practice for when you have a job one day.
As for your mom she sounds like she might need to see a therapist or some sort of professional to help her with whatever is bothering her but that is beyond you and it is not your fault or responsibility to walk on eggshells for her.
NTA, but here is what you are missing. Church attendance is performative. Very few people get dressed up and drive to a big building on Sunday in order to hear the word of the Lord or to pray. They go to see and be seen as part of the tribe. When you started going, it became expected, and when you don’t go, your mom will hear hundreds of whispers and probing questions about why you didn’t come.
NTA. She’s emotionally manipulative and was worried more about a church that has plenty of volunteers than she was about her child not feeling well. I so hope you feel better.
I’m a mom and, while my children aren’t teens yet, I can be disappointed/angry/ect without making my emotional state my children’s responsibility. I’m sorry she’s like that.
I can’t believe that people are calling you an asshole for not going to a place filled with elderly people, while you’re sick lol
OPs wrong for not going to church when they are sick, yet mom isn’t in the wrong for skipping church because she had a temper tantrum lol