I (20F) never had a good relationship with my father. He was never there for me, he would complain when he had to spend money on me. He loved other people kids instead of his own.
My mom always trying to be the middle man would always say. “Come on he your only dad” or “ he old he doesn’t know what he saying”. Mind you this man would compare his daughter to other people daughters. For example when I was 17 to 18 he asked me why I don’t wear make up or go outside much. He told ME “ would aren’t you like Amy (fake name) she does her make and always go out”. Mind you Amy was 16 to 17 doing drugs, sleeping with older man. But recently she changed her life good for her.
But recently he just been calling me for money. When I picked up his call not a hi or a how are you just can I borrow money. So I don’t pick up his call no more. An there goes my mom again with “ he old, he doesn’t know what he saying”. And proceeds to say “wow OP you really hate your dad and don’t want to see his face”. Lady he does and I am tired of it. He luck I haven’t blocked him yet.
I love my dad but I am just tired of having a one sided relationship.
Worse of all he told me mom he won’t brother calling me no more because why the point I never answer. -_-
Like only reason he call me isn’t for mom.
Possibly a hot take but I don’t subscribe to family is family and you should be there for them no matter what. Family are people, and just like any other person, if you treat me like shit, I’m going to treat you like I’d treat anyone else who treats me like that: I’m not going to associate with you or want to be around you, I don’t care if we’re related
So I say NTA
INFO: Are your mom and dad married?
Nope
Then why does your mother feel she has to encourage you to have a relationship with your father? You’re an adult and can make your own choices
My guess is because my mom doesn’t have a relationship with her family. An wants to make sure I have a decent relationship with my dad. Which isn’t working and didn’t work out for my older siblings and their dad.
You are not the canvas for your parents to fix their own previous mistakes. I have this problem with my parents too, they keep bringing up things they think I should do because “they learned better” through their own mistakes. It’s a different time, different context, they don’t really know what the full situation is. You’re in the best position to know what’s best for you, even if you don’t make the objectively right choice 100% of the time.
NAH
NTA. Just because your father is family, it doesn’t give him a free pass. Him comparing you to others is a term known as triangulation and is a form of manipulation. No hello, no asking how you are, no showing any interest in your life, and asks for money? He’s trying to use you, hopefully you said no.
Your mother is also enabling his behavior by making excuses. If you’re not living at home, I’d honestly consider limiting or cutting contact with both of them. It may not be the easiest of decisions to make but you also need to take your own mental health into consideration.
NTA – you an adult you don’t have to listen to mommy anymore.
NTA and block both of them.
NTA, this man sounds exhausting.
He’s fast becoming (and surprised) he still gets called Dad, and not the guy who impregnated my Mother.
To be a Dad you have to show up to be a Dad, the fact your relationship is purely transactional, the fact he only wants to speak to you for the need of money speaks volumes of how little you mean to this man. He’s basically treating you as an ATM.
As for your mother trying to force this relationship. “Mom, I love you, however frankly he has never really been a Dad to me, you can make excuses all you want for him. However the only time he calls me is to ask for money. I am not a bank. If you continue to force this issue, then I will unfortunately have to put you as low contact.
Now he has you trying to bully and manipulate me into continuing to fund his lifestyle. This is the last we will speak on this matter”
Then enforce that boundary hard. If she calls and tries to manipulate you to build a relationship with him(which he actually doesn’t want, he wants a relationship with your purse) end the call. “I have said all I want to on this matter, goodbye”
This bridge isn’t yours to build, you were the child in this relationship (and still are in some sense) and you are not the one who destroyed it.
NTA: you biological father had years to be around and he chose otherwise. As a mom, of an adult daughter that had rotating door biological father – I support you.
My eldest daughter; now 29, legally changed her last name to my maiden when she was 15; I supported her decision. When my husband wanted to adopt her, when she was 18, and this after he asked her seeing he raised her since 10; I supported it.
Your mother should know better than to attempt to fix something she knows darn well impacted you growing up. Remind your mother of boundaries! Also, let your mother know that her thoughts or opinions hold zero weight. It’s apparent your mother values and cares more about the absent father than you.
I’m in my 50’s, and I do not speak to my father. I haven’t for over a decade. This is due to both his abuse of me (which I endured and still spoke to him anyways), and his mistreatment of my mother (whose mistreatment by my father triggered me no longer speaking to him).
My mom , who mind you was treated like shit by him for literal decades, to this day tries to get us back on speaking terms.
Actions have consequences. He has nothing to say I care to hear.
So no, you are NTA here.