I don’t usually post but in the middle of an argument with my mum right now, and I feel like the bad guy.
I’m turning 15, in a week. and I really really wanted a professional cake, I’d never gotten one before, I’d always basically baked my own birthday cakes since I was like 10, and my mum would bake them when I was younger.
I wanted a pink and white cake, with almost frilly icing if that makes sense? But the main thing was because I come from a very picky family, I wanted half chocolate and vanilla, so everyone could have a slice of what they like.
I sent a message of requirements to my mum (she’s 55 but I don’t think that matters here) and she was totally up for it, in said message, I detailed if the chocolate and vanilla split isn’t possible fully vanilla is perfectly fine, and she went to a few cake shops, and not once tried to do a full vanilla, only for denied for chocolate and vanilla, which I appreciate the effort, but she didn’t try for my alternative at all.
she then called her friend, which bakes in her spare time to make me a cake, which was nice. my mum told me she was professional (for some reason) and can do the vanilla chocolate split. brilliant!
later on she showed me some pictures of her friends cake and they were… interesting. you could see the cake under the frosting, it wasn’t the best to say the least.
tonight, about 10 minutes ago she told me that her friend can’t do any icing on the cake, and I will just have a plain white cake with happy birthday on, no icing, no decor, just a cake.
I kindly told her that I was focused on the icing, it’s what I really wanted, I’d never had like a fully pretty professional cake before, and that what her friend can do is not at all what I want.
she started to cry, and said I was sounding bratty, and I didn’t mean to come across that way so I immediately backtracked and apologized. I tried to comfort her but she left the room and slammed the door, she’s now crying in her bedroom
what did I do?? am I the a hole for saying that isn’t what I wanted??
I’m going to apologize to her now, but Lord knows how that’s going to go
NTA, your mom didnt do what you asked and is acting like you killed her dog bc you told her so. Sorry you have to deal with this. Happy birthday
thank you! 🙂
yeah I tried to apologize but she called me more names and slammed the door in my face LOL I genuinely can’t win I guess
If you can’t win stop playing the game – “you look like you are having some really big feelings mom, I’ll leave you alone until you can pull yourself together. Can i get you some water or a snack? “
Still that’s catering to your parents feelings as if they were the child, reversing parental roles and that’s really confusing and unhealthy. Literally walking on eggshells all the time, even around your own birthday… Your mom sounds narcissistic af
I think she may be feeling guilty as she tried to get you what you wanted and it failed. Professional cakes are expensive to get and she may not be able to afford it right now. Life is very expensive these days in every area of life, so getting a professionally baked cake may be out of the budget.
That said, I’m a home baker and am not sure why the friend suddenly couldn’t do what you wanted. Making chocolate and vanilla cake is really easy. You didn’t even ask for marble, which some people have trouble with. Doing the kind of piping you had in mind isn’t hard either, it’s actually a lot easier than it looks once you start doing it. Something must have come up with the friend, they got too busy or something.
No you aren’t, and your mom sounds emotionally abusive.
NTA and your mom sounds bratty and immature. Unfortunately there really really isn’t a fix for that.
NTA. I find it really odd and unbelievable that she couldn’t find a professional shop that could do half-and-half. Sounds like a control thing your mom has.
tell me about it she can be wild sometimes
NTA. What you’re asking for isn’t terribly difficult, even if I had to make two sets of cakes to manage your request. Someone else is going to want either half of a white cake or a whole half & half.
Also, this is why I’m particularly not fond of “I know a guy.” Work with a professional, and you get what you want for a price. Work with someone’s acquaintance doing you a favor, and you’re running into “why I can’t do what I said” and “be grateful I’m doing YOU a favor.”
Still, you gave your mother a fallback to just white cake with professional decoration. You should be able to express disappointment without too much backlash.
NTA, (imo) if I were in your shoes I would’ve preferred that my mom just tell me she didn’t want to pay a baker for the cake.
What makes me think this: You said that (to your knowledge) that she didn’t offer up your alternative to any of the bakers she spoke with. The way it read was that if the baker couldn’t do vanilla and chocolate, then she just asked someone else or said it wasn’t possible. This is a meaningless attempt to roadblock, especially since you offered an alternative that any baker under the sun would be willing to do.
What you may not be considering is any financial stress your family is under. At 15, my parents were not disclosing our financial struggles to me. It may also be embarrassing for her, which is why your mum started crying. She also may feel very guilty, your mum might’ve been mislead by her friend into thinking that she was a professional, and might’ve even paid her. That’s between your mum and her, not you. This seems to me like there is more going on behind closed doors – not that it’s your responsibility to be aware of this.
I don’t know your family dynamic, but I’d apologise to her once everything has calmed down. (Apologies are not an admission of guilt, I apologise to get the ball rolling on a discussion and to make peace) If you feel comfortable asking why she didn’t feel comfortable setting limitations for the cake/ talking with you about options that are more feasible, etc, than you definitely should. You seem like someone with a good head on your shoulders, I hope you both can talk it out. Hopefully to avoid this type of thing happening in the future!
NTA, your mom is playing the victim here for literally no reason other than to make your birthday and your cake about her and her feelings.
Your mom doesn’t seem to care much about your feelings, and seems to struggle with her emotions. Slamming the door is aggressive and immature. Crying in her room over your birthday cake choice is massively overreacting.
I’m struggling to believe that no professionnal was able to do a half vanilla half chocolate cake with icing. There’s a possibility that she only asked her friend
Nta. It’s important to advocate for yourself and you didn’t say anything unreasonable. It’s bizarre to me that your mom’s friend is able to bake the cake but not decorate it. Maybe she doesnt think she can make it pretty? Your cake request actually isn’t difficult, so I don’t really understand why it’s become such a production.
If she can’t ice a cake. she’s not a professional baker. No one wants to buy a cake that’s not iced. That’s the best part & what makes to cake pretty.