So I got married last year October and of course that means families come from all over to attend, for obvious reasons, so would my sister. We see them once every 4 years or so and if we’re lucky, we get to see them a little sooner, meaning all interaction with my 2 nephews are over the phone, and almost always interrupted by her talking and butting in. Needless to say, in 10 years, ive in total spent about 1-2 days in total with the boys (a vital detail to remember here). So the wedding comes, were excited and ask, can we entertain the boys for a night, ive missed them, i want to spoil them, she agrees. Now incident 1. We go to a mall to go play at the arcade, the parking lot is distance walk to the entrance, mind you it’s school holidays so it is packed! From the walk from the car to the mall, we had to ask the youngest one (age 12) 5 times to stop mocking disabled people, how did he do this you ask? By pulling his face in a way, contorting his arms and walking with a limp. We politely ask to stop doing this, it is in public and y’know, wildly insensitive to someone that may see it. Well he was butthurt that i rejected his insensitive joke and was sulking the entire night. Fast forward to the wedding, and again, our same little joke creeped up, walked up to us and decided to do the thing. This time, a friend was there, a friend with an autistic son. We all turn around and say not now, not here, to which the answer is, youre not my parent, why should i listen to you. So the next day I quietly pull my sis aside and explain, its not my place to tell you how to parent, but please teach your kids to not do jokes like that in public, it is wildly insensitive to anyone that may be affected by a lesser abled person in their immediate life. Well this evening i get a call from her and her husband attacking me from all directions how I attacked her childs personality and, well, they dont discriminate, they have an autistic friend and how I should know his little quirks that he loves to joke around (remember the 1-2 days in total interaction fact, important here) and that im a bad aunt for not knowing this. So its been 4 months since and my moms pushing us to bury the hatchet and make peace. I decide fuck it ill call and try make stuff right, well again, i am attacked, said how i am damaging to their children as people and all i do is break them down. And she does not feel im safe for them to be around. So…dear internet….am I the asshole for approaching her with this????
He shouldn’t mock disable people in private either. NTA for telling him to stop, but I feel like you’re only concerned about other people seeing it out in public, you should be more concerned about the type of person he’s becoming. And I don’t understand your sister saying she knows an autistic kid or that there was someone with autism at the wedding, how is that relevant? He was mocking a physical disability.
The autism link is the dad that was noticeably upset about his joke, and what made me decide to approach her about this And that turned into their focus. Her words, well we cant tiptoe around eveyones emotions, it was a big enough ask to ask them to not make f****t jokes at the wedding. If you understand their fucked up dynamics asking them to stop entirely would be like asking the world to stop turning. Baby steps. Do I condone it, no. Which is why I stood up.
“ youre not my parent, why should i listen to you.” Your sister probably told him to tell you that next time you said anything to him he didn’t like. You are NTA.
He’s a nightmare for his teachers too. I’m a teacher and kids that would utter a phrase like this…they learn it from their parents.
NTA I think this behavior is learned and not okay, it is not quirky it is disrespectful, and as his aunt I think it is your place to have a conversation with your sister about his behavior, as it is disrespectful. You are just looking out for him and preparing him for the real world, and he should know better.
And I told her, im coming from a place where 1. This could ruin some poor kids life or day, look how it just affected a parent whos son is a little challenged. And 2. What if heaven forbid someone decides to physically attack him over this joke or them for allowing it, weapons have been pulled out in conflict in south Africa over lesser serious issues
NTA
Thats bad behavior anywhere. I definitely wouldnt tolerate it. Its not a joke and its not funny. Especially at 12! Ugh. I would stand on this hill and die on it.
Honestly it sounds like your minimal interaction with the kids isn’t a bad thing. NTA
NTA. But let it go. Unfortunately you won’t have a close relationship with them because of distance and it seems personality. You won’t change her mind. She clearly has a different moral compass than you do if she considers this behaviour appropriate. Bad parents never want to hear criticism, even if it’s gentle and loving. Don’t waste your energy. Enjoy your new marriage and know if you choose, you’ll be a better role model for your children.
NTA. Your are already practically no contact with them. Make it official since is seems like they are a waste of time. Tell your mother you tried but you are not trying again.
You’re about to get married and you want to spend one of the exceptionally busy nights beforehand, entertaining two nephews you’ve seen for two days max in the last 10 years of the entire 12 year lives? Sure, Jan.
What you did is the alternative to a well placed ass beating from a stranger.
He’s old enough it won’t be polite again. NTA
Sister and her husband sound like an absolute delight. No wonder their kids turned out so well.
I wouldn’t waste time trying to “bury the hatchet.” Clearly, it hasn’t been important to your sister or her kids to have a relationship with you, so I’d just let it–and them–go.