Hi, I said something meaning well but even my dad whom I said it for thinks I went too far. So I’d like to have an unbiased opinion.
My mom passed away almost 5 years ago. I was 24 at the time, my sister was 17. She’s always beem treated as the baby of the family by all of us and she did take our mom’s passing very hard. According to my dad, she’d have night terrors and he would go downstairs to get her water. She stayed with him for the first year of her college before moving out.
A couple of years ago, my dad started dating someone and when he told us my sister went ballistic, full-on sobbing and begging him not to. The strain led to him breaking it off. Same story repeated once more after that. My dad told me she was young and still coming to terms with it so he wouldn’t take anything too far.
Since last year, he’s been dating another woman who has two young boys of her own. My dad seems to really enjoy her company, we’ve met her a few times and honestly I love my dad and want him to be happy, he’s a great guy and she seems to make him so. When he told us he wanted to have us all spend christams together, my sister again had an argument, said that christmas with him was supposed to be her safe space, we had memories of us as a family with mom and asked him to hold off. He said yes and I knew he would because ofcourse he wasn’t going to risk her not coming.
Meanwhile, when talking to me, my sister has been asking me repeatedly if I think dad is going to marry this woman, I said I don’t know but if he wants to then I hope he does. Last weekend on the family groupchat, my sister talked about moving stuff back to his place. Thats when I learned that she was planning on moving back after she graduates in May and my dad had agreed.
I was so annoyed, she’s pulling the same thing, this is clearly to monopolize his attention and not let his relationship with his girlfriend proceed further. I said as much in the groupchat, she said she just wants to move back to be with dad and in the house where we have mom’s memories. At this I told her to stop weaponizing our mom’s death, and pretending like she was the only one affected and that the rest of us loved her less just because we want to look past the grief. That she was being manipulative in moving back when she had no plans prior to learning about his girlfriend. My dad kept texting me to shut up, my sister left the groupchat. She sent me a long text chain essentially calling me an AH and that her relationship with dad is her own. My dad says I crossed a line and should make up with her. AITA? Him taking her side is whats hurting me the most.
NTA
Your family should seek professional help, in my opinion. She’s still grieving the loss of your mother, and she’s not letting your family move on in a healthy manner.
NTA.
Your sister needs major therapy, and your dad needs to stop enabling her.
Dad needs to tell her to grow a pair and bog off!
NTA. I’ve been in your situation. I lost my mom and she was my best friend. I also wanted my dad to be happy again.
Your family needs therapy. Your sister is in a state of arrested development and, despite school, has not moved beyond being 17. She has warped her relationship with dad, and vice versa.
After 5 years, you had to be blunt because subtle didn’t work.
It sounds like your sister has not processed the loss of her mother and needs some therapy.
Your father can fight his own battles and if he tells you to back off, you must respect that.
You’ve said what you needed to say. Leave it at that
I don’t think youre the asshole. But your sister needs a therapist.
Your sister seems to be trying to keep your mother “alive” by freezing the house and your dad the way they were when your mom was alive. In her mind, moving on = killing your mom. That’s understandable when the grief is still new and raw, but it’s not healthy five years later. Talk to your father about this. Maybe a condition of her staying with him (for a limited period of time) could be that she has to get therapy, and you and/or your dad should be there for the first session to ensure the unbiased truth is established.
She must NOT move in unless and until she starts this therapy. She’s guilting your dad and ruining his chances for happiness, and him allowing it isn’t good for her.
NTA.
NTA
I agree with the previous comments. She definitely sounds like she needs therapy, whether it be for her being unable to move on or because of her manipulating your father and wanting to monopolize his time and essentially control his life.
I haven’t ever been in this exact situation, but after enough time, I believe I’d be fine with my parent moving on (my parents got divorced and started seeing other people, years later one of their new partners passed away, so that’s as close as I can get, unfortunately, from experience). So long as they weren’t trying to FORGET them or anything, which it sounds like your father isn’t doing. It’s just time to move forward in life, start living again. I wouldn’t want to be alone forever if my spouse died.
Anyway. Therapy for your sister and your dad both sound like a good idea. Not sure if either would be up for it, but you aren’t in the wrong, in my opinion.
NTA. But until your dad puts his foot down there’s nothing you can really do, other than keep encouraging him to get out & be with his girlfriend. Maybe one day he’ll get tired of her interfering with his life otherwise he’s going to be one lonely guy.
NTA. It sounds like your sister has been allowed to use her grief as a shield for way too long. While losing a parent is devastating, using it to gatekeep your father’s happiness and manipulate his living situation five years later is crossing a major line. Your dad deserves to have a life too, and honestly, you’re the only one being real with him right now. He might be upset because you broke the PEACE, but someone had to say the truth before he ended up isolated and alone just to appease her
NTA
Your sister needs to go into therapy. She is destroying your fathers life. Your whole family even. He has a right to move on and be happy. Does she want him to be alone and unhappy for the rest of his life?
NTA, absolutely agree, but Dad is enabling it so there’s nothing you can do about it. This is a cut your losses situation
NTA, and you’re right. Your dad knows you’re right, too…he just feels guilty that his “baby” is having a hard time. Keep advocating for your father. Your sister is not a kid, and she’s being selfish. Remind her that your mother was a kind, good person and SHE would want your dad to be happy.
Your sister hasn’t processes her grief in a normal way. She is living in a mind set that if everyone moves on with their lives your mom will be really gone. She’s fighting the finality of acceptance.
She’s also refusing to accept this because she sees everyone else living their lives as a personal betrayal against your mother and against her who is being left behind while everyone else moves on.
Your sister wants time to stand still and everyone else to stand still to keep your mother alive but also to support her, your sister who has let her trauma shape her whole personality and reality.
NTA, someone has to speak up and end this. Your sister hasn’t processed her grief at all, she’s just been moving her family members around a chess board that makes her grief a little more comfortable and easier for HER to deal with so that she doesn’t ever have to face it.
Your sister needs help, I strongly suggest getting her in touch with a grief councilor or other qualified therapist.