My sister was a mess growing up, and it greatly affected my childhood. She went off the deep end at the beginning of middle school and she became a nightmare at home
She was a huge bully to me in basically every way. My parents did send her to therapy and it drain the family dry. It didn’t help ( actually it got worse after that). She was in the wrong crowd at school so my parents decided to move states away to get a fresh start
I lost all my friends just so she could go back to being a problem at school. My mom was called in the first weeke since she fought someone.
At 16, she was arrested and it was enough that she was sent to Juvie. My parent could have done house arrest but decided against it which I am grateful for.
She is 23 now and is going to community college. After she got out she didn’t want anything to do with our parents ( her right). I am 20 and going to college myself.
We are in contract and something met up. We usually don’t talk any deep issue, light conversation.
We got dinner this weekend and It was going okay until she started shitting on our parents. She was ranting she wasn’t that bad and that they abandoned her.
She went on and said she was fine and they overreacted.
I had enough and told her that she ruined my childhood and I was happy when she was taken away becuase then she would leave me alone. She was a problem and if she can’t see that after going to juvie I don’t know what else can get that through.
She called me a jerk and that I have no idea how bad that place was. I told her I really don’t care since she made my life hell for years.
She sent me one text that if I want to see her again I will need to apologize. My roommate knows the story and was telling me she probably has trauma and I should be more understanding
Sounds like you also have trauma.
And I understand completely.
I always say the happiest day in my life was when my parents got divorced.
Not because my father moved out. But because my sister went to live with him, and I was finaly save in my own home.
By the way i am no contact with her,
NTA.
NTA
After all that’s happened, it sounds like she hasn’t really taken accountability for anything. Blaming your parents, saying she “wasn’t that bad”, not acknowledging how it impacted you, etc.
I don’t know what she went through in juvie, but both her and your roommate need to realize you also have trauma from your sister’s behavior. Roommate needs to take their own advice and try to understand where you’re coming from. It’s up to you OP, but I’d really question keeping any sort of relationship with your sister if this is how she reacts to 1) you sharing your feelings and 2) being confronted about being in the wrong. You deserve better.
She probably does have trauma, but so do you – from her. NTA
She says she won’t see you again until you apologize. That sounds like a her problem not yours. You were just fine without her while she was away I’m sure it won’t hurt you to have her out of your life again. How do your parents feel about her being out and your relationship with her?
NTA but she almost definitely has some kind of trauma from juvie.
I doubt she’s able to be rational about it, because her life experience was “I was being a “normal” rowdy teenager, and they sent me off to get SA’d (or whatever happened to her) for years.” And that’s on top of already being the kind of person who is a violent bully for years.
You’re not going to build a bridge with her. There’s probably no mending fences. She was a bad person to start and juvie made it worse by traumatizing her. Just move on and surround yourself with people who don’t ruin your life.
NTA. Nope. Your sister used up all the air in the room and you were struggling to breathe. You have every right to say what you said and you don’t owe her an apology. And if she wants to go no contact, well, then. Bullet dodged.
NTA
She probably does have trauma, but so do you, and it isn’t a trauma contest. **Both** your traumas result from *her* decision making.
*You* didn’t send her to juvie, and neither did your parents. *She* did something bad enough to get sent there, and your parents didn’t feel equipped to deal with her.
If she wants to cut you off, let her. If anything she owes you an apology for how her actions impacted you, who had no say.
My aunt sounds a lot like OP’s sister, except she never really stopped also being my grandparents’ favorite – which I think enabled a lot of her behavior.
OP, NTA. Juvie being awful doesn’t negate what she did. It also wasn’t remotely the first step to try and deter her behavior, even though she’s acting like it was a one stop drop. Remind her of how many steps it took to get to that point. If she “wasn’t that bad”, then therapy wouldn’t have made things worse.
Respond back by text “When you recognize your actions affected others and can take responsibility for the things you did to harm others I will think about apologizing. No matter your reasons for acting out, that didn’t give you the right to bully and abuse me”
I think that may be the move
NTA I had that brother. They never see what they do to you or the family. They are often narcissistic and really cannot see beyond themselves. It is an illness.
She may have gone through trauma and could be turning her life around. This is not your issue.
She needs to own up to how her actions reflected upon you. She needs to see beyond herself and have empathy for others in order to truly grow. You have nothing to apologize for.
Having her in your life now is probably not healthy for you. I would go low no to low contact as she heals. Therapy could also help you to heal.
Nta here’s the thing, I get that we’re trying to be more understanding of mental illnesses and trauma but having trauma does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions and it does not mean that everyone has to “give grace” for your bad actions
“Just because I understand your trauma doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate your behavior.
Empathy isn’t a free pass for cruelty.
You don’t get to use pain as a reason to cause more of it, and healing doesn’t mean accepting mistreatment.”
NTA. Her trauma does not override the trauma she gave to you growing up. It sucks that she went through trauma too, but she CAUSED your trauma, you didn’t cause hers.