First off, English is not my first language, so I apologize if something isn’t understandable or for spelling mistakes!
So I (20M) recently started university. And one of my high school friends (20M, David) reached out to me and asked if I’m willing to let him live with me. We got along well. So I obviously accepted. I struggle with depression and anxiety, so I made sure to tell him that I’m not the cleanest person and often leave the house a mess, and also that I’m not comfortable around new people, so if he wanna call others over, tell me first. He agreed with everything I said and soon moved in.
In the past few weeks, school really overwhelmed me, and I have to say that I let my depression get the best of me. I didn’t do my part of the housework and stayed in my room. David soon decided to talk to me about this, saying that the house was a mess and he’s not gonna clean the whole thing. I told him to just do his part of the housework. I’m trying my best and will clean when I feel a bit better. And so I did, when I got home from my classes that Wednesday, I did my part of the housework and some of David’s too, since he washed the dishes on days I was in charge. But on that Friday, David decided to call over his friends, which would’ve been okay if he’d told me. BUT HE DIDN’T! He just marched in at 8 pm with SEVEN people.
I don’t like being around people, and I did not know any of them. But they stayed in the livingroom/kitchen, so I stayed in my room. I had to go out after a while to drink. And they were still there, drinking beer, which David brought. The livingroom and the kitchen are connected, the only thing "separating" them was the countertop. So when I went to get water, David and his friends were chatting. David decided to introduce me to his friends, which I did not agree to. He just grabbed me by my arm and told them I was his roommate. (as if it wouldn’t be obvious). I said a quick "Hi" and wanted to go back to my room when David started telling me to stay and have "fun" with them. I told him I had to go and made up an excuse about some school work. When he replied with smth like "Come on, man, the least you can do is keep us company after leaving the house as a dumpster for days." I did not like that he called me out on that in front of others, but I did stay with them for a little while, when David once again decided to talk about how "lazy" I am, and pretended to have depression, just to dump all the housework on him. I felt extremely embarrassed and went back to my room.
The next day, I told David that what he did was not okay, and all he said was that he was drunk and didn’t want to be mean. But also that I can’t blame him, since I AM lazy and calling myself "depressed" is a huge lie. I told him that I warned him before he moved in, and threatened to kick him out if he was just gonna look past my problems. He hasn’t been home for two days, and his friends, whom I don’t even know, are texting me that I’m overreacting.
My jaw is *dropped*.
NTA. I understand him being frustrated by the house being messy, but it sounds like you’re trying hard to make up for it when you can. You told him upfront that this was something you struggle with, and he agreed that he was okay with it.
He violated a clear boundary by inviting people over without warning. He humiliated you in front of his friends. And while yes, again, a messy house can be frustrating, accusing someone of lying about being depressed because they (*checks notes*) exhibit one of the *most common symptoms of depression* is disgusting.
Any of those things would be grounds to say “Hey you know what, I don’t think we’re compatible as housemates.” That’s not making threats, that’s refusing to be disrespected in your own home.
I don’t think you should threaten. I think you should tell him that this isn’t working out and he needs to move out by a specific date.
ESH
>and threatened to kick him out
Well, you’ve put yourself in a bad situation here. You can’t kick people out on a whim, you typically must give them some kind of written notice and at least a specific amount of time to leave the apartment. Otherwise, people can sue you.
Look up your local laws before you get yourself into legal trouble.
Well if it’s just a sure you can stay with me and there is no written agreement and it’s not on the lease then he can.
This isn’t kicking someone out on a whim though. He clearly communicated what the house would be like and how the social scene in the house needed to be, and the guy agreed and moved in with no intention of actually honouring social boundaries or being respectful and understanding. Kicking someone out for that is not a whim, nor did he get himself into this mess. This is on the roommate for lying in the first place, being a disrespectful ass, and not even having the decency to admit he fucked up in several different ways.
I agree with you from a legal standpoint in terms of checking he doesn’t get in trouble, but OP does NOT suck here.
So, was he drunk and didn’t mean to be mean or are you lazy and just pretending to have depression to get out of chores?! He’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. He’s disrespectful towards your mental health issues. Some people with mental health issues struggle to even shower let alone do chores. He’s disrespectful to your shared living space. You never forbade guests. You just asked him to inform you ahead of time. He disrespected you in front of *HIS* guests that he never informed you would be there in the first place. He does not respect you and that’s the core problem here. To the friends that are telling you that you’re overreacting? Tell them you’re so glad they’re going to take him in instead of you. NTA.
As an introvert with severe social anxiety and depression having 7 strangers uninvited over drunk at 8pm for multiple hours and being forced to interact with them with no end in sight and on top of being called out on my depression nesting and being embarrassed by a friend in front of them is one of my nightmares. I don’t drink and being around drunk people is not fun for me, I especially do not want drunk strangers in my house. Home is supposed to be the one place I can escape from people and decompress. I wouldn’t last even a couple weeks either.
Since you’re opening up? I guess I will, too. I was *TOTALLY* speaking from experience. I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Depression. I’ve been *EXTREMELY* introverted my *ENTIRE* life to the point I’d cry when they sang happy birthday to me as a little girl. My dearly departed father was a PTSD Vietnam Veteran who self medicated with alcohol for the first 25 years of my life and was very abusive. Not a fan of alcohol whatsoever.
So? Having my safe space invaded by a bunch of drunk strangers, having someone I considered a close enough friend to crash at my place in their time of need only to turn around and betray me in front of those drunk strangers is *INDEED* nightmare fuel. Sick and tired of the lack of empathy and understanding in this world.
ESH
If he’s a tenant you can’t just kick him out, and he has the rights to use his home
You really shouldn’t be living with roommates if you can’t keep up with your part of responsibilities
NTA.
Mental health issues can just really mess up your life/routine easily, and feeling like shit because you can’t do the most basic things that you *know* you should be able to do is awful enough as-is. No need for someone to blame you for this like your roommate did.
I’m diagnosed with severe depression myself, so I get it.
You did the correct and considerate thing to tell him *before* he moved in. Your depression causes issues for the household (messy) and that isn’t something you can 100% prevent, so knowing ahead of time and being able to make the informed choice of whether one is still fine living with you is important.
You also have certain boundaries around guests/strangers which you communicated beforehand.
Your roommate accepted this all and still moved in, just to walk all over these things whenever convenient for him. I’m sorry to say, but he’s TA for not having any empathy for mental health struggles and zero consideration.
It’s for the best to kick him out; you probably won’t have a great time healing/managing with him around. He’ll only make things harder for you.
Make sure to follow whichever laws etc. apply when kicking him out, though! Most of the time, you can’t just kick someone out “on a whim”.
INFO
It sounds like you under informed him by telling him you’re just “messy” but then expected him to act as if he was aware of and fully informed about the intricacies of your anxiety and depression.
It’s unclear to me whether you informed him that you are actually depressed. He does mention depression, but you don’t say that you made that clear to him.
NTA you literally told him these things before he moved in! He is a guest in your home if he isn’t willing to respect your ground rules that’s on him
YTA
I assume none of the agreement was in writing but you can kick him out after appropriate notice, depends on where you live and that is your right as the owner, I assume.
However, you’re pretty annoying and you use depression as an excuse to make the whole house a mess and have no consideration for your “friend”. Keep your mess in your room, keep your dirty dishes in your room until you feel like cleaning them, but don’t fuck up the shared living space, that sucks to be around even if you don’t have company. You also say you don’t like being around people, yet you went to a bar to get drunk? Wat? If your friend told you he was bringing people first, what would you do, forbid him? Lol that’s a dick move so what’s the point other than just being controlling? Just stay in your room if you’re gonna be a sad boy. You’re embarrassed because you feel shame, which you should, which should make you change your behavior. Reddit will disagree with everything I’ve written except the first paragraph. It might be a little callous, but often changing your behavior changes your mind and I assume you don’t like being depressed or a pain to be around, so I see it as kindness.