Me and my wife (then girlfriend) were renting with a friend. I had just started a new job and had a decent shot of making a career out of it. By the end of the rental term things had gone south and I was paying for everyone’s share of everything.
Girlfriends mother makes an offer. She, her husband and her brother, are planning on buying a house and we could all live there if we contribute to renovations. This also means quitting my job.
For 2 years life goes on, we get married, etc. I can provide more specifics on this time period if asked. The only thing I feel is relevant to AITA is that finding a job where we moved was difficult and I’m unable to drive. I decided to resort to buying a bivy bag and a sleeping bag getting temporary work near where we used to live (Vancouver BC area.) The idea was someone I worked for would connect me with someone where I live now. This strategy worked but holy hell it was hard.
Fast forward to now. Mother in law’s brother decides he can’t handle the mess and crampedness from 6 people anymore and the non homeowners need to go. Me, my wife, and sister in law. This is despite having over $20,000 in savings ready to go for the renovations.
(Start of AITA)
Day 1: I am informed of what’s happening. We are asked by sister in law if we want to all move in. I can barely process the situation but I agree because there really isn’t any reason not to.
Day 2: I haven’t slept. We’re looking for houses and Sister in law suggests putting a down payment on a 200K townhouse. I decline because it’s a leasehold and would take far too long to pay off the mortgage if we were even able to get one at all.
And that’s when it hits me just how much money we have.
On a whim I look at Edmonton. On our browse we’re seeing full houses, land and all for $150k-ish. Sister in law is initially on board but backs out because she wants to stay close to Father in law and is worried about the medical system there. Completely understandable.
Day 3: 3 hours sleep. Decide to look at Edmonton again I guess to torture myself….. and now I see 2Br condos for 80k and 1Br for as low as 60K. (For those of you thinking about getting one yourself, don’t. Google "Special Assessment")
In my heart I was decided. We’re entering our 30s and need to take control of our lives. It has transit, her work will transfer her, the airport is right there. Flights to and from here to there are 100$ daily. I could even still work here until I found a job out there (Sleeping bag strategy). Sister in law would pay maximum $350 a month, all utilities included.
This was perfect for us in every stretch of the imagination, even in the face of our current situation. But it also means completely ignoring Sister-in-law’s wants, and if she was adamant about staying in BC, leaving her behind. If I didn’t learn about special assessments we would have.
Our relationship is damaged now. She’s absolutely blameless in all this. But can we be blamed either? AITA?
I have no idea what’s happening here. Why must SIL move in with you?
My eyes glazed over by the time I got to the third paragraph of over-explanation and excuses. In life I’ve found that anyone who walks in with 20 pounds of background information for a simple situation is almost always in the wrong and they think they can still get someone to be on their side if “they just hear the whole story.”
She got kicked out of the main house too and is also looking for a place to live. Don’t think she can afford something on her own.
Is SIL calling you an AH? I don’t see that.
This sounds like a family’s worth of untenable decisions. Flying to a different province to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground so you can keep your job? Why buy a house if your plan is to stay there on weekends only? If you had a job in you’re moving to, I would totally understand it.
NAH. But I’d take another 30 seconds to think this one through.
I’d suggest you actually get a full nights sleep my guy, I can’t imagine the stress you are under but buying a house with the entirety of your savings is not a decision you should be making while delirious… In terms of your question, does SIL want to live with you guys for cost reasons? or is it that she genuinely wants to live with you, and vice versa. Obviously don’t do anything behind her back, keep her in the loop and make it clear if you want to leave the area, but i wouldn’t say you are obligated to change your plans to fit her.
Last thing, find a job before you move – don’t be sleeping in a sleeping bag for a job, i cannot express how bad and dangerous of an idea that is, it’s not something you should CHOOSE to do ever.
There are other factors you need to talk to your family about also. It gets a **heluva** lot colder in central Alberta than on the lower mainland of BC – waiting for the bus, clothing, heating your home will be different than lower mainland BC. What is the transit system **actually** like? Healthcare keeps getting “fixed” by throwing good money after bad by Danielle and her oil hungry friends. Concerts and other things to do are abundant, beautiful scenery, friendly people etc don’t get me wrong, love alberta. But get some sleep and look at the whole picture my dude.
NTA. You married your wife, not her family. You are smart for looking out for your future.
WTF is a “special assessment “? (I’m in Australia, but I need to know).
NTA but your plan needs to be centered around what works for you and your wife, what you can afford without help from anyone else. Your stability hinges on that. Don’t move anywhere without exploring the job market and making sure you will be able to get a job. There’s areas around me where a friend bought a one bedroom cottage on one acre for $950.00. Yes less than a grand. The reason is all the factories closed, everyone moved away flooding the market with empty houses and foreclosures. It’s a two hour drive to the nearest city where you can find something outside of a gas station. The crime rate is high because the people still there are poverty stricken and do whatever to get by. Check the area and unemployment rate before you buy.
Huh? Why is the relationship damaged? She suggested a living arrangement and did nothing to find a solution. You found one, she didn’t want to do it. She should find something that works or she should STFU.
I’m not sure why you had to quit your job if everyone moved in. I also must have missed why you are basing your decisions on her wishes! Why? You aren’t married to her!
Why does she need to dictate her terms?
You should be thinking about your family, it’s not your responsibility to take care of everyone.
To house everyone.
I can tell you from experience that money always makes things horrible!
Even if she has money to invest and it would be a help.
Only, it never ends well. This world is money hungry and ppl do things to ppl for money.
Dude YTA…but to your self.
You need to stop making screwy arrangements. Go buy or rent whatever place is in the best location for you and your wife that is going to enable both of you to have good jobs.
By screwing around with her family and whatever TF this situation is your just making your own life hell.
I’d say to tell sister in law to take a hike. You’re in your 30s and married get some privacy.
Did I miss the part where you told us that you’re married to your SIL? If so, ew. If not, then why the hell does she get a vote?
NTA
This isn’t coherent. Sounds like you’re doing a series of irrational things and sleeping with the SIL. You’re an AH for being completely dysfunctional and making this post overly complicated just like you’re making your life.