We adopted our son when he was merely 2 years old. Don’t know much about bio parents except that his bio mother was poor and bio father was married and thus didn’t want to do anything with him.
When he was 19 he decided he wanted to know who the people who abandoned him are. I was obviously against that because there is no need for him to search for the past and the people who gave him up. Whats the point? Its all in the past and he should focus on the present and future
Shockingly, he kept pushing and even cried with tears how he needs to know his identity and the past. So I told him to wait until he finishes uni. By that time he will prob have a gf or a family and forget about this useless bs.
Yet he kept pushing again and again and I got fed up with it. I can’t understand how can someone care or even want to search for people who gave him up and never bothered to ask for him. And yet he still kept ranting about it
The last time again he cried desperately saying he needs to know. So I agreed and threatened him if he does it he will end up alone.
He went to social services regardless and found out who his bio mom is. But merely knowing who she is wasn’t enough. He wanted to get in touch with her and communicate.
Its been a while but now he is in contact with her and I can’t but feel betrayed. He already has a family so why would he search for his bio family? He already has everything but still wanted people who abandoned him, ehile I raised him and cared ehen he was sick
EDIT: He wasnt given up adoption. He was left on his bio father doorstep by his bio mother in hopes he would acknowledge him. He didnt and the baby was sent in the orphanage
YTA to the max. He has every right to look for his birth parents.
Also you act like you did him a favor by raising him after his birth parents “abandoned him”.Adoptive parents like you suck.
This.
Is.
NOT.
About.
YOU.
So YTA. If you’re a caring parent, support your kid – they need your love and understanding right now.
YTA. There is plenty of research that shows it’s beneficial for adopted kids to know about their roots. You as an adoptive parent should know that and support your child. This isn’t about YOU.
He has every right to know where he came from. YTA
In saying this as someone who was adopted themselves.
YTA. We don’t search for birth families just because, a lot of us search for birth families so we can find ourselves and get answers to questions. We search for birth families so we can get answers to things like “why did you put me up for adoption”, “what kind of medical issues run in the family that could affect me” and so much more.
It’s not that we look for our birth families out of spite and hatred, we know our adopted families love us, but this is a form of closure for us.
I was one of the lucky adopted who was adopted by my paternal grandparents so I only have to search for my birth mom and her family. And guess what my adopted mom though she may not like it helps and answers questions where she can.
By the sounds of it you’ve never been adopted so most likely don’t know what it feels like to not feel like you know who you are fully. Instead of being mad that your son is trying to find out who all he is, how about you start helping him so he can be the best self he can be.
Definitely yta. Kid wants to progress and has realised he can’t do so without acknowledging the past. You blocking this is stagnating his ability to acknowledge and move on. If you really care for this person you raised, you will show humility, apologise and assist
YTA, this isn’t about you!
He is an adults who wants to know his origins, medical history ect.
He won’t love you less. And he would not choose between you and his birth mom, because that was never something he would do. But if you keep pushing him too, he might will.
If you truly adopted because you wanted to be a parent, then act like one. Support your adult son’s needs even when they’re uncomfortable for you. And trust you raised him well so he will always love you.
This sounds so fake I can’t even. How can you adopt a kid in the past 20 or so years and not know anything about reunification? How do you not know that you were going to need to have this conversation at some point? Really? You threatened your kid because he wanted to meet his birth mother as an adult? Are you a grotesque cartoon villain? Do you have a crusty white dog as a sidekick that bites children?
Very much YTA
You don’t get to decide what he needs/wants to know.
He is an adult who wants to know more about himself, and the only reason you don’t want him to is you’re scared it will distance him from you. But your response **will** distance him from you.
I suspect this is a rage bait post though because of “shockingly, he kept pushing” being so obviously out of touch with reality.
What you have done is selfish and horrible. When you adopted your child you should have been prepared to support your child in this endeavour should they wish to pursue it.
I have to go with YTA. You should love your children unconditionally and you have shown that is not the case here. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA (and you’re a case of Massive Asshole). You adopted a child at 2 years old and never read up on attachment trauma, never read up on how many adopted children feel the need to understand their past no matter how loving and awesome their adoptive parents are?
You’re making this about you but it’s about HIM. It’s not “in the past”, it’s where he came from. Of course he wants to know. He’s not betraying you, you’re being insecure and horrible to him. You’re betraying him. And if you keep acting like this, he will distance himself from you.
Do better, fucking hell. Get over yourself.
YTA. This isn’t about you or your feelings. Wanting to know where you come from is completely normal and doesn’t mean he loves you less. You threatened to abandon him for wanting answers about his own life. That’s manipulative as hell.
YTA.
You’ve made this decision about **your** feelings and not **his** feelings. You might be hurt that he wants to find these people when you’ve been his patent all this time, but it’s his choice and not yours.
YTA but this cannot be real