I (20F) am a college student living in a triple dorm with 2 other girls my age (R1 & R2). They were friends beforehand, I was randomly assigned.
Recently, my roommates had 2 friends stay over for the weekend. I wasn’t informed beforehand, but I didn’t really mind. At one point, I was on FaceTime with my bf. I thought everyone had gone out, so I was venting about some minor roommate frustrations, which I think is pretty normal when living in close quarters. I didn’t realize that one of their friends was still in the room, hidden on the top bunk.
While venting, I mentioned that they often leave their belongings in front of my dresser/closet, so I constantly have to move things to get my stuff. At the time, there was a hair straightener cord blocking my drawers. I moved it to the side but while doing so I was saying that if there was ever a time I didn’t notice & it accidentally (genuinely accidentally) fell while I was opening my drawers, it wouldn’t be my fault. I was Not saying I would intentionally destroy anyone’s property, I never would do that.
The friend overheard & told them about it, saying I was “threatening to destroy her property,” which wasn’t my intention at all. A few days later, R1 confronted me about it. I said that I’d never deliberately break anything, & would obviously pay for anything I did break, but she didn’t seem to believe me & the conversation quickly escalated into cleaning & shared responsibilities.
R1 said I never clean the dorm & have never used the shared cleaning supplies. That’s technically true, but the supplies belong to them, & I didn’t know I was expected to use their things. I have my own supplies & clean my personal space regularly. She also said I don’t clean the main floor area, which is also technically true, but I don’t really use it the way they do (sitting/eating/hanging out on the floor). Almost all of the common space contains their belongings, & I keep all of mine in my own area, so I genuinely don’t know what I’m expected to clean without moving their stuff. The dorm is generally clean overall always.
The argument then shifted to trash. R1 said I didn’t replace a bag after R2 took it out, but no one replaced the recycling bag when I took it out a few days prior, so I questioned why that expectation was put on me & not on them too.
For context, I’m rarely inside the dorm besides mornings/nights. I try to stay in the library because I don’t want to be in their way. I get that it’s awkward living with a random roommate when you’re living with your friend.
I try my hardest to be a good roommate. I’m friendly, clean my space, keep my belongings to my own area, don’t intrude on conversations, & give them the common space. Also, I’m usually the one to take the trash out when I see that it’s about to start overflowing, R2 just got to it 1st the other day.
So, AITA here? I’m unsure about is the cleaning issue, I get their argument but also genuinely don’t know what they expect me to clean.
This again?
When you live in shared housing you need to do three things.
1. Communicate. A lot of this boils down to you three not actually speaking to one another about who is going to do what.
2. Share responsibility for common areas. Even if you rarely leave your room, all THREE of you need to be involved with maintenance of areas you share. It’s nice that they provided cleaning supplies.
3. Don’t gossip about your roommates especially in the space you share. That NEVER ends well.
Going with ESH
Okay I see what you’re saying I’m sorry that this is probably a pretty common type of post, I am just so full of anxiety over the whole situation and needed some feedback. Thank you for your input I will hopefully be having a conversation with them tonight. I want to be a good roommate but I just don’t know what the expect from me sometimes.
And the gossip stuff, yeah I’ve learned my lesson that’s for sure. I truly thought I was alone though, so that really sucked.
Oh believe me this one isn’t nearly as bad. The previous one had a hefty dose of racism thrown in there, which thankfully doesn’t seem to be the case here.
I get it – you do feel a bit like the third wheel. At the same time, you guys are stuck together for several months so communication is key. Never assume.
ESH for sure but OP don’t be too hard on yourself. I understand why you tried to be out of their way and assumed they want it that way.
Did you apologize for talking badly about them? If not start there and then say you don’t want to argue at all and you would like to be their friend but you tried to give them space. See if you can be vulnerable with them .. cause if you have to live with them for a while you can’t just say “I didn’t know and you didn’t tell me” that’s a very defensive stance and gets people to dig their heels in further. Good luck
Thank you.
I didn’t necessarily say anything bad about them, I was just venting about things they do that kinda bother me. But still I will be apologizing about the whole situation hopefully tonight. Thankfully we only have to live with each other for just a few more months in case it doesn’t go well.
How is it that so many college students are incapable of having an adult, sit-down discussion?
The three of you should hashed all this stuff out – visitors, cleaning, shared supplies, all of it – during the first week you lived together.
ESH.
Thank you for your input, and we did talk about this stuff during the 1st week, it was even required we do an agreement form about all of this. I want to have a conversation with them tonight about this whole situation because I really think it’s a misunderstanding turned into a huge blowout. I understand what I did wrong and hopefully they do too
NAH. Theres nothing AH about these interactions other than y’all talking through friends, but this is a growing pain/maturing moment. All of these things are minor compliants that y’all should grow to reach a point where you can just talk about them to each other rather than to/through someone else.
I agree, we probably should have talked about these things beforehand, it’s kinda on all of us for not doing that. Thanks for your input.
NTA everyone needs a release
ESH, all of you need to learn to communicate. I wouldn’t take it as far as Sheldon’s roommate agreement, but there should be some clear expectations for who does what and when. And this should be a face to face conversation, not text.
NTA