My friend “Jacob” (22M) has just recently hit his one year mark with his girlfriend, “Layla” (22F).
At first I had nothing but unconditional support for my best friend, and was happy to see him happy. Over the course of the next 5 months my friend Jacob barely responds to anybody, I had no idea what was going on his personal life at this point, but I excused it as just a honeymoon phase, after all, we’re young. Come June, Jacob finally reaches out and asks to hangout, and unknowingly I got a chance to meet her, and even more importantly, I got to know her (both personality wise and her past).
The first thing that struck me was her obscenity in the things she says. Even though we had just met, she was very vocal to both me and another friend who is closest to Jacob, saying things along the lines of, “You guys get bitches? That’s surprising” and, “Jacob isn’t exactly my type based on my history but the more I got to know him the more I found him cute”. While not an atrocity, I just find it strange. Layla is a very outspoken person, and seems to lack any form of social boundaries. She uses homophobic slurs, but it’s okay because she identifies as bisexual, will no exaggeration CONSTANTLY interrupt mid conversation to complain about extremely irrelevant things, blasts volume at maximum capacity on her iPad while we’re watching a movie or show, and constantly belittles other people including myself but plays it off as if she’s joking. She is always complaining about something, and because of this weird power scheme she has over Jacob, he is always forced to say “I’m sorry honey”. She has no water near her? I’m sorry honey. She forgot to start the laundry? I’m sorry honey. She didn’t buy the right cheese for a recipe? I’m sorry honey. ITS NEVER ENDING. Adding to this, they met last September, and since June have been saying I love you, and have brought up marriage. You’ve known this person for less than a year at this point, how is marriage even a feasible thought to you?
She is a high school graduate, and has never worked anywhere besides fast food. Matter of fact, she’s been fired more than she’s quit. I don’t know how he looks past that, but to each their own. Layla more recently got a job at a coffee place, and has taken akin to it, but even then was worried about being fired 2 weeks ago. If asked why, she just gave some generic answer. On top of the job stuff and no further education, she’s never owned a car in her life, and makes Jacob drive her literally everywhere. I was baffled by this. 22 years old, and no form of transportation? I tried to be sympathetic, as she comes from a relatively poor family. Then we did some talking and I realized that she has terrible money spending habits. Doesn’t matter if it’s $10 or $100, she will get it when she’s able. She even admitted that prior to this coffee job, she had never seen a paycheck above $1000. At 22 years old. I could go into more depth but am held back by character limits.
Whether or not they break up is none of your business.
You sound like a judgmental asshole. Worry about yourself.
She sounds like a lot, but YWBTA if you try to force the issue with Jacob. Honestly, he’s going to have to learn the hard way, if he ever does. All you can do is be non-judgmental if he comes to you for advice, but do your best not to trash her if he does complain. If they get back together after a breakup, he will tell her everything you said.
Yeah, I’ve never said anything about her to either him or most of my friends, these are my personal feelings. I understand I have no say or control over what he or she does. I just came here because I wanted strangers opinions on it. Thanks for a genuine reply!
NAH, but your friend has got to realize that this is a toxic relationship. You can try to talk to him but you cannot tell him to break up with him. He has to realize that for himself.
I personally wouldn’t even talk to him about her, but maybe whenever you know she will be there just don’t go.. if he brings it up to you, maybe you can tell him something that doesn’t put her down but also subtly shows your dislike of her?
NTA for wanting it, but you need one your opinion on yourself unless asked.
You don’t have the right to ask anyone not to date someone or to breakup with them. Who Jacob dates is his choice.
Now, you can choose not to hang with them. That’s perfectly reasonable given the behavior you’ve described and you can tell him you’re not willing to hang out with him if she’s there. It will impact your friendship, there’s simply no way around that. But, telling him you want him to break up with her, will likely end the friendship.
NAH, you’re allowed to not like her, and Jacob is allowed to not take your advice. Voice your concerns about the way she treats him, but you do not get to tell him to break up with her.
NTA for *wanting* the breakup, but if you push it you will likely end up pushing your friend away. In situations like these, they have to come to the realization themselves. Honestly, sometimes it never happens. But regardless, it’s not something you can force.
NTA for having an opinion or expressing it but you would be the AH if you tried to force them to break up. Who he dates is his choice. If you don’t like her then just don’t hang out with her as much
Yeah that’s kind of the way it’s gone, I’ve seen less and less of him as times gone by, but still see him alone when I get the chance. I’ve never told him about how I feel, because I respect his decision to be with her. I hope I’m wrong in all honestly, and that they have a long, happy relationship, it’s just from what I’ve seen I don’t get those vibes.
I think I can see you care OP. This is not the kind of person you’d choose, and I respect that. However, it is your friends choice, and regardless you have to respect that. If they’re okay with the person they’re dating using that kind of slur language and talking about marriage there isn’t much you can do to stop it. There is a question as to why your friend is okay with it though, but let’s save that for another day. I guess how do your other friends feel about them? Is it worth ruining the friendship (potentially) to discuss? Or can you distance yourself from them and just meet up with the guy one on one or without plus ones. Young love is quite intense, so this might not be a forever thing but if it is this is something you’ll have to live with or distance from.
Just an FYI where she works seems irrelevant. Would you like her more if she dropped out of a high tier job than a fast food joint? A lot of people also don’t have cars and prefer to walk, if their place of living allows for it. Not having transportation at the age of 22 is absolutely fine. It’s also up to her how she spends her money, good or bad.
NTA for having your opinion, but you would be TA if you shared it without being asked.
YTA. It’s not your business who he dates. Basically all I’m hearing is that you don’t like her personality or her lack of socially-expected milestones hit. Like you said, to each his own. Unless your friend is being abused or cheated on, it’s not your place to decide if he should be dating someone.