I am a first-time user and really need advice regarding a family situation.
I (23F) am currently in a disagreement with my dad (63M). For some context, I live in Saskatchewan while my family still lives in Alberta. I am a child of divorce, which has come with its own issues, particularly with the women my father has dated. He has had two serious relationships after my mom: one girlfriend for six years and his current wife. We’ve always struggled with where we fit into his priorities. I often feel like I come second in his life, but he gets upset when I express this, even though he makes little effort to change my perspective. My brother has distanced himself from my dad a long time ago; they stay in contact but he doesn’t let my dad’s opinions impact his life. I, on the other hand, have always been very close to my dad.
I moved to Saskatchewan for school, and during my two years of study, I moved twice. Each time, my dad promised to help me, but he had an excuse for why he couldn’t. While these experiences bothered me, I understand that we own a business, and the fall was busy and difficult for him to step away.
After finishing school, I decided to stay in Saskatchewan with my boyfriend. We have moved twice and are now in the process of moving three hours farther away, where we have found jobs. For all of these moves, my dad said he would help but didn’t follow through. This last move has really pushed me over the edge.
For two weeks, my dad assured me that he would bring our trailer down to help us move. I told him we didn’t need the help because I anticipated he wouldn’t follow through and didn’t want to be disappointed again. When I expressed this, he got defensive, insisting he would make it work. For two weeks, he called every other day to reassure me that he would be coming.
After Christmas, I was growing more confident that he would help, which was a relief since I had developed a lung and sinus infection over the holidays. I was counting on him. However, an hour into my drive back to Saskatchewan, he called to tell me his wife didn’t think she could handle three days without him, so he wouldn’t be making it. While that was a valid excuse given her situation, I was upset. I was tired of his broken promises. He didn’t text for two days, and when he finally did, he ignored the situation.
When he called, I brought it up because he was trying to avoid the topic. We ended up arguing about how I was making a bigger deal than necessary and how I was ungrateful for all he has done. He got upset and said he would never make me a promise again, then hung up.
I wasn’t upset that he didn’t come; I was hurt because he let me down again without showing much compassion. I told him I would like to talk, but he hasn’t answered in two days. Am I in the wrong for not reaching out, and how do I deal with this without caving?
Him saying he won’t promise anything ever again is rich, considering it was him who broke the promise. For the third time. And I’m not seeing how his excuse is valid. NTA.
You’re definitely not the asshole for wanting your feelings validated. it sounds like you’re not mad about the trailer itself, but about the repeated pattern of broken promises. that’s a totally fair thing to feel hurt about.
What condition does his wife have that she couldn’t bear to have him with her for three days that they weren’t aware of until last second?
And how many times are you going to let him prove himself to be the same person over and over again before recognizing that this is who he is and he’s not going to be a better person? You’re not going to get the validation you want because he is 64 years old and is set in being an absent parent who feeds you full of empty promises. That’s how it is.
You can be hurt and expect him to recognize that and fix it, but sounds like you’ll be waiting until the earth turns flat for that to occur. Or you can be hurt, accept it, and make one of two choices. Know he will always lie to you, will never prioritize you first, and then will make you feel guilty for it, and just accept that as status quo. Or you can know that is who he is, call him out on it whenever he starts to throw the lies out, and tell him that until he actually proves his words with actions, you don’t need the words, and you two can discuss the color the sky or whatever it is you talk about when he’s not making false promises, or you can just take this as an opportunity to follow your brother’s footsteps and go low contact or no contact.
I think YWBTA if you think you’re going to get a different reaction from your dad than what he’s already done over and over again with you… but only because your actions are AH to you. You’re setting yourself up with false hope and getting hurt in the process. They don’t change. But you can change how you react to him.
she has some mental things that make it hard for her to be alone without having bad thoughts.
My dad has done alot for me in my life, he has fixed my car multiple time, he helps me out financially whenever i need and i can always call him to talk to him about things when i need advice. i just can count on him to put me over the women in his life.
i do agree that i have to stop waiting around for him to put me first, I only get disappointed. unfortunately i have tried to talk to him and stick up to him but he just make me feel bad for complaining about what he doesn’t do even though im extremely grateful for what he has done he holds it over my head in these situations. when i try to reach out he will ghost me for a couple days and then pretend like nothing happened and if i bring it up he gets frustrated that im making a big deal over nothing.
ESH
Your father shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep so that obviously that makes him an AH.
The other side of this is that moving is a major task for anyone, let alone a 63 year old. I don’t think you and your BF should even consider relying on a 63 year old to help you move. Why didn’t one of you go pick up the trailer from him, borrow it, load it, empty it, and drop it back off?
my dad is 63 years old but he moves and does everything like he 40. my dad wouldnt let us use his trailer without him being there and he is 5 hours away from us so it would end up taking more time.
i also did tell him that we would be ok and it would be a lot to drive all the way down here to help but he was very persistant that he could and will be helping.
Are you really young or just super unfit? 63 is not that old. My Mum is that age and still perfectly capable of helping someone move.
Your dad is a flake who keeps promising and failing to deliver. It is not immoral to call that out, or to express your feelings about it. Your feelings are valid, and though they need not be, backed by the data. Your dad is a flake who minimizes the impact of his broken promises to feel better about himself. NTA.
NTA
You know that old saying “forgive and forget”? Well, it isn’t for you.
You can and should forgive. It doesn’t effect him in the slightest if you are mad or not. Look at it like this – not helping you would make your relationship strained, helping you would make his relationship with his wife strained. He chose her. He was okay with letting you down. Because it doesn’t effect him. So keep hate out of your heart for the new year and forgive him.
But we never forget. Stop relying on him. If he wants to be in your life, he will be there. He can get invites and updates, but stop putting him in a place where he has importance. Try to put him in a place where he is a side dish in the buffet of your life and not the main course. It will be nice if he is there, but he won’t make things difficult when he can’t show up.
Wish I could offer better but this is how I survived as a child of divorce who had a parent just like your dad.
thank you this was really really helpful and i will be doing this. you have no idea how much i needed to hear this
NTA. I have some of the same problems with my dad. He never really follows through with promises of help and/or money. I wasn’t able to apply for financial aid in college until I was over 26 because of his help. I even wound up semi homeless because he said he would support me going to school over seas.
I just have to acknowledge that my dad is a bit of a narcissist who likes to believe that he is the good guy.
He means what he says when he is saying it, but I know there will be no follow through. So I smile, I nod, then I go home to my house. I’m old enough and lucky enough to be able to have the relationship on my own terms.
Thank you I’m so sorry that you have to go through that that’s not fair
You’re NTA. Whatever else is going on with his life and whatever problems his wife has, he has established a pattern of breaking promises. Of course that’s hurtful to you.