I 34 Male and my partner 34 Male met up for dinner after I was out for a day with friends at a sauna. After leaving the spa, I drove to get him and go to dinner.
I was wearing a tshirt, black sweatpants, white sneakers and a fleece flannel. At dinner we both were feeling like seeing what’s going on at the bars. There is a big snowstorm due in the next couple of hours and might be fun to check out the vibe in the city. After dinner, at his request I drove through the area where the gay bars are to see if anything was happening. We were about to get out when he asked me if I was wearing sweatpants. I said yes and right then he shot down the idea of being in public.
I didnt think much of it and started driving home. During the drive I questioned him about it more as I was disappointed. We’re going to be snowed in, and away from eachother for the next couple of days and going out was our last opportunity to hang before.
When I questioned his reasoning for not going anymore, I got some comments about how he wouldn’t be seen with me in public looking like this, that I looked lazy, crazy and like a homeless person.
These comments made me feel not great about myself. I in 5 years of our relationship have never once gone out to a bar or club in sweatpants. I have always dressed in a way that is socially acceptable and relatively nice. I personally want to look good when im out enjoying a night and mingling.
I can understand if I was consistently wearing sweatpants or pajamas at clubs, however I never have before. Today just happened to be a situation where I dressed for a specific event and then an opportunity to do an alternative thing came up and I was willing to go as is.
I hoped my partner would tell me not to worry, that we will have fun regardless of the clothing style, He seemed far more concerned about what kind of message we would be sending to other people if we were out and he was dressed normally while I was dressed "lazily".
I understand that he wants to be out in public and seen with people who care about their appearance, I also want that. This was an abnormal situation.
I can only think that his pet peeve with sweatpants is so strong that theres zero exceptions or that he doesnt like my sense of style but hasn’t brought that up fully, Im not sure?
Heres where I might be the asshole, I started an argument about it that ended our night poorly.
I cant attach a pic of what I was wearing. If anyone knows how I can upload one pls let me know, its needed context. This is my side of the story but i tried to relay the situation honestly.
The sweatpants were the main issue but they were brand new sporty black jogger type sweatpants that were form fitting. Not anything old, stained or worn.
AITA for wanting to stop by a bar with my partner in sweatpants?
EDIT* for clarification we went to get Chinese at place that was not fancy and it was more eating dinner than date night. Second if we had initially planned to go out I would have brought a change of clothes for the bars. Main problem is I had no alternative clothes as the initial plan was to eat and go home before the storm
you went out to dinner first right? so shouldn’t he know what you’re wearing? sorry but i’m still really stuck on that. I don’t really think anyone paying that little attention to you gets to have an opinion. NTA.
Same for me — other commenters are focusing on whether or not sweatpants are okay but that’s really not the point? The suggestion was that the group travel from point A to destination B, if there are wardrobe issues they should be mentioned when the agreement takes place to move to a different location takes place. The partner also has every reason to know that changing isn’t possible right now.
NTA, your partner is being ridiculous, it’s a bar, not an elite restaurant.
NTA
Though I agree I’d never go to a bar in a gay area wearing clothes that casual.
Though as a taken man, I don’t think he or you need to dress up more than jeans for a quick drink. It’s not like you are going to try and pickup.
I assume your bf knew what you were wearing given you are together. Unless you were somehow covered up.
I think the way your bf went about telling you he had changed his mind based on what you were wearing was quite rude.
So….
I’m too old to care about what other people think. That being said, I wouldn’t go to any upscale place wearing sweatpants.
Idk man. Did it look good? Did you feel comfortable?
I wouldn’t want my Partner dictating what i wear
….
Well, he probably didn’t appreciate you showing up to a dinner date in sweatpants and chose to handle that by making a rude comment about the bars.
NTA I guess, but like….I want to say everyone should wear whatever they want to everything, but the fact is that clothing does send a signal to the people around us, and as social animals, it’s hard not to pick up on those signals and worry about what signals we ourselves might be sending. So I don’t think your bf is crazy, even if his delivery left something to be desired. And seriously, next time? Dinner date = real pants.
Seems like they had a different idea of what dinner meant. For BF it was a ‘date’ dinner and the main event of the evening for OP it was an ‘after spa, hang out’ dinner. Wires crossed, a little lack in communication. BF could have probably handled it better but sometimes frustrations come out a bit frustrated. Kiss & make up this time, make sure to be on the same page next time you’re going to dinner.
INFO: where did you have dinner, and how did your partner not already know you were wearing sweatpants? Personally I wouldn’t go to dinner in sweatpants either, you knew that was happening after the sauna and should’ve had something appropriate to change into already.
I’m inclined to go E S H but I’m confused about how dinner was ok but a bar wasn’t.
This makes me think it’s fake. Hard to imagine he didn’t notice until they’re all the way there. Plus it’s written so weirdly. Very introspective and yet disconnected.
NTA
It is clear that your boyfriend cares more about what people think and about appearances than about having a fun time with you.
Since the pants were form fitting, they would be welcomed in any gay bar. Gay men love a show and advertising your circumcision status is a plus. NTA.
NTA as far as I’m concerned, but I don’t care what anybody is wearing ever. If the person wearing the clothes is comfortable then what business is it of mine? I don’t waste a lot of time worrying what other people think about how I live my life.
NTA… but prob should have left it a casual dinner which you were dressed for. I mean tho was he being passive aggressively pissed abt not being in on the sauna party?? All good for dinner but tbh I think sweats would be held for super casual taverns not full on gay bars w best dressed / dancing type vibe
Personally, I don’t care what people wear, but you both do. You said you don’t make a habit of it and you hadn’t made plans to go, but it was a spur of the moment thing and you weren’t prepared a you normally wouldn’t have been.Your partner made a big deal of it. It appears that your partner is inflexible and seems to care more about clothing than he does spending time with you. I’d be mad, too, nta.