AITA for wanting to move out after my mum secretly read all my private messages in real time?
I’m F26 and living at home with my parents while studying full time. I come from a very strict ethnic household where privacy has never really existed. My parents have babied me my whole life and still treat me like a child. Any independence or decision I make for myself is framed as disrespect or going against the family. My mum insists I still follow a curfew, snoops through my car, goes through my room when I’m in the shower, checks my bags, and looks through my belongings under the guise of cleaning.
I’m in a serious relationship but because of how my parents react to dating I’ve kept details minimal. As i’m essentially not allowed to date in the normal sense yet they’ll expect me to be married with kids by 30 but alright. Recently I told my mum I was staying at a friend’s house when I was actually staying at my boyfriend’s. I know lying isn’t ideal but if I had been honest it would have caused a huge fight and interrogation.
Two days later my mum aggressively confronted me, screaming and accusing me of lying, asking if I was having sex or pregnant, and yelling at me for hours. I denied everything because I was overwhelmed and confused about how she seemed to know so much. I thought it was over and the matter would be dropped. The next day however my boyfriend told me I had been leaving his messages on read early in the morning even though I was asleep. That’s when I realised my old phone was missing. I had recently upgraded phones but my old one still worked and was logged into my Apple ID.
I walked into the living room and saw my mum mopping while holding my old phone, open on my iMessage chat with my boyfriend, reading our messages in real time as they came through. These included me venting about her behaviour and how badly I want to move out.
I realised she must have found my phone while I was gone that night with him, somehow unlocked it, and gone through everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. All messages with my boyfriend, all messages with friends, photos, personal thoughts, including intimate and sexual conversations and photos that were never meant to be seen by anyone else. She had my phone for days.
I took the phone back and she yelled “I know everything now”. She then barged into my room, screamed that she had read every message and seen everything, called me a liar, and only left when I told her I was in a Zoom class. We haven’t spoken since and the house is extremely tense. I know she sees nothing wrong with what she did and believes me lying justifies her insane invasion of my privacy.
I’m now scared she’ll tell my dad which would escalate into ultimatums and major fights. As they are both very over bearing and traditional and extremely strict towards me My boyfriend has offered that we move out and rent together, which would be financially tight and much earlier than we planned as we initially were waiting to save for a house towards the end of this year.
AITA for feeling deeply violated and wanting to move out now due to this or am I overreacting?
Move out asap. Youre 26 not 12. They are treating you like a baby
Jesus, you’re 26, fly away little bird.
NTA, but you should have moved out years ago.
Based on your description here, though, I uh… wouldn’t expect that process to go smoothly either. Expect ultimatums, control tactics, cancelling your phone, threats, and refusal to hand over your personal documents.
So maybe start carefully putting together the resources you need to leave safely and then pull the trigger without notice. Make sure you have income and a place to stay lined up.
Also, it sounds like there may be a cultural component to this? What country are you living in/ethnicity are your parents? Sounds like they might have some excessively traditional attitudes about their role in your life… in some cases that could make this situation significantly more dangerous for you, so proceed with caution.
I live in Australia. My parents come from a very traditional background where adult children, especially daughters, are expected to remain under parental control until marriage. Full Independence is often seen as disobedience rather than a normal stage of life
Oh 100% I don’t expect it to go smoothly at all, Im dreading it. i’m preparing to slowly try to take my personal documents when they aren’t around and to start preparing to leave quietly, and I’ll definitely have a place lined up first and some income before I leave ! I know my mum will definitely confront me on what she’s seen on my phone and the fact that I lied so i’ll just have to take it and stay quiet and lay low now and not give them any indication i’m planning to leave because I know they’re going to go insane honestly 🙃 I’ll be careful though
NTA!! Argh!!!! The narcicists!!! (Sorry for name calling) Ive come into contact with these. Theres obviously no changing their feelings toward their actions, etc. Move out immediately! This is actually absurd. Youd probably have more privacy living with ten roommates . Im sorry to hear this!
NTA – that’s controlling and abusive behavior! Get outta there!
>Well I might be the asshole because I lied to my mum about where I was staying and I am now planning to move out suddenly with my boyfriend rather than trying to resolve things at home. From her perspective, I disrespected her rules, broke her trust, despite the face in a grown 26 year old adult and avoided accountability by denying things when confronted. She believes my lying justifies her actions and that I am overreacting by wanting to leave instead of apologising and staying with my family
NTA. This episode is just the evidence your values and your parents’ values are incompatible, making cohabitation with them a bad idea all around.
NTA. Get out asap.
i’d definitely move out – set up some boundaries
NTA but grab what you need and bunk with your boyfriend for now. Why sit in that house waiting for the other shoe to drop? Leave.
NTA. Get out of there. This is a huge invasion of your privacy. You’re a fully grown adult. You don’t need to be shamed or reprimanded for something she found it whilst violating your privacy.
It’s crazy because I started to feel guilty for it and felt like maybe I did do something wrong, but after reading everyone’s comments it’s 1000% insane and not okay at all on her end to violate my privacy in that way, regardless of how “close” we are. Im an adult! Thank you for your comment man
NTA you absolutely need to move out.
NTA. You’re 26. You have a curfew, you’re not allowed any privacy, independence or romantic relationships, and your mother snoops in every aspect of your life as if you’re a criminal. Your parents are acting like your jailers instead of people who are supposed to love and support you. In what universe could you possibly be the AH? You’re being suffocated and abused. Take your boyfriend up on his offer. Gather your important documents and belongings and get yourself free of that toxic environment.