I (28F) live in one of the two iconic affluent university towns in the UK in a share house with 2 other people, let’s say Jay (27?M) and Adam (30M).
Important context, before Christmas, Adam forgot to lock the backdoor one day (though it was closed, and the backdoor also leads to a gated private garden and parking space). This was the first time something like this happened in over a year that these two have lived together. Okay, sucks but innocent mistake a lot of people make right? Wrong. Jay reacted VERY badly. Angry and accusatory. It went on for days. At some point, I had a chat with Jay and he was convinced Adam was either an alcoholic, high on drugs, or has a brain tumour, not simply because it was a mistake.
Now, this is unfortunate timing.
This morning as I left for work through the front door, I closed door behind me as I always do. However, I think the latch got stuck and didn’t lock properly behind me (we have one of those Yale auto-lock ones for the front door), and I was in too much of a rush and didn’t double check. Thankfully nothing was lost or damaged. Jay found the door open shortly after when he woke up and texted the chat, I felt really bad because i know it affected him a lot the last time. I apologised several times and said i’ll make sure to always double check from now.
He went off. He kept saying this is insane, that my reaction and explanation is not acceptable, that he doesn’t believe it was an accident, that he works with sensitive government information and I’ve put him in a bad position, he asks what can i do so he believes that it’ll never happen again,…etc… At some point he was saying we need to "rethink" the house share (we are renting via a shared tenancy so breaking lease means EVERYONE is leaving). I kept apologising and apologising, trying to explain it was an accident, that i didn’t mean to leave it open, the lock didn’t lock properly, assuring that I will always double check from now on. But nothing was good enough for him. He seems to think that I left it open on purpose, and I just don’t know how else to explain that I also have valuables in the house and I also don’t want to leave the door open, it was an accident.
I know it’s still my responsibility and I am really sorry, but WIBTA if I tell him he is overreacting? It’s 10:28PM and I’m still hanging out in the office because I’m genuinely kind of uncomfortable to go home. I asked this in another sub for UK tenants and people seems to think the same but I’m not sure.
Edit to add that neither Adam or I when we communicate with Jay ever treat it like a small deal it minimise how he feels, we were both very apologetic. The issue is no matter what I say or Adam said it was not enough and he’s asking me to "prove it will never happen again" which i don’t know what i can possibly do.
It sounds like other things are bothering Jay which are not told in this story.
Living with roommates is hard because everyone is horrible.
In any case yeah it seems like Jay should not live with you two right? Work with your landlord on a way to continue tenancy and replace Jay. For Jay’s own good of course.
NAH
NTA bc it was a mistake but maybe you should reevaluate the home share. He has a very intense reaction to these things and you’re so uncomfortable that you think staying in an office all night is better than going home. So start saving your money to move. And maybe the other roommate is still willing to be a roommate afterwards
Even if he worked for the government, which I honestly don’t even believe, he’s paranoid and overly accusatory. NTA but it’s worth looking for a new spot to avoid unnecessary conflict with the wacko
The way you are describing his reaction sounds like an OCD or even paranoid schizophrenic reaction.
Whether it is or not, it seems like he will not be satisfied no matter what you say.
The only thing you can do is state that it was an accident. Accidents happen and you cannot guarantee it will not happen again. If he requires guarantees beyond that, it’s his responsibility. End of discussion. If he pushes or pokes, explain that the subject is no longer open for discussion. If he doesn’t feel secure in the living space, and has to find a new place to live, he will have to find someone to replace him on the lease.
NTA.
You made a mistake. You owned it, and apologised. What more does he want you or Adam to do?
I know you don’t want to be ‘evicted’ from your tenancy, but I also wouldn’t want to live with somebody who has that level of paranoia…
NTA but if Jay has sensitive government information he works with.
1. He should have a safe bolted to a wall or floor that when not working contains all his files and equipment.
2. He should be the one to move out if he is going to be this uptight over a mistake.
3. You all should get the front door check to ensure this can’t happen again.
If he is in the UK and works with sensitive info, it will all be on his computer which will have multiple access codes to get into. He will not have any paper files or documents at home. He should be locking his computer any time he is not at his desk. Leaving door unlocked is annoying but there should be no way to access it if he is doing his job properly. If that wasnt the case, he wouldnt be allowed to have visitors to his home.
INFO: Has Jay freaked out like this about anything else in the past? The way he immediately jumped to these sporadic conclusions makes him sound unstable but I don’t want to internet diagnose him. My best guess is that whatever government job he has is making him paranoid but again, just a guess, NTA obviously.
NTA and he shouldn’t have roommates if he can’t accept that he can’t control every aspect of shared living. Shit happens. If there’s a way to swap him out of the lease, I’d look into it. Otherwise, look at the lease and see if there is a way to fight against one of the other parties trying to end it. In the meantime, I’d just try to be firm. You’ve apologized sincerely and you don’t need to fall on the sword dozens of times here.
NTA. Accidents happen and frankly if Jay has such sensitive material he needs a bedroom door that he can lock himself or live alone.
It’s not your responsibility to keep that information safe, it’s his.
NTA
You and your other roommate need to stop apologizing to this guy.
When he goes completely off the rails, all you need to say is *you’re overreacting – get back to me when you calm down*.
And walk away.
If he wants to initiate breaking the lease, let him look into that and figure it out for himself.
But I doubt the landlord is going to allow him to break the lease over what you’re describing.
If he works with sensitive government information, then he is likely violating his employer’s rules by having it where someone could get at it. If having the front door unlocked is enough to get at his stuff, that means you and Adam could get to his stuff. And that would be a big no no for confidential information. He’s either paranoid, lying and paranoid, or lying to get out of the lease.
He could be lying because he has some huge trauma and doesn’t want to express that. But you are NTA, and he is overreacting.
NTA, but I agree on “rethinking the house share.” I wouldn’t want to live with someone like Jay who flies off the handle and refuses to recognize a simple mistake.
“he works with sensitive government information”
Is he bringing home confidential information that could get him in big legal trouble, a paranoid or both?