Long story short, I grew up in an abusive house and I’d never want to pass my father’s name down. So I started unofficially using my middle name as my last name since it’s also a common last name. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years at this point
When I initially asked for her parents blessing to propose to her 4 years ago, I did mention that I wanted to take her last name because they’re all like a family to me and I didn’t want to keep my fathers last name. They were really touched by this because my SO is an only child and they assumed she would one day take her husbands last name.
My fiancée loves my last name, but at the time, didn’t want to take it because her grandmother had recently passed and she wanted to stay connected to her by keeping the name.
Now 4 years later, I’ve gotten really attached to my last name. Our relationship with her parents also isn’t the same as it used to be. Their marriage has been going down hill, one of them had an affair and every time we’re with them all they do is fight with each other or pass judgements on what we do in our life / try to guilt us for planning on moving hours away to our dream country.
Additionally, now my fiancée wants to take my last name because she realized her last name wasn’t the last name her grandmother was born with and she finds it more meaningful to take mine than keep hers. She also said she would not want to hyphenate and is excited to now take mine. (A lot has changed in 4 years.)
Our wedding is coming up this year and recently her mother asked my SO if I’ll still be taking their last name. My fiancée said no and my future MIL was surprisingly really upset by this (she wants a divorce from her husband) and reminded her that I said I was going to take it and that “now the name won’t be passed down.” My fiancée said it’s just what we decided we want and also told her not to tell her father yet because she didn’t want to deal with him and wanted to wait till we’re all together
I feel a bit bad because I said I was going to do something, but I changed my mind since 4 years ago.
I know her father is going to ask me what changed and will take personal offense to me no longer wanting to use the name. Last conversation we told him our plans about a long trip we’ll be taking and he said “your best moments are my worst times” because he tries to guilt us anytime we leave the house. I’m trying to keep myself calm for this upcoming conversation next week, but I need to know beforehand, AITA??
NTA for changing your mind about something that is nobody’s business except you & your fiancée. Of course, that doesn’t mean that people won’t give you crap about it, but it may help you stand your ground.
Nta. consider picking a new last name for both of you that you both admire and make a fresh start with your married life.
NTA
The most important factor here is that this decision is what you and your partner both want.
If your partner was still attached to the original idea of using her last name, the judgement would be different. *You* didn’t decide to keep your last name, you and your partner *both* decided.
What your fiance’s parents want isn’t relevant. They don’t get a vote and it’s ok if they’re upset. They’ll get over it. Or they won’t. It really doesn’t matter.
NTA. You and your fiancé have every right to make your own decisions about this. If she likes your last name then go for it. Last names go back generations and don’t have to be associated with your father as much as you think. Best of luck.
I would leave it to fiancé to have conversations with her family. She changed her mind and wants to be
Life changes. Constantly. NTA
NTA. its a choice between you two. Others just gotta deal with it. Its not their name so they get no say. Tough cookies for them. (As my husbands grandma used to say.
Heck you can chose any name you want. Even make up a new last name seperate from everyone if thats what you wanted. Its your name. No one but you two have to live with it.
NTA. You get to make this decision for yourself, and you get to change your mind.
NTA.
4.YEARS.MAN. A lot of things could have happened during that time, and you certainly didn’t sign a contract with your MIL about it. You’re getting married, not them. Yes, they can give you their opinion, but at the end of the day, you and your spouse get to decide which name you’ll take when you marry. Not your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, not even your own family. What’s important is that you and your fiancée are happy.
“Your best moments are my worst times.” I doubt you could ever be as much of an AH as your future FIL. NTA & what a self-centered, self-victimizing thing to say. That’s insane to me
NTA. This is a decision you and your fiancée made together. It doesn’t matter if her parents take exception to it. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what any outside influence thinks. It’s *your* name, and you alone can decide what that is. It was a sweet sentiment at the time, but things change. Also, her father sounds like an AH.
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind. Assuming you and your fiancee want to share a last name, yours are the only votes that count.
I will point out that even if her grandmother wasn’t born with the same last name as your fiancee, she likely had it for the vast majority of her life.
Alternatively, y’all could choose a new last name, possibly even grandma’s maiden name.
NTA. You both changed your minds. No need to feel bad at all.
Imagine how awful life would be if we were stuck with the first decision we ever made about anything…
I’d still be wearing all shades of brown, have long lank hair in a middle parting, wouldn’t have even tasted 90% of the foods I have tried and enjoyed, and I would be a very unhappy person.
NTA. Your marriage, your decisions.