I paid for most of my sister’s master’s degree and living expenses for two years. Not because my parents couldn’t afford it, they’re well-off, but because the responsibility got pushed onto me and I became the parent without ever agreeing to it. I stopped spending on myself, dipped into my own savings, paid tuition-related costs, monthly expenses, emergencies, even her debts.
Last year she told me everything I did was the “bare minimum.” On my birthday, all I got was a slice of cake. No card. No note. Nothing. She didn’t even apologize for the “bare minimum” comment until I explicitly told her how hurt I was.
She said she didn’t want my help anymore, but every time something went wrong after that, I was still the one paying.
After she graduated, she stayed with me and I continued covering groceries, restaurants, and daily expenses. Today, I asked to see her credit card with her permission, not to spy, but to understand if she was paying it on time and whether I’d have to cover that too. It was maxed out.
She flipped and said I had no right because she’s “an adult.”
So I’m family when she needs money, but she’s independent when I ask questions. Things blew up. She said cruel things, refused to apologize, and tried to force me to apologize to my mother instead. I told her to leave my house. She left.
Now my family is calling me selfish. I feel awful and guilty for asking her to leave, and I keep wondering if I should’ve just been more patient because I’m older than her. But all she had to do was apologize for the hurtful things she said, and she chose not to.
Am I the asshole?
ESH literally why are you doing any of this? Paying for these things are in no way your responsibility, you’re breaking your own back for people who don’t care about you, so stop being an asshole to yourself.
Your family are assholes for obvious reasons, palming off their own responsibilities on you and then treating you like garbage in return.
NTA
Your parents are TA. why are they setting you and your sister against each other like that, by making you assume all that responsibility and not having your sister be grateful? Your sister is a bit TA but your parents man, why aren’t they paying? why are they making you pay?
Wait, is this for real? How was the responsibility “pushed” onto you? Why were you supporting her all those years? This makes no sense.
NTA. Stop being a doormat. Your family pushes all that responsibility on you because they know you’re just going to take it. They’re not doing it because they think you’re reliable or because they trust you. Responsibility does not get pushed onto you without you saying “Yes” at some point. They know you’ll fold and say “Yes” if they pressure you. People do not respect those that they can use as doormats. In general, you should never be responsible for another adult unless you are willing to play parent for the rest of their lives. If your sister’s account is on your name, close it. Stop giving her money. Stop it. You deserve better.
I N F O: How old are you all?
Regardless, NTA. Send *everyone* an itemised bill/account, listing your “selfishness” over the years, in full.
Then stop seeing them, spend your money on yourself, save it for your future, and live your own life.
Edited for clarity.
OP you’re clearly NTA. It’s not rocket science what’s going on here.
You’re enabling a narcissist which also includes your parents.
My wife and I, just this past year, cut off most of our family members due to bullshit like this. We were tired of people treating us like doormats so enough is enough. This past Christmas was actually our best Christmas we ever had, it was just us and the kids – completely stress free.
You need to distance yourself and stop answering their calls. Let it go to voicemail and focus on yourself. These people we call family, need us more than we need them.
NTA. Her blowing up at you was the catalyst of you kicking her out and it’s the best thing that could have happened if it allows to stop being a doormat for your sister and your parents. Your sister needs to stand on her own two feet. She needs to pay her own way if life from now on. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. You need to take a step back from the parent role you’ve been forced into and finally concentrate on your own life and your own happiness. Going forward, your parents can bail her out if need be so they will be aware of how bad she is at being responsible.
NTA – but why are you allowing your sister (and family) basically use you as an ATM? Even if you’re older, it was never your responsibility to cover your sister’s expenses (tuition, rent/living expenses, debts, etc); yet you CONTINUE to allow them to take advantage of you. You’re an adult, you need to learn that “no” is a complete sentence and practice saying it whenever they request or expect you to cover a bill. Nothing is going to change until you learn to stand up for yourself.
This is an AI story
NTA
You should already know that, unequivocally. Since you dont, you may need to seek psychological help to understand it isnt your role or responsibility to pay for or parent your younger sibling or to allow your family to take advantage of you. You have literally taken tens of thousands of dollars out of your own hard earned money and used it to pay tuition and provide room food etc for a spoiled ungrateful younger sibling. That is way above and beyond what you should have done. And for your sister to be so ungrateful and entitled to tell you the tens of thousands of dollars and everything else you did to put up with her ungrateful ass, was the bare minimum? And for your family to call you selfish?
I would cut them out of my life so fast it would make their head spin. Having no family is better than having family that takes advantage of you and puts no effort towards being kind or doing something special for you. They should be thanking you and singing praises for you.
You’re the AH because you let this go on so long.
It hasn’t been good for either of you. She’s dependent on you financially, something you can’t actually afford if you are cutting back and dipping in savings to do.
Now she’s gotten several years into early adulthood with no money sense.
She’s an able bodied adult that you’ve already sacrificed for to put through a tertiary education. Cut her off financially. NOW.
If she needs to end up in a shelter or going back home to your well off parents to learn financial responsibility, then that’s what’s going to happen.
Stop sacrificing for her, ESPECIALLY when she’s not even respectful towards you about it, let alone grateful.
You continuing to pay her expenses, you are essentially enabling her. The same way you enabled your parents and her by paying for her degree.
You aren’t an AH, but you’re an enabler and a doormat. Why would you keep helping someone who is so selfish, unappreciative, and expects you to be her personal ATM? Your sister is a taker who sees you not only as a sucker, but has no respect for you despite everything you’ve done for her. It’s long past time for the gravy train to stop and your entitled sister to be kicked to the curb!
Stop paying for her.
Period.
Just say “NO”
Give her bare minimum treatment.
She’s feeling entitled because you’ve been enabling her.