Context. My bf works in a pub restaurant. We have been together for 6/7 years (lol) and living together for about 2 1/2 years.
Over the past year my boyfriend Bob has become very close with his manager Dudley. Dudley was not always a manager, they originally worked together as waitrons. Dudley has a very harsh bust your balls type of humor.
At first it was just Bob coming home upset about things Dudley had done at work. Over time though the things I was hearing started upsetting me too because Bob was being treated very unfairly.
They then started playing playstation together quite often, sometimes late after Bob’s shifts. We live in a very small bachelor flat and some nights Bob only gets home around 1am while I am up at 6am for work, so this started affecting me directly. Because of this Bob began pulling back from gaming. He would say it was too late or that he wanted to spend time with me instead.
Dudley’s behavior toward me became uncomfortable. He would mock me, undermine my opinions as Bob’s partner and say things that made me feel inferior. He would encourage Bob to gamble and would ask if the new girl at work was hot while I was literally right there. Because of this my opinion of Dudley dropped significantly.
Since then his behavior has continued and worsened. He regularly says inappropriate things and is rude and passive aggressive toward me, often indirectly but very intentionally. What really concerns me is that he has started using his position as manager to force the friendship. He calls Bob late at night and says that if Bob does not play games with him he will give him bad shifts, knowing Bob and I depend on those shifts for our livelyhood.
If Bob does not answer his calls Dudley gets angry, swears at him and accuses him of ignoring him. He will randomly join Bob’s PlayStation party even when we are having our own time together. At that time I interrupted and said Bob is not available and removed him from the party, Dudley later complained that I was rude and that he does not like me. He calls on date nights knowing it’s our rare time together because Bob’s hours are so opposite to mine.
Recently Bob’s cousin started working at the same pub and has been staying with us a few nights a week. One night the cousin called Bob late from work and thinking it was an emergency I answered. It was Dudley. He was shocked Bob was asleep and I said it was 10.30pm and asked what he expected. The next day Bob was told Dudley was offended and thought I was rude.
It has reached a point where if Bob and I are laughing and enjoying ourselves while they are gaming Dudley goes silent and ignores him. I have tried being nice, involving myself and joking back and nothing changes. I honestly feel like he resents me because Bob prioritises me and considers my feelings. Dudley does have a girlfriend so I do not think it is romantic. It feels more like a power or control issue.
Am I overreacting or is this as messed up as it feels.
NTA but your bf needs to contact dudley’s boss to let him know how he behave as a manager, this is toxic work place 101!
What’s next, bob break up with op or i give you the worst shift ever? If bob give in,it will never end and he might do that to other staff as well!
Did you lol a 6/7 joke?
YTA
is definitely crossing professional lines and it’s weird that he’s taking his work power trip into your actual home
NTA, and this is definitely as messed up as it feels. Bob needs to find another job asap.
Well I’m 20F but have a lot of experience with shitty people and this is my take on it
1) Dudley is very unhappy and wants to fuck you. Most of the guys I’ve met like this who are passive aggressive or mean as shit for no reason, taking jabs at the opposite gender, is because they’d absolutely have sex with you given the chance- some people are just fucking weird like that. That’s one theory, so just take that with salt
2) Dudley seems to be oddly obsessed with your husband and seems to want him all to himself. The things that he is doing is straight up harassment, and the great thing about that? He can lose his job if you take him to court, because harassment and blackmail is ILLEGAL ASFK no matter the situation.
He is either obsessed with you or your husband, there’s no in between.
Dudley is lonely. That’s not an excuse to harrass people and force friendships despite being an insufferable ass person (prob explains why he’s lonely. People don’t fucking like people like that.)
Either way, report his ass to HR and forward all the proof you have.
NTA…Bob needs a new job. He also needs to set some boundaries.
ESH. Dudley obviously sounds like a dick, but you’re not Bob’s Mommy. He needs to stand up for himself, and create boundaries between his professional and personal life.
This is an HR problem
NTA- Dudley sounds extremely insufferable and awful. I feel sorry for Bob because he has to work with him and it’s honestly so messed up that he’s saying all those horrible things towards you as well. Report Dudley and make sure he gets fired because who knows how many others he’s been treating the same way. Also the fact that Dudley has a gf genuinely surprises me, I feel sorry for her lol. Bob sounds like an amazing bf towards you and the fact that he also doesn’t agree with Dudley’s idiotic statements, really says a lot about him. He’s also gotta try and find another job if things don’t get better. Also if I were you, I’d slap the ever loving shit out of Dudley
NTA
Is Dudley the proprietor or just the manager? Because if it’s the latter, the proprietor needs to be informed that his manager is the reason they’re about to lose Bob. Whoever the owner is, this kind of behaviour can have legal ramifications.
I don’t know where you are, but where I live, this sort of stuff would be reportable to a government body. Bob might have grounds for a claim of Dudley creating an unsafe work environment and violating his rights (e.g. to reasonable privacy at home). He could possibly get compensation if forced to leave the job over it.
NTA. This is way over the line, and Bob needs to get a new job. It’s honestly mystifying that he’s still there; the best thing about working in food/beverage service is there’s ALWAYS another job out there. Dudley’s shitty behavior is bleeding over into all aspects of both your lives. Why on earth would he accept that?
I was with you at first but as a fellow gamer (who also plays with my bf) you just casually listed off several hella rude behaviors that would also make me hate you if I were him.
so let me get this straight, you kicked your bf’s friend from the party when he joined you because it was your “own time together”. Why tf didn’t you set the party to private then? Why are YOU the one kicking him if he’s not even your friend? That’s on your bf to do. This whole scenario is pretty fucking egregious on your end.
Sounds to me like there’s two separate issues happening here. 1) You are controlling and overbearing 2) Your bf has no backbone. This results in both you and his friend getting different stories to appease both of you. He tells you how awful his friend is and how he wished he could spend his free time with you, and he tells his friend how awful and overbearing you are and that he wishes he could spend his free time with him.
ESH (except possibly the friend…only because I haven’t heard his side and I don’t really trust what you’re relaying your bf has told you)
Kinda YTA This is between Bob and Dudley. You are not a mind reader, so making assumptions about what’s motivating Dudley is pointless, and taking actions based on your assumptions about what’s driving him is just asinine. If you’re upset about your ‘date time’ being disrupted – then take that up with BOB, the person responsible for honoring your time, not Dudley, *who has ZERO duty to look out for your best interests.* You seem to be putting all the blame on Dudley, when the ‘problem’ person is actually Bob, who is not keeping his work/life conflict from spilling into his relationship.