Context: I live with my grandparents currently alongside my much younger brother, I am 23 while he is only 10. Not employed at the moment due to the fact I am recovering from an injury, a broken wrist, not able to be reset but instead surgically fixed, waiting to get updates on when I can work again. Was working beforehand though and helping pay bills, food, and general fixes around the house, like the plumbing system getting replaced.
So I usually do the chores around the house to try and help out my grandparents, but my little brother is getting older so I suggested that they should start asking him for some of the smaller chores, like dishes and the trash. My grandma was initially on board with the idea from what she was saying, agreeing with me that he should be doing some of those chores. However it gets to about a week later and they still have not asked him to do anything, he gets home and instantly goes on an electronic and that is it. I have been slower on the response to the dishes and trash in hopes they ask him but my grandpa goes and does it for him instead.
The way they tried talking to me about it was my grandpa standing over me while I was looking in the fridge and going, "You got a problem with doing the dishes" and I said, "No I have done them countless times" to which I get the "Bullshit you don’t do anything, name something you did." and no matter what answer I give him it is always, "That doesn’t matter, that isn’t what I am talking about." then goes on to what he is upset about, the fact I was saying my brother should do some chores, because how dare I as an adult say that he should do chores. They treat me like a stranger at times, because I am not just an adult to them, I am his brother, and their grandson, older and grown up, who knows what worked and didn’t work, yet they always act like I have no idea what I am talking about.
I just feel like I am going crazy since I know that he should be doing things around the house instead of just being on the games all day, it isn’t good for him. He has gotten a lot more snobby/entitled because of it and I hate to see him act like that, and the fact they encourage it at my expense is killing me. I care about my grandparents because they have been there when my parents didn’t want to be, but they certainly aren’t happy with the situation, blaming me for them not being able to live their lives, and resenting me for it, they are kind at times, but they just end up using it against me in some way.
So I just wanted to know if I was overstepping by saying that, or if I was in the right to talk with them about it. Also it would be kind if I could get advice on how to better handle these situations in a more constructive way, I just get so overwhelmed when it happens because I don’t expect it, like I was finding something to eat when this all happend, didn’t even get food.
Just my two cents here. Having a broken wrist doesn’t mean you can’t have a job. You are 23 years old and an adult. You need to be employed. You need to support yourself and stop relying on other people.
Your grandparents are frustrated that you aren’t working and want to see you contributing if you are going to be there. Deflecting it to your brother isn’t okay. While I agree, he should have structure and chores, so should you. You are an adult now, and you need to do what adults do and actively be seeking work.
Currently not working, but I was working not long ago, still recovering from the injury, I was employed but was on contract, the recovery was expected to at minimum be more time than the contract had left and was let go. I can barely lift 10 pounds with it, still working on it but there is a lot of issues currently. Also I didn’t say I am not doing/wouldn’t do anything, just that he should do the two easiest chores available, dishes and trash, things I did at his age and I’ll do other things like clean the rooms and floors, lawncare, etc. Tried for disability and unemployement to help make ends meet while I am recovering but no luck so far, doctor denied disability since they were thinking it would be a quicker recovery despite it needing surgery but with the current issues I may need another surgery (extreme pain in an area not associated with the break, but instead where the implant is stabilized at/my forearm). Figured to give more context on that since it depends on how recent the injury is, still in recovery and waiting for a doctor to state it is safe to put the strain on the wrist again since the implant could get messed up.
I get your point. You see something that is not right. But your grandparents see themselves as the parental figures to your brother and you still as a child. That won’t change, no matter how mature you get.
I would step back. Let them handle things. Find a cheap living situation like roommates and once your wrist is healed and you got a job again, move out.
It might by tough on your grantparents, but they will naturally give your brother more chores, because they need the help. Your grandparents will not like this, the lack of help around the house and the loss of financial benefits. But it will keep your brother from growing up spoiled.
If they confront you for your lack of support, you should keep your reasons to yourself. Give answers like: needed my own space/rules, own roof over my head. Help a friend that can’t afford rent and needs a roommate etc. Don’t confront them or make it look like you are doing this to spite them. That would ruin your relationship.
If moving out really isn’t an option in your situation, you could consider getting two jobs when your wrist is healed. Or find some other excuse not to be at the house.
Not sure if this advice will help for your specific situation, because I don’t know you personally. But it seems to me that you being at the house is what is keeping your grandparents in the position to coddle your brother. This is one of those little weird dynamics that can occure in family’s and might have something to do with the major age cap between you and your brother.
I think you are right about that honestly, me being here is letting them coddle him, since they don’t need to ask him, they never have since they have always just asked me. It has been something I have dealt with since they were born, I became the “helper.” expected to be the person who fills in for them, with expectations always growing. It makes sense, but I thought as I took on more responsibility I would be treated with more respect, but I am always treated the same and they just act like I do nothing for them whenever they are upset.
It is pretty expensive in the area, I checked when I was working 12 hour shifts before but was barely making enough to make ends meet in a dangerous part of town. It would take time and likely a second job, but I do think that would help me out as well, but I just would get pretty lonely there so it is just daunting in that aspect as well.
Try looking for a remote job where you can work from home via a computer or something? That could reduce any requirements for lifting things with your hands?
Also, you are the older brother. You should be able to say to your younger brother, “I sure would appreciate it if you could help me dry the dishes (or wash the dishes).” Basically, you can include him in the chores, along with you. Start off that way so he can also learn how to do them.
Do you and your brother hang out and talk? Maybe try doing things with him while you’re home so you both can bond? And ask him to assist you or teach him yourself?
I just don’t know any trustworthy way of finding work like that tbh, if I did I would be on that honestly, it does strain my hand but not nearly bad enough to not work with a keyboard or computer.
I agree that I should be able to tell him that, but they are very protective over him, and he himself is a bit snobby about things like that, like going, “Naw I’m good” when asking for help with the dishes. I did try to include him when he was younger but my grandparents were upset that “I was using him to do the dishes” despite being there with him and putting most of them away myself since he wasn’t tall enough too. I just had him put away silverware and take out the dishes on the bottom row and hand them to me as I went around and put them away in their spots and showing him where if it is a unique cooking utensil (like strainers or measuring cups).
We talk but not as much as we used too, he is absorbed in his phone, barely listening or talking, he does ask me to play games with him every now and then, and I do about every time, but it seems to be all he wants to do to hang out. We used to go out and shoot hoops on a rim my grandpa drilled on the garage for me when I was a kid, but he stopped wanting to go out. He is growing up though, I get that, it’s normal but I am just worried about him and hoping for the best, he just is getting entitled and acting snobby, if he doesn’t get his way he starts cussing loudly, and insulting our grandparents. It is just hard since I know he can be a good kid, he is just choosing not to be since he is getting more benefit from not being good (no punishment).