Am I the ahole? My longterm partner and I are still dating bc we are young but I would consider his mom as my in law at this point. So to give some context my partner and I planned to go to thanksgiving at my families house this year (‘25).
In 2024 I went to my mil house for EVERY holiday, even my birthday. so my partner lets his mom know a few weeks ago we’d be going to my family. then a few days ago she says that’s not happening (we’re 19 btw) I’m upset bc it is unfair but don’t say much, my partner is upset as well. When i leave his home i let him know to talk to her about it, saying she can have the other holidays. she is adamant about thanksgiving, saying it’s their last holiday tg (she’s moving out of state 2 hours away). While i understand that, my partner is also hosting friendsgiving at his house. on wednesday (1 day before thanksgiving) we try to reason with her that why don’t we do her “celebration” on Wednesday as well since it is at her house either way. she does not agree. mind you her thanksgiving consists of the 6 of us sitting at a table and eating for about 20 minutes and nothing else as my partner and his mother do not get along very well. she enjoys making him the butt of her jokes often. So all this just to be at a miserable thanksgiving. please lmk aita?
NTA. You need to set boundaries now with MIL if you really want to stay with your partner, otherwise she will continue to override your decisions in the future. Stick to your plans and don’t let her boss you about!
Use paragraphs
A soft YNTAH. It sounds like your bf’s mom is having a hard time adjusting to his being “an adult”. That breingbsaid it also sounds like without the two of you they’ll only be 4 people. Maybe you should be adult and encourage your bf to have Thanksgiving with his mom and you have it with yours. You guys are still teenagers for god’s sake, it’s not like you’ve been married for years! It’s not such a big deal.
i will be going to my family’s house regardless, wanted him to come to mine as i’ve been to many of his holidays and met his extended family but he has not met mine. whether he comes with me or not is ultimately his decision!
NTA. You’re adults. Unless you live with her, she has no control over you. You made your plans. You gave her reasonable notice and provided a good alternative. She sounds controlling.
Her argument about it being the last one is silly. Two hours is a reasonable overnight for a holiday visit. Though maybe she senses her poor treatment of your partner means you have little reason to go.
If you or your partner live with her, it’s still unreasonable and you may yield just to avoid being kicked out. But now it’s not Thanksgiving, it would be more of a hostage situation.
NTA. Tell your partner that you are going to your family’s this year. He can do what he wants. And stick to it.
NTA. Lucky for you she is not your MIL.
Sounds like this more about control than actually wanting to spend time with her son and his partner. Your first mistake was spending every hoilday and **your birthday** with her in 2024. Now she has unrealistic expectations for future holidays. If you give in again this will be your second mistake because you are setting the precedent that she can control the holidays. You should have Thanksgiving with your family as planned. With or without your boyfriend. This is his mother. Not your monkey not your circus.
You let your mother-in-law know what y’all were doing for Thanksgiving and she said it wasn’t happening. And that is exactly why you should not be going to her house for thanksgiving. She needs to learn that she doesn’t get to bully you and that your adults and get to make your own decisions. So start deciding what you really want to do and don’t worry about what pleases her. Your life will be so much better for nipping this in the bud now and asserting yourself and establishing boundaries
You may be 19, but you’re still never too young to set boundaries with everyone in your circle, and If you don’t set boundaries now, your MIL will run the show throughout your relationship.
I’m speaking from over 20 years of experience with my own MIL.
Once the boundaries are set, they will be upset, and they will blame you for not being able to see your partner. However, if you are both in agreement and on the same page with the boundaries and decisions you set, you will be fine.
You all can respectfully decline and go to your own parents house for Thanksgiving.
Your MIL has had years of holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations with you and your partner.
It’s your turn and your time now.
Besides, why be someplace where you are made to feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable in any way?
NTA. Your BF’s mother needs to respect that you have a family too and, as such, she cannot expect to dominate all holidays and special occasions.
Whether your BF can stand up for himself on this is up to him, not you, so you shouldn’t agonize over his decision, and you should feel free to be with your family as you desire. You’ve offered his mother a reasonable solution but clearly she isn’t willing to work with that and that is not okay on her end.
Your BF is young so this likely is the first time he’s asserting himself on this issue, but he’s not wrong to do it, all things considered. And, living two hours away is not far at all so surely there will be other Thanksgiving dinners together in the future.
She can say “thats not happening” all she wants. She has no control over this, other than to offer to host on a different date. She doesnt have you on a literal leash. You dont have to talk to her again. You have already informed her youre not available for Thanksgiving.
Old enough to date someone long term = old enough to act like an adult.
NTA but dont go arguing with her. Your job is already done. Its not your problem if she is delusional.
You go to your family’s. If he oins you great. If he doesnt it is unlikely he will ever stand up to her and you should ask yourself if thats what you want for your life and for any future potential children. That kind of husband behaviour ends a lot of marriages.
Also, 19 is ALSO old enough for him to ask his doctor for a referral for therapy. Its time he starts taking care of himself and outgrowing his abusive mother. There are people who still act like him when they’re 30 and honestly theres no excuse not to take care of yourself well before then.
I would like to clarify, I WILL be going to my family thanksgiving whether my partner joins me or not!
Here’s the hard reality. You are not married and she is not your MIL. Why are you choosing to spend all of your holidays why her and not your own family? You’re both still teenagers, not joined at the hip. Go to your family for Thanksgiving and, if your BF wants to spend the last holiday his mom will have in her current home, wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.
NTA- why are you going over there for every holiday anyways?
If you’re 19, you and bf have not been together for very long, she’s your bfs mom, not your MIL
Your bf needs to step up with his mother or you’re in for whole lot of unnecessary stress and waste of holidays.