About 2 years ago I started dating my current girlfriend (Andrea). At first, our relationship lasted about 10 months, mostly because I was depressed and stupid and decided to abruptly break up. I regretted this choice, so I tried to fix things, which didn’t work at first. Things didn’t work because after we broke up, my best friend (Liam) introduced me to a friend group where i met her ex bf (Oliver) and all his friends. We got along pretty well and I was also heartbroken af so they were super helpful and kind to me.
I contacted Andrea again, we went out, talked (I apologized for everything) and she pretty much dumped me, mostly because of the circumstances. Everything that had happened affected her really badly and the fact that I became friends with her ex was a huge no no for her. To be honest I deserved it, so I respected her choice and tried to continue with my life.
Alright, so let’s talk a little bit about Liam, Andreas’ ex boyfriend.
Liam was a huge asshole back when he was dating Andrea (about 4 years ago), they had communication problems and it was a blatantly toxic relationship. He was a super negative dude, he hated everyone and everything, so Andrea decided to break up with him, since that relationship was so emotionally demanding and pretty much horrible. The thing is that after they broke up, Liam actually changed. He became a really kind and genuine person. About two weeks after this, Liam started dating his current girlfriend, Mia (I know, that’s super odd). I don’t know much about their relationship but as far as I know it is not toxic. They really love each other.
So, going back, the thing is that I just couldn’t get over Andrea (she is my first love ever, so I think u guys get it), so about like 8 months later I sent her a message. She replied and we started talking again. I told her I missed her and blah blah and the elephant in the room came out: her ex. We talked about that and she told me that the fact that I am friends with him makes her super uncomfortable. I told her that we could come to an agreement, but that I wouldn’t stop talking to him (I made it very clear, multiple times). Why? Because during the time I had no contact with Andrea, I became very close friends with Liam. He is a really nice dude, he really became a huge friend of mine.
Andrea and I started dating and after like a month and a half we officially became a couple again. The Liam thing came out again, she told me it still made her really uncomfortable. I decided to distance myself. In the last 4 months I’ve only seen him once. I still text once in a while with him and that friend group and we sometimes play videogames.
4 days ago Andrea told me that it’s not Liam himself that makes her uncomfortable but it’s the fact that I am comfortable with him and that friend group makes her uncomfortable. She didn’t explicitly say that I should stop talking to them, but that’s what she meant. She says it makes her feel miserable and sad.
What should I do?
Andrea is milking it and still tryi g to punish Liam or she’s messing around with another member If the friend group.. (Oliver?) Either way she doesn’t get to dictate whom you are friends with… period
NTA. You made it clear that you will not end your friendship with Liam. Either she can take it, or leave it. She can’t tell you who you can or can’t hang out with, and it’s not like she’s going to be around him anyways.
SHE is the one who keeps bringing him up.
you can think Liam changed but you don’t seem to know everything that happened between them. To her at least some things are unforgivable. you’re not an asshole yet but you do have to pick a side and it sounds like you pick him. cool, so get a new gf
She is trying to isolate him from his friends and that is not cool at all! You don’t give ultimatums in relationships…that’s like telling someone to walk off the plank! NTA your girlfriend sounds unhinged and I don’t care how much hate I get for my opinion but I don’t see the need to distance yourself from ALL of your friends for your girlfriend! Also, you mixed up the names Oliver and Liam a few times…might wanna correct that. NTA all the same
(quote) where i met her ex bf (Oliver) and all his friends.
(quote) Alright, so let’s talk a little bit about Liam, Andreas’ ex boyfriend. (Liam is his best friend, Oliver ex BF)
respectfully, uh, i’m not sure i did?
“Alright, so let’s talk a little bit about Liam, Andreas’ ex boyfriend.”
“Liam was a huge asshole back when he was dating Andrea (about 4 years ago)”
“The thing is that after they broke up, Liam actually changed”
maybe OP is using pseudonyms and got confused
if someone “decided to abruptly breakup” after almost a year and then became besties with my ex who was “toxic” (perhaps abusive) and wanted to be back together with me? it would be conditional on not being an affiliate of someone who ever treated me that way. in fact i’d just reject them (Andrea did). they got together AFTER that anyway and then she admitted it’s still too much for her
my read is that liam’s friends all saw him treat andrea like shit and that she’s still embarrassed and upset and doesn’t want anyone in her life affiliating with them due to the past. which is her prerogative.
i think they should break up
You need to break up this isnt going to end well. You’re allowed to have the friends you like and she’s allowed to not feel comfortable with that. Really she should have never taken you back knowing you two were friends anyway. You both deserve better than settling for each other.
tYTA
It is not Liam. Is the fact that you wanna be friends with someone that was mean to your gf. If you love her, you should feel disgusted to be around someone that was abusive to her. Also, I think tittle is wrong: I become friends with my gf’s abusive ex, and she has a problem wh it, iAITA?
How would you feel if she befriended idk, your bully from high school?
But, it is odd that having missed her that much you feel so deeply losing your friend. Maybe you are not THAT in love with her. In such a case, I would recommend you to prioritize friendship
As my Daddy would say, “at some point, ya’ gotta’ shit or get off the pot!” How close of friends are you, really? How much do you value your gf? Pick one, but you’re not going to *blend* this group!
This is all very stupid. Sounds like she was hurt pretty badly by one of your close friends.
What are either of you doing? She shouldn’t be dating you if it bothers her, you shouldn’t be seeing her if you think she’s trying to end your friendship with a genuinely good guy or whatever.
Also I don’t trust you as a reliable narrator, but that’s neither here nor there.
This isn’t an AH situation, y’all are just not meant for each other at all.
It is actually appropriate under certain circumstances to ask your partner to choose between yourself and a friend. For example, that person has tried to cheat with either of you, they are disrespectful of the relationship without good reason etc.
It is great Liam has changed and is in a healthy relationship. I will even give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they both brought the worst out in each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that he made her life hell and she does not want to have anything to do with him. I would not want my husband to be friends with someone who treated me badly. This is not something you get to be “nuetral” on; you need to choose between your gf and your friend. You actually have already picked your friend. Just break up. YTA.