I (24 F 270 pounds 5’10F.) And Kay, (22F approx. 300 pounds 5’9.)
Kay and I we were a part of a large friend group. Me and K were not close but we were in the same major.
Our college offered a study abroad. And we had decided to be roommates during the trip.
Our first week we had all students in town square and our teachers gave us the option to either stick with them and look around, or split and go in your own groups to look around. I knew one girl, so I talked with her and she was with a group of 10 or so students. They hadn’t decided where to go but most likely the tour. Kay had come up to me and asked where I was going I said what the group said.
Kay wandered and I was talking to my peer. When the groups split I went with them. An hour later we all met up again, my group, the teachers group, and another very small group of 4 students. In the small group Kay is crying and freaking out. I asked what’s wrong and she loudly said I had left her in the middle of the town center and she got lost, she couldn’t find me in the teachers group and when my group had left she was trying to look for me and couldn’t catch up and got lost. She was pissed I had left her. Another week goes and Kays mood has changed a lot, she’s annoyed and frustrated and I tried to invite her to things but I stopped after she complained; about the “straight people”, the “always partying” “ people think Im fat".
This new girl came into the mix. We ended up wanting to spend all our time together and we ended up with crushes. One morning Kay had said she was going to an all day event, so I said ok and I went with the girl to a museum. We posted our photos online and Kay was so mad she thought I was secluding her because she was fat. I said no she had made a day plan for herself so why would I need to invite her to something when she already had a full other itinerary.
I had started going out more and more with the one girl, going to things by ourselves. I had my locations on in snap chat so Kay had been watching that- Kay had sent a huge snap chat about how I was excluding her and she hated me, about how I was leaving her to go with other people and that as roommates we were supposed to stick together. And that she has anxiety and I was supposed to be her support system (something I did not agree to) and she hated me.
Stuff that I never told her, that made it hard on the trip:
I got complaints from peers about her- She was clingy and would stand so close to people it made them uncomfortable. She had bad smells and they complained a lot about it.
End:I was ghosted/ blocked from the group without anyone hearing my side.
Add: I know some communication was bad, it still was upsetting since I tried inviting her, but she would complain or get upset and talk about weight every time she could. I was trying to enjoy my trip not be a parent.
NTA I believe that some things are what you make of it and instead of finding ways to enjoy herself she spent the whole time hating on you. You did the right thing connecting with new people and you’ll continue to meet new people and make new friends. The people who sided with Kay will eventually see for themselves what pulled you guys apart.
INFO why is who holds weight better relevant to this?
You formed closer bonds on study abroad, and met a romantic partner.
Your original, mutual group of friends have taken her side without consulting you – indicating that they prefer her company to your’s.
Friendships sometimes end. Why is anyone at fault here? She doesn’t like that you didn’t coddle her, and you don’t like that she tried to rely on you beyond your point of comfort. If your original mutual friend group expects coddling, you’d outgrow them eventually.
the holding weight was more for context about each other as people we both are heavier but i’ve had comments about “holding better” and “she doesn’t” so she made it feel like i hated her for her weight when i was almost her same size. since she kept commenting about it :/
NTA, Kay sounds like a basket case.
ESH. The way you tell it you did nothing wrong but I find it very suspicious how much effort you put into explaining how disgusting Kay is to you. You ofc have the right to decide who you hang out with and of you don’t like Kay, you’re better off not hanging out with her. To me, it seems like during this trip Kay realized you don’t like her and made her own conclusions as to why. And is she wrong? You don’t like how fat she is, per your first chapter where you describe her weight. You are disgusted by her body and health issues and even though it is something you cannot just choose not to be disgusted by, she has a right to feel hurt by that and I am 100% sure she knows how you feel even if you never told her. Your main reason for not liking her is that she’s clingy (meaning she likes you more than you like her), and to be clear, I think that’s a perfectly normal reason for not liking someone.
I think just based on how you talk about Kay, she had a reason to go nuclear and complain to your other friends that you are mistreating her as a friend. They made their own conclusions abd ghosted you and yeah, that sucks. I don’t think anywhere in this post it says that your other friends think you are fatphobic, they didn’t explain right? Is it that everyone has blocked you, can’t you even DM anyone to ask what’s going on or do they not answer you?
For what it’s worth, Kay seems like a difficult person to deal with and tbh your other friends might just be trying to keep peace with her by ghosting you without actually thinking you did something wrong. I only voted how I voted because you sharing all these details about Kay’s body that have nothing to do with the situation reads unnecessarily mean. What does her shoe smell have to do with anything?
NTA. It sounds like she excluded herself.
But as a former fat person, here’s what I eventually learned the hard way: friendships that start based on weight are often not true friendships. They are built on insecurity and mutual fear of rejection from thinner people. When I lost weight, I lost friendships. In one case, a friend outright told me she didn’t feel comfortable being around me anymore. Another told me I’d be welcome back once I regained all the weight (this was several years ago, and I have yet to do that. It felt so shitty though, like she was wishing for me to fail). With a couple others, I simply chose to stop hanging out with them because I couldn’t take the backhanded comments about my weight anymore. At the same time, I was making friendships with other people thanks to our shared common interests— these friendships are so much deeper and feel so much more real than the friendships I had made earlier based on weight. It’s sad, but it’s true.
YTA. You don’t sound like a very kind or caring person. She had asked to go with your group on that initial outing and you left with the others without waiting for her or even letting her know you all were leaving. Of course she was upset. Thats such mean girl behavior. You didn’t forget your roommate existed when you left, you just didn’t care and didn’t really want her to come. You don’t have to be her best friend, but your blatant disgust for her is pretty obvious and its hurtful – so why wouldn’t she feel hurt?
You misread OP’s story in a critical way: Kay did not ask to go with the group in the initial outing. She asked what they were doing, OP told her, and she then wandered off. That doesn’t sound like she made it clear she wanted to go with that group at all. It is not on OP to babysit an adult.
ESH. i agree with the other comment on here that the friends definitely seem to prefer her over you, considering how they’ve cut you off so easily. also, the unnecessary comments about your supposed “friend’s” rotting tooth and smelly feet are weird. i get that your friend seems clingy and annoying, but you’re clearly not as innocent as you’re making yourself out to be in this post.
>are part of a large friend group
I’ll let myself out.
NTA. You’d think this stopped after middle school
So you went on a general trip and agreed to room with an acquaintance… she unilaterally appointed you her full time Emotional Support Person… spat the dummy when you refused to follow the script you hadn’t agreed to… decided your reason was fat phobia despite the two of you having similar builds… badmouthed you to the rest of the group… who all sided with her.
NTA. You need to hang out with better people.