Recently, I had a baby and used a common family name as a middle name. My brother found out we used the name as a middle name and is angry. For context, they wanted to use this name for their child if they had an additional child but decided they didn’t want to keep trying after many years of failed fertility help. Also the name is my father and brother’s name. It is also my cousin’s name, and my grandfather’s name. It goes back generations.
For our first kid, we asked if it was okay to use this name as the middle name and gave them the chance to veto it in case they had a second child. This was back when they were still trying and we wanted to be considerate. They said they wanted us to veto it just in case they had another kid. This is a boy name but could go for either gender. Our first was a girl. Their kid was also a girl.
Years after they decided they were not going to have another child, we get pregnant with our second. We were thrilled as we didn’t know we would be able to have another as I had finished cancer treatment a year prior. When we told them we were pregnant, they said congrats but were visibly upset. I understand the pain of not having a second child and your life not going as you wanted it to go but it felt bad seeing that they were upset about the fact that they were getting another niece or nephew.
We found out that we were having a boy and they knew it as well as they found out over a zoom gender reveal.
Not once throughout my entire pregnancy did they ask how I was doing or how the baby was doing. They never asked what we were going to name the baby and frankly avoided us and have been ever since he was born. We weren’t keeping the name a secret by any means and had openly talked about having two middle names with people who had asked what we planned on naming the baby. We wanted to use two family names (one from each side). This is his second middle name. My brother has held my son once for about ten minutes total. My sister in law has never touched him.
I’ve already had discussions with them about how sad I am that they are avoiding me and my children and have asked frequently to get together but they never can. We don’t live far apart at all. My daughter misses her cousin and doesn’t understand why they don’t play anymore.
My son is over six months old and my parents wanted to take everyone on a trip. We all signed up and that is how he saw that his name had two middle names. I love my brother and my father so much and I had hoped that he would’ve been happy to hear the name continue but that didn’t happen.
Had they asked once about him during the pregnancy or after he was born or even asked what we were going to name him/did name him, we would have told them. But they didn’t and now they are mad and think we did something wrong. I understand it is his name but is also a very common family name and they knew I loved the name too. I’m heartbroken.
So AITA?
I share my grandmother’s name as a middle name with several of my cousins, and one of their children. I think it’s pretty special to have that connection.
I know it’s got to be incredibly emotional for them. But I don’t think anyone can gatekeep a family name.
NTA – why do some people give the members so much power over usig names in a family…
ETA: Also they are avoiding you because you have what they want and don’t have yet… a second child.
Yup. That’s it.
NTA if not having a second child is that traumatic for them then they need to get therapy. They have no right to get angry with you just because you used a name they might have used for the second kid they didn’t end up having. This is entirely a them problem, not in any way a you problem.
NTA, people who try to gatekeep names are assholes, though.
NTA. It seems like the grief of never having any more kids, and the failed fertility treatments, has really interfered with their relationships. That’s sad, but seemingly very common. Some things, like someone else’s growing family, are just so painful to face. But they seem to have allowed themselves to stay in a victim-minded state, or have allowed their pain to turn into animosity and grudge-holding against you.
It doesn’t really excuse all their behavior nor the long-term shunning / rejection of you and your family. As for the name, they were already so distant and cold towards you, I feel like their discovery of the name just became an excuse for their bad treatment of you, or something to validate that you had somehow wronged them with this pregnancy.
You already loved the name, and out of respect for them and the possibility that they would later use it, you opted not to use it the first time, and you only used it once it was clear they woudln’t be having more kids. And, in case it has to be said, no one owns a name, especially a common family name. If they have three more kids they could use the name for all three of them, you haven’t stolen anything.
My aunt, cousin and I all share a middle name. There’s no reason they couldn’t still use it as a first or a middle (should they change their mind.)
NTA and I’m sorry they’re being awful.
NTA. It’s a family name, not their name. They had months to speak up if they were seriously concerned and they elected not to. And, even if they had, you still have the right to use that name because it’s not their name. It is a family name.
NTA. No one has “rights” to a name.
My wife and I got minor heat for picking my grandmother’s name for our second child. Our response was that she was the 10th grandchild and fifth granddaughter. They had their chance.
Wait, what? We’re talking about your brother’s *own name* (as well as that of your father, grandfather, and a cousin), but now that it’s his nephew’s middle name, it’s ruined for his potential son? Somebody make that one make sense, please.
NTA unless I’ve misunderstood something, because that is just so weird to be upset about.
NTA I have a cousin who has a step daughter they definitely aren’t that close to each other, but both ended up pregnant within a few month of each other their sons’ names are Craig Christopher and Christopher Craig. repeating names in families happen all the time.
they need to grow up
You can’t call dibs on a name. Especially when it’s already been decided you won’t have a reason for that name to begin with.
Let me guess, he’s the golden child?
NTA.
NTA for using the name. Close to being AH for overthinking and engaging in unnecessary drama. Let this shit go!
NTA. Your brother is upset that a name that is in use by others in your family is now your son’s middle name, because he wanted to use that as the first name of his non-existent son? He’s not thinking rationally. Even if he HAD a son, even if you had used that name as your son’s first name, so what? At once time, in my family, we have seven living men with the same first name.
Tell your brother to him watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding.