Hey Reddit. Long time listener, first time caller on a throwaway acct. So, I’m going to try to keep this as vague as the internet requires
I’m (33F) a professional (think a doctor or a lawyer or a dentist…sry vague for anonymity) and my sister (36f) hits me up for freebies all of the time. Free consultations, free product, whatever she can get. Citing essentially that I owe it to her because I was in school for so long to be a professional and she was home helping the family and the fact that our mom helped me pay for some of school and offers me a lower rent in a house that our Mom and stepdad own (not free at all, but lower than she charged last tenant as I’m currently out of work with an injury sustained on the job and recovering from spine surgery. This has almost made it worse because I’m not doing anything else, right? :/ I digress…)
Well, she did something that I would allow no paying client to do and remain my client and it was with blatant disregard for my professional license and I brought it up via text in a group chat with her manager giving them my notice of termination of service due to lack of trust between parties and compliance of client and 30 days to find a new professional with recommendations of folks in the area.
All of this means I stopped providing these services free of charge, sent her an invoice to say this is what you owe me if you want to continue and I’m terminating relationship and I give her 60 days to pay it and she flipped over it. I asked to be paid for my time and my effort and she nit only said no she was offended? Also, she became very irate when I told her something important in a text message that was missed because it went unread by her since she was upset with me about the invoice and everything. The message was seen and acknowledged by the manager. However, she is dead set it continues to be all my fault.
Is she in the right that I owe this to my family if for nothing else to keep the peace ? We are close as a nuclear family I suppose but, it’s been rocky since we were kids- she and our mom have always been a “unit” while me and our dad were always closer. AITA?
****ETA*****
I left the above the same just for continuity but I apologize for not being more clear with attempts at anonymity. I see that I won’t be able to maintain that for everyone to understand the situation. So, to clarify:
– I’m a veterinarian.
– My sister is in charge of the care of animals. She does well and is knowledgeable and cares most of the time but thinks her experience holds more than my degree and that my care instructions are “suggestions” if they don’t help the bottom line.
– I told her previously that I would need to be paid next time I did anything. The amount of work and effort she needed was just too much. That was within that same group chat- we use that to keep written instructions and so I can go back to specific dates and times if I’m not near computer.
– I have to provide a written termination which legally can be letter/email/text. For this reason, and the fact text is our most used form of communication, was why I sent via text. Thank you all for pointing out that is not as common or normal as I thought.
– The charges I provided had been put into the computer system that helps manager her business, I notified in the group chat I added charges and next time they would be used. She did not see this because as she said “you say too much in the first place I don’t know what’s actually important how was I supposed to see that?” (I say “too much” about how and why animals should be cared for in certain ways that can be labor intensive and costly)
– She didn’t follow protocols for quarantine, blatantly. Nothing bad has happened (yet) which she uses as she was right and I was wrong so she will continue not to follow that protocol
All of this compounds when she paints the animals as “family” members too – which preys on my feelings of obligation to continue to help but it’s a liability. Ultimately, I don’t think I really deep down care if she pays it (though the disrespect sucks from family) and would write it all off if it meant she would stop using me in this way.
I apologize again for the lack of clarity in the original post and hope this info helps. Yalls comments do help me review what I could have done better and I appreciate the feedback
NTA.
Your sister used your professional skills for free, crossed a line that could risk your license, and then got mad when you finally set boundaries.
You don’t “owe” family free labor. She’s just upset the freebies stopped. You did nothing wrong.
INFO: You wrote:
>I brought it up via text in a group chat with her manager giving them my notice of termination of service due to lack of trust between parties and compliance of client and 30 days to find a new professional with recommendations of folks in the area.
Were you providing professional services to her employer without a contract?
Your second paragraph is confusing.
This whole post is confusing. I get wanting to be vague for the sake of anonymity, but this is vague to the point that none of it makes sense.
Esthetician? NTA but I would just tell her you are unable to offer free services to her anymore. The invoice is a bit much.
YTA. That is not a thing for a group chat and sending an post-service invoice with no prior agreement of pay is unprofessional. Without knowing what she did, all I have is your actions.
The business she has involves animals. We keep communications written between 3 for continuity of care and ability to reference back. I was taught it was more important to have things written down. She risked the health of the animals in favor of profit and not best care. I did not retroactively charge, I figured those services were lost but I had told her previously I wasn’t working for free the next time and this was the next time.
You’re right though, not everyone is the same on messaging and I should have been more professionals and called an in person meeting. Also, I apologize, I think my wording in the post is not as clear as it could be? Thank you for your insight.
She can’t do things that violate your license. Even if it’s for free based work. Probono or whatever it’s called.
NTA it’s a little hard with the intentional vagueness to full understand the situation, but you always deserve to get paid something for your time, and you do not have to do work for anyone who disregards your license and the rules regarding it. She broke the boundary, there are consequences. If she’s mad, let her be mad, this is all her doing.
Not sure how to answer. I understand you wanting to be anonymous but the post as it is written is hard to follow. Especially the second paragraph.
ESH
If there’s no payment discussed and it’s an ongoing relationship, it’s bad business practice to just send someone an invoice. Unless you have a written agreement or contract for service, good luck. Especially with a history of purely pro bono.
I personally would let that invoice go and sever the working relationship all together. You’re allowed to do that as a business owner and can deny working with someone.
Your sister is an AH too for considering profit over the well-being of the animals. This suggests to me this is a non reputable pet store where you’ve been providing free care while these pets are for sale. She’s also an AH for putting your license at risk.
Only ta b/c you did this in a text message? Not at all professional.
Um, what kind of “professional” writes this badly?
ESH
1. Yes, she’s taking advantage of you. Tell her that you can no longer do this for her, period. Don’t ask her to pay, just “I’ve realized it doesn’t work to do this for family, I have to stop.”
2. Why on earth did you copy her \*manager\*? What the even? If she’s using your freebies for work, it’s still between you and her. If you’re hoping the manager will pay for your work, let that go. They won’t pay for the past work, and future work – you’re not going to do for family. Really – mixing business and family is a BAD idea. But you should \*NEVER\* contact her manager! Wow. Just… wow.
Whatever is ‘owed’ in the family is owed by your parents to the children, not between the children. It does seem like you have gotten money and opportunities she hasn’t, like help with school. Talk to your dad and say that you appreciate all that he and your mom have done, and you hope he’s supported your sister as much as he has you.