This involves two of my friends, who are partners, both M23. I will call them Mark and Joe. I have always been closer to Joe but both are very important to me. I do not have much of a family. I’ve never really had many friends that were good to me. Mark and Joe were the first real chosen family members of mine and they have treated me like a younger sibling.
Both Joe and I are chronically ill. Over time we have had other people drift in and out of the friend group, but eventually someone has crossed a boundary. Mark and Joe have not necessarily ever ‘’made me” stop being friends with someone, I just sometimes feel like I am persuaded a little bit into thinking that people are more ill intended than they are. At the end of the day, I could always refuse, and I don’t. It has been a big deal to lose every other friend I’ve made and I sometimes feel like it is always left up to me to sever the relationship and communicate with whatever person, even when i felt like I wanted to give people another chance.
Ever since I met my boyfriend, Mark and Joe have been so off. I have always been quite outgoing in helping my friends. For example, when Joe got sick I stayed in his spare room for a week to care for him. I’ve never really felt like the level of care I show is received. So when I met my partner, i definitely did take a small step back with giving it my all, it was just a bit much.
Life has been intense lately. I’m quite mentally unwell atm and just had to leave a job that was burning me out so hard I was vomiting blood. Whenever I get the chance, I have made the effort to check in. In the last year and a half we have all hung out once. No one has checked on me. No one has replied to me unless it is to vent and then disappear for 2 months.
Last year, I forgot to message both for their birthdays. When I forgot Mark’s, Joe messaged me to remind me to apologise and I did immediately. Then when Joes came around, I forgot again as life had been a nightmare. I sent a really big apology about a week later. Nothing. Have not heard anything at all since. It was my birthday and my partner posted it on his instagram story. They viewed the story and said nothing. Not even a like. Just pretending I don’t exist.
I reached out to Dean recently and he mentioned that Mark and Joe unfollowed him with no explanation. I haven’t been unfollowed, but I’ve been taken off things and they’re obviously cold towards me. I just wish they were able to communicate instead of throwing relationships in the trash. It’s made me think about things said to me. Maybe they haven’t actually been so kind to me? Maybe my standards are just low?
Basically, Marks birthday is coming up and I don’t know if it’s worth reaching out. I know if I don’t there is no chance they’ll talk to me again. I really feel like I need to give examples of things I’ve thought about, but this is way too long already and I want opinions without boring people. Feel free to ask any questions for more context.
dude, i get it’s tough, but if they’ve ghosted you that hard, maybe just skip the birthday wish and let them figure it out. life’s too short for one-sided friendships.
NTA, I would say to avoid them, but…. thats what they alreay do to you anf you are lucky for that, easier to “unfriend” them. GL mate 🙂
NTA. They’re not your friends. Friends reciprocate. Friends care enough to reach out when someone is struggling. Cut them out and find better people, your life will be better for it.
I do appreciate this and I understand for sure, im just kind of worried that I am being hypocritical. I have not been great at replying either, I don’t see things for ages and then kind of start things off with ‘I’m so sorry things are super crazy right now but..’ and I just worry that im blowing them off. I mean I hear lots from them and I don’t get asked a lot, but at the same time I know things are crazy for them and I guess I can’t expect alot when I can’t give much at all. I don’t know. I think i agree and I don’t want to send the message but for sure some reflecting to be done maybe
Maybe it’s because your interactions with them give you anxiety and you subconsciously delaying those interactions. Then you start making excuses because you know they will react negatively and blame you for it. It’s a carrot and stick method on their part and your nervous system is trying to protect you.
So far your relationship with them seem like a one way or at least very conditional. Now that you have another close person in your life they can’t control you as easily as before. Now you start to realise how disposable you are to them.
NTA, they’ve been isolating you for years and are just mad they can’t control you anymore.
Can I ask what you mean? As in what seems controlling to you?
Lets look closely at things. You were 16 and they were 19 when you met. That’s a little off since most 19 year olds don’t have a lot in common with a sophomore in high school. They then influenced you to cut off contact with everyone else you considered a friend. You say they didn’t push you but lets face it, talking bad about them and making comments to someone impressionable is going to influence you since they’re coming from your ‘best friends’. When you got a boyfriend and no longer was so dependent on them, they got cool and withdrew from you.
Now they’re basically ghosting you. They were controlling you mentally and emotionally. You have your own life. Live it, not theirs.
NTA. Forgetting a birthday while dealing with serious burnout and health issues is human. Ghosting someone for months and ignoring their birthday in return isn’t. If a 4-year friendship can’t survive a missed birthday and an apology, it was already hanging by a thread. Friendships need communication, not silent punishment.
NTA these people are not interested in having a proper friendship with you. It sounds like it’s a bridge that’s already burned anyway.
NAH. Do whatever you want to do. Texting “Happy Birthday” to someone is such low-level effort, that these sort of long and tortured ruminations about forgetting and/or missing them, apologizing, being ghosted, and the like strike me as so much effort about something that is, at best, symbolic.
You showed your care and commitment to your friends by staying and caring for them when they were ill. by reaching out and organizing hanging out, and by doing things together. The amount of energy being expended on a birthday text, by comparison, is much ado about nothing.