There has been numerous conversations and fights over what my twin boys names will be. Me and my husband both agreed that they will have Mexican names due to their last name being Mexican and honestly I just like the way it sounds and it flows better. My family (White) isn’t too happy about the names we chose. My husbands family (Mexican) doesn’t really care what we name the kids. One of the babies middle name will be my father in-laws name solely because we like the name (my husband wishes it was his name instead of the one he was given at birth). Me and my husband have thought of ways to make my dad’s name sound Spanish/ variations of it in Spanish and still don’t like the way it sounds. So we decided that we would pick completely random names that we both like. Well now I am 7 months pregnant about to pop at anytime and my family has been arguing non stop about the names. They said that they do not feel included in our lives and that feeling are hurt since we don’t want to name the other one after my father. They are aware that we just don’t like the way it sounds. But they still say that it is disrespectful and will not be calling our children by the names that we chose but will come up with something else to call them. Do I just cave and name one of my kids something I don’t like? Or get rid of my father in laws name? We have already told everyone what the babies names will be so it makes it even more complicated on changing them. I feel stressed and me and my husband just don’t know what else to do. AITAH if I keep the names how they are and disregard the conversations my parents have had with me?
Honestly I’d go NC or at least LC with my family if they referred to my babies as different names than why we’d chosen. It sucks they are reacting this way, it sucks your father’s name doesn’t fit in with the rest of the names but it just is what it is. When it comes down to it, your husband & sons are your nuclear family and your relatives are not.
As someone who is mixed race, it’s really cool you’re embracing your SO’s heritage and culture too!
You should keep the names you like because these are your kids and it’s your decision. People are going to give you their opinions on your kids for the rest of your life and you are the ones who will have to live with what you actually decide to do. Your family is already crossing boundaries by saying they will not use the names you are planning to give, they are being jerks and I think you should stand your ground now so they know they can’t bully you on anything else when it comes to your kids.
In this day and age I’d be making those boys names like Bob or Johnathan…now that ice is just walking into schools. I’m sorry if I gave you anxiety. It gives me anxiety.
NTA. Sounds like your white family has some sort of underlying problem if they are going to call them something else if you go ahead with these names. THEY feel disrespected?? How about your husband’s family and then ultimately your children?? If I were your future kids, I’d feel disrespected. It’s giving me, me & me.
You are 7 months, this is not what you need to be worrying about right now, I’m sorry this is happening to you. When you have your beautiful children, you will know who your true allies are
NAH use whatever names you want but yeah if you honor one side and not the other in both actual name and language, others can infer that they are not preferred. Your parents should call your children whatever you name them but in the future, don’t share your choices until they’re finalized unless you are open to input. Ultimately I’m going NAH because the way you’ve handled this just reiterates to your side that they don’t matter, and it’s understandable that they’d be hurt by that
You say ‘We will be naming our children what we choose. You will respect that and call them by the names we choose, or you are welcome to have no relationship with them’. That’s it. Ball is in their court.
Ya know, I would feel disrespected too. Later on in your life I think you’re going to be sorry that you didn’t honor your dad as well. I know it sounds trivial now, but believe me, later on you will say to yourself why did I do that? Either both, or change the names. Figure out a way to make your dad’s name Hispanic. There is always a way. Look up the meaning. Google it. Trust me.
NTA. BUT there will be blowback that will hurt your relationship with your parents.
1. If they actually do start calling your children by different names, you will have to shut that down – very disrespectful and VERY confusing for your kids! You might have to tell them to use the right name or not see your kids. Hard.
2. Your parents do have a point. You have given their grandchildren first AND middle names that exclude them and their culture. Do you want them to have a good relationship with the children? Unlikely after this.
I suggest that you DO give one of your sons your father, or grandfather (father’s father)’ name as your son’s middle name. It will not flow as well in Spanish, but you will be mostly using their first name anyhow.
Your kids so your choice. As a father, I would be hurt though with you using your father in laws name and not mine. I wouldn’t say anything but would be hurt and would carry that for the rest of the relationship. I would feel like you care more about your father in law than myself. Again I wouldn’t say anything but how could I not be hurt.
NTA but with one big caveat, yes they’re your kids and you are more than welcome to call them whatever you want. **BUT** you need to understand or be conscious of the fact that as much as you’re trying to write it off as just don’t liking how your father‘s name sounds with your husband‘s last name I can completely see where in your family‘s POV my feelings would be hurt that you’re choosing to name one your child after your father-in-law, but won’t even consider your father‘s name. From the outside looking in it would seem to me (without all of this background information) that either you don’t like your father or you’re closer to your in-laws than you are to your own family and yeah, that’s gonna hurt feelings no matter how you try to reframe it and you need to be conscious of that.
They are more than welcome to have their feelings and share those feelings, but they do not get to rename your children or try to control what you as a fully functioning adult call your children, if you choose to continue with your plan I would make it very clear that what you chose is your children’s names and if your family cannot respect that they are not gonna have to access to your children until they learn to respect to both you and your husband’s choices because that’s as disrespectful as they’re accusing you of being if not more.
Honors are bestowed, not demanded.
NTA. They got to name their kids. You get to name yours. If they stop behaving so entitled and focus on being amazing grandparents, maybe their grandsons will be inspired to honor them with a namesake someday. Maybe not; no one is owed a namesake.
Meh, do what you want, but good luck. Personally, I think it will breed favoritism.
NTA, but you’ve handled this poorly imo.
They’re your babies, so at the end of the day, it should be you and your husband naming them. However, now that you’ve involved both sides of the family, I think it’s only fair to find a way to incorporate your dad’s name, or some type of representation for your side.
I know you’ve already workshopped name possibilities for your family’s side, but I would encourage you to try again. Scour baby name list, think outside the box. Another possibility is giving the boys two middle names (very traditional Mexican btw) one that represents your side and one that represents hubbys side.
Fwiw, I RARELY ever use my kids middle names, so it isn’t the end of the world if they don’t “flow”
This is going to cause lifelong heartache, possibly for your children’s lives. While I don’t think you are an asshole, I think you need to reconsider.
Like you, my ex and his family are Mexican, I am glow in the dark white. First, extremely often parents change their mind on a name once they see their baby. Deciding a different name is extremely common. With our first we had a name picked and then when we met him we knew it didn’t suit and he was Baby Boy for 3 weeks until we opened a random page of a name book and there it was. We named our second son the name we had originally thought of for our first. It suits him perfectly. We changed our 3rd son’s name at 3 weeks old. And it wasn’t until our 4th son that we chose a Mexican name, and really, I insisted.
My concern for your sons is that you will be starting their lives off with conflict and difficulty. As they are the same age there will be comparisons and they will be aware of any differences in treatment. Your in laws may feel more bonded to the child that bears their name. Your family may feel less connected to him or less connected to both of your sons. You will not be the ones to suffer, your boys will. And it’s something very easily avoided.
My advice to you would be to not use you FIL name. Perhaps choose a similar name. Likewise, use a name similar to your father’s for the other son. Or forgo both and perhaps consider using your maiden name as both of their middle names, which is a common Mexican tradition. Your sons will both still have your FIL name as their surname, your family name as their middle names. Perhaps consider using your FIL name for a future son when it’s not a “firstborn” issue. Ideally, you want both of your sons to be equally cherished by the full family and community. Part of your responsibility is to choose a name that makes life less difficult for your sons. You love the way you FIL name sounds, you still get to use it and hear it. Your sons will be calling it to him for decades.
There was no way I was going to use a name from my family. My ex and I decided the best course was to tell everyone we had decided not to use a name that was already in use on either side of our family and then we used my maiden name as the middle name for all 4. This had the effect of bonding them closely together. They viewed themselves as being part of some very special team, apart from the rest of the family. When they were young they always watched out for each other, never tattled, protected one another. Now that they are grown they are exceptionally close. Closer to one another than any of their friends are to their siblings. My oldest and his wife had a son and likewise, they used her maiden name as his middle name. It is something that has worked well for our family.
Yes. It is your decision. Your responsibility. But it is something that goes beyond what you like the sound of. It’s something that can have long-term consequences on how people in both your families treat your sons. I think we all would like to think that we and everyone around us are mature and pragmatic but reality is otherwise. I’d hate for one of your sons to feel less loved and be able to see it easily by comparison to his same aged brother.
Congratulations and best wishes for an easy delivery