I (38F) have been with my partner (M32) for nearly 2 years. We both left 10+ year relationships before meeting. His family initially welcomed me, especially his older brother (M41). When I first met him and his long term partner of 12+ years (F42), I sensed tension. The partner was controlling and negative, he was the opposite. I told my partner that something was off, but he reassured me.
Context: the older brother, younger sister (F26), and his partner were heavy leaf users (high THC). The sister experienced drug-induced psychosis after she was mixing heavy leaf use, partying, anorexia (BMI under 15), a breakup, and corrective surgery. She was committed, but the older brother bailed her out so that she could retrieve her leaf from the mail, he then tried to recommit her. Around the same time, the brother entered his own psychotic episode and ended his relationship. He moved back home. It lasted for 3 months for the both of them.
During this time, my partner and I helped his parents a lot at their home. His older brother started singling me out. Compared me favourably to my partner’s ex, calling me "old fashioned" and praising me for helping. He would eat the food I brought for everyone, tried to pay me for it, then tried gifting me jewellery because I would refuse. He later asked my partner if he could take me on a spa day. I declined. On Christmas, he wanted to go on a walk alone, I refused.
Things escalated around my partner’s birthday. His brother insisted on organising meat smoking, drove erratically to our house, so I drove to the butcher. I ended up paying for the shopping haul and lunch. At the party, I did everything and we ended up leaving because the brother made the day about himself. As we were leaving, he blocked our exit and forced a necklace on me. I took off and he tried to give me matching earrings. I sped off. Made my partner return it.
My partner confronted his brother and the brother denied everything, blamed me and said that I owed him an apology for suggesting he was a predator. Since then, the parents have sided with the brother and the sister is going around saying I "destroyed the family". His mother in the group chat stated that he asked me out to dinner and I need to get over myself. Did personal attacks about my appearance in front of everyone at Christmas and was cold to me on my partners birthday because he refused to celebrate with them. We have been distancing ourselves since. The family blames me for that.
There is a pattern of behaviour from him like this where he has lost close friendships with women and their partners as well as both of his sisters friends due to being "creepy".
My partner continues to support me and demands accountability from his brother, but I constantly feel like I have to defend myself and managing fallout alone. I suggested open communication, yet I feel my boundaries are repeatedly pushed and I’m being gaslit.
Am I in the wrong? AITAH?
I don’t think I understand.
You want to know if you’re an AH for an ignoring your in-laws?
If you’ve got a problem with the BIL, why are you asking about the parents??
I feel like I have missed something and that maybe I am seeing my situation from a different perspective. I feel like their reaction could be valid and I am either overreacting or missed a point.
If you don’t know, and we only know what you tell us, then how are we supposed to know??
That’s why I am asking….
Why are you spending ANY time with these wackos?
I am applying a healthy dose of distance to them. My partner wants a relationship with his family.
The painful part is, they truly don’t see how their behaviour is a problem.
NTA. You sure you wanna stay with this man who comes with this family?
He is very different and separate from them but the unfortunate part is that he still wants a relationship with his family – mainly his parents.
Just be clear and honest with yourself what you are signing up for. May be worth it, but make sure it is.