My best friend (Ethan) has had a crush for a girl called Emily ever since last year. He knew she didn’t like him back, and a couple months ago he told her about his feelings and she gently rejected him. They are still good friends to this day.
Ethan, as well as Emily’s best friend, have been pushing us to have a relationship for a couple months now. He has told me many times he thinks we would be good together and told me that she might have feelings for me (because that friend told him).
I told him I wouldn’t be willing to be with her because he’s had a crush on her for so long (and even though she rejected him he’s still in love with her), but he told me he would feel terrible if we weren’t together, because then he would be stopping us from having a happy relationship.
However, once we actually got together, he started being very upset, but he wouldn’t confide in me because it’s related to us and he didn’t want to make me feel bad. I have witnessed his mental health decline rapidly and am very concerned. I told my other friends we were dating and almost every guy I told this had ridiculed me for being with her instead of being happy for us.
Am I the Asshole?
NTA
She chose to be wiht you, not him
He needs to take responsibility for his feelings if he’s truly a bro to you
So he virtually pushed you into her arms and now he is sulking?
NTA
NTA, by what you said he suggested it. He needs to have a healthy relationship with his views on the opposite sex and if he’s rejected you find that other fish in the sea.
NTA. He told you he wouls feel bad if you weren’t with her because of him. You discussed it. You didn’t go behind his back. But don’t expect other friends to be happy for you. People mostly side with the hurt person.
In dating, unless its your mate’s ex, he shouldnt have a say.
NTA
It was not fair for Ethan to pretend he was okay with something that he was not okay with. He’s literally a huge part of the reason you’re with Emily in the first place.
Also, I want to be abundantly clear – you’re not bullying Ethan, so *you are not responsible for his mental health*. However, if you’re concerned he may harm himself or someone else, please tell a trusted adult.
NAH
It sounds like your friend is trying to do the objectively “right” think and not declare “dibs” on a girl just because he saw/liked her first.
However, people can’t help but have feelings. Trying to suppress them to do the “right” thing isn’t working for him.
You tried to do the “right” thing by steering clear because of not wanting to hurt your friend. Then after many reassurances it was not only okay, but that other people wanted this for the two of you; you went for it.
However, I have to wonder; did you like Emily and want to be with her before your friends pushed you into her arms or was she pushed on you by your friends and mutuals? Did he actually think you’d make a good couple and be happy together or is he projecting his “dream” relationship onto you’; thinking if he can’t be happy someone should, but then resenting you for having the happiness he wish he could?
If you weren’t really all that interested in her until everyone told you she likes you and how good you’d be together; maybe you’re just trying to people please by being with her (with some added benefits). At which point, maybe you shouldn’t..? Not for Ethan’s sake or because it goes against “bro code”, but because you shouldn’t date her just because other people want you to. There are other girls.
Either way it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. If you reject his crush, Ethan feels guilty that you’re doing it for him and/or feels like the girl he’s infatuated with isn’t “good enough” for you and is offended. If you continue to date his crush, it’s going to continue to hurt him. Either way, your friendship is kinda doomed in its current state if you two can’t talk it out honestly, but he has to be willing to be real with you and himself that it hurts to see her with someone else and figure out why.
NTA
Your friend is though. You don’t give someone your blessings and then immediately pull them away. If he really was your friend, he’d be happy for you and happy for Emily.
NTA
He took his shot and she said no. She isnt forever after his property.
He was right to encourage you to try as its obvious she was interested as she told friends.
Those who are giving you a hard time need to grow up. This isnt HS and you didnt interfere in his shot.
He said he was good with it. Now he really needs to step up and stop wallowing in his head. Maybe recommend he talk to a counselor.
If he truly loves her, he should want her to be happy. He should want her to be with a good man who treats her right and loves her back.
You are not responsible for his mental health. If she wasnt dating you, it would be someone else. And they may not treat her right.
It was never going to be him. She said no. He needs to respect that and get some help moving on mentally.
NAH. You’re allowed to date her if you want, and your friend is allowed to have conflicting feelings about it. Though I don’t agree with saying you’re okay with something if you’re not, perhaps he thought he’d be okay with it but is having difficulty handling it like he thought he would.
I have to wonder though, were you even interested in dating her in the first place? You never once mentioned if you had any feelings for the girl in your post.
“Bro code” isnt real for one the only time it gets brought up is when someone gets butthurt do what and who you want buddy right by you and everyone else but just because he tried doesn’t mean your not allowed to
NTA – my guess? Maybe he pushed you towards her assuming she’d reject you too. He’s sulking now because she didn’t, which means he was the “problem” in his eyes