My F21 best friend F20 and I share a room in an apartment (only saying bc I can’t rlly get away from her) and we’re fighting
She’s well of financially, her parents own and remodeled their 1mil house in wine country California, they pay her rent and sorority dues, her tuition, her study abroad… the only thing she covers is food. For the first year of our friendship, she talked about her family being poor so much I just assumed that they were renting their house and took out loans. She recently told me they were paying everything for the first time.
I’ve taken out an insane amount of loans for rent, food, everything. My dad used to not contribute at all, and my mom just died 2 months ago (never gave me money either) and she had a shit ton of debt that my family has to figure out now. My loans got denied this quarter bc my dad’s credit score was too low, so now he is paying for my stuff through his student loans. This is the most he’s ever spent in such a short amount of time in almost 10 years, so I really need to work at least 20 hours to afford my $1100 rent and food. I have a job that gave me 10 hours now, I just need 10 more.
My best friend got a job bc our mutual friend C worked at a casual fast food place. I asked my best friend to help get me one middle of September, and every time I asked her is she spoke to her boss she would say “I’m too scared to text/talk to him for u, I never see him, I texted him but I know he doesn’t respond to texts and I don’t want to talk to him, I only saw him for a second, etc”. Recently, she told me how she’s going out of town for three weeks next month that she has been training to new people at work.
This truly shocked me, because she knew how much I needed a job and it looks like she’s purposely NOT telling her boss. There was another time when I asked her to help get me a job at another place she worked and she literally told me no bc she needed more hours.
It’s been four months since I last asked her to help me and she has continuously made excuses. (Which for the record, she said YES she would definitely help me) In my college town, I applied to 25 places over the summer, got an interview at 1 (McDonald’s) and they told me they had 375 applications JUST that day. I got to a top school so most people here were valedictorian etc. so the competition is tough. My best friend and I have had CONSTANT conversation where we are like “you just need to have a friend who works there to get you a job”. I even got her in touch with MY friends who had jobs to help her bc I didn’t need one at the time. She has her two jobs only bc she had friends that worked there, she was like me where we both struggled to get an interview.
I broke down crying in front of her because the stress of affording college was so much on my family that I would have to take at least a year off and work to come back and afford it. The ONLY thing she said, was “can you make sure that you ask me about the girl who sublets ur spot because that’s important” and then ended the convo. I brought this up to her and she was like “but if you dropped out it would affect the whole apartment including ME!” Like girl wdym …
I don’t know what to do … because she looks like she’s acting totally selfish. I spoke with her about and she listed all of her excuses, and then told me (after three months) “not to get my hopes up”. I literally told her that I knew to lower my expectations when she didn’t say anything in the first two months. She then accused me of being mad at her and said that she is doing “everything she could”.
What is going on? Why would she act like this?
Just to confirm…did you actually apply to her place of work and then ask her to put in a word for you, or did you just ask her to get you a job?
If it’s the former, NTA…but neither is your friend…it’s within her right to say no. If it’s the latter, yes…YTA…
I applied before I asked her!
Edit:: this place also gets over 300 applications a day, so mine also prob got buried after day one. Almost everyone that works there knew someone who got them a job, or they’ve been there for years.
Okay, well…you’re NTA for ASKING her to help, but you are if you EXPECT her to help you.
I get your POV, but eventually you’ll be on the other side of this equation and understand why it might feel awkward. Also, just throwing this out there, isn’t possible that your friend thinks you wouldn’t be good for some reason? Are you habitually late or flake on things?
I’ve definitely “failed” at getting friends jobs before…just because I like drinking with you doesn’t mean I want to work with you.
Honestly i have thought about this but it just doesnt make sense. She knows that i get top grades in my classes, and my current job LOVES me. I picked up on everything really quick, they said i was personable, ect.
Literally a girl that i barely knew from a short summer thing reached out to me months later because she was the manager and thought id he good for the job.
I’m going to take you at your word, so this tells me that this is a “her problem” that is likely linked to her insecurities. She’s not an asshole for not doing what you wanted her to do (that ask is always optional), but equally I understand why you might expect her too.
Sorry to say, but welcome to the cold reality of life. Even if she was family, you might have gotten the same treatment. Not the way I choose to treat people, but you’re going to drive yourself mad if you hold everyone to your expectations.
My advice: let people do what they’re gonna do. Then decide whether they’re worthy of the title of “friend” in your life.
It doesn’t matter why she acts like this. **She doesn’t owe you a job, OR a reference.**
Go find your own job.
What you SHOULD ask her, and anyone else you know- tell them that you want to be the most qualified best applicant. So tell them to be honest- why WOULDN’T they hire you. You aren’t asking for a referral you’re asking what you need to improve on.
Yes I totally get that but this is basically Chipotle.. they r not hiring the best candidates, almost everyone that works there had a connection
I have more years of experience then her as well.
Also I don’t understand why she would say yes then not. I also don’t understand why she would be so okay with watching me struggle to pay rent, and then say to me “yeah I want to tell my manager u applied but I’m too nervous to even text him”.
She’s 20…she’s probably not super confident in her own position there, let alone secure enough to recommend someone else. Put yourself in her shoes…can you say that you would do what you’re asking her to do?
Honestly yes I would. I would have at least mentioned it to the supervisor in person.
I also wouldn’t want to tell someone that I have to let them down because I’m embarrassed. I really care about her and have gone to a lot of lengths to help her become better.
One thing is that over the summer she needed a subletter, and I made a few posts. I told her she could make some as well because I had been the ONLY one promoting it, and she said “I know but i don’t know how to do it so I’m just going to watch you”. Mind u I was making a Reddit post and commenting on Facebook… which I did show her to do weeks prior, w a copy and paste and everything
Edit: for the record I stopped posting after four months and her not making a single one. She didn’t find a subletter.
YTA. Her having money or family having money have no bearing on it at all. The fact that you think about it having any importance makes you an AH.
That said, maybe she’s not comfortable asking, maybe she doesn’t have enough pull to help you, there could be every employee there asking for their friends. Ultimately she may be embarrassed to admit that. I’ve noticed people say,”I can get you a job somewhere” then when you try it they have a bunch of reasons why not. My best friend knows tons of people and has always said if one of my daughters needs me to put in a word somewhere let him know. He’s not gotten either of them one though.
And the last thing, sometimes for whatever reason we don’t want to endorse someone. You can be friends with someone but not feel they are a good worker or would be a good reflection on yourself. I’ve had friends like that.
Is there any possibility though where she is doing this because she doesn’t think my issues are importsnt enough?
I was so bummed when my mom died and I was struggling more than anything. I really wanted to keep busy, to have a job and relieve my family of the financial burden we were about to bear. I really just wanted her help with this one thing, but when I would talk about my issues w my mom she would make it about her. Like I would be explaining and she would say “I really hope I don’t become an abusive parent and overdose like ur mom. That stuff really only happens my chance”.
I just don’t get it
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum. I’m also sorry your closest friend is totally apathetic to your struggles and stress ❤️🩹
With love, she doesn’t owe you a recommendation, or a job. It’s a kind thing to do, but your friend has said she’s not comfortable doing it. Maybe she doesn’t think you’d be a good fit, or she doesn’t want to annoy the boss, or they just hired someone and adding another employee would jeopardize everyone’s hours.
Either way, I think you need to drop the idea that your friend is holding you back from getting that job, and make a new plan.
I think I’m honestly disappointed that she actually did know how important this was to me and also didn’t say anything, just kept leading me on. She kept saying that she will keep trying to work up the courage.
I’m like hurt bc I’ve been so honest with her about how much this would be mean to me and she has been so dishonest about why she won’t do it.
Okay, you applied to a lot of places, but did you actually apply to *her* workplace or send them your resume? Because you pretty much need to do that for someone to give you a reference, even if it’s a casual one from a current employee you know.