Before I start, I’d like to say my mom has an extensive history of throwing out/ ruining my things accidentally when trying to clean my room (I tell her to stop, but she won’t 🤦♂️) I, (17 M) purchased a blissy 100% mulberry silk pillowcase and it was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever spent 60 bucks on. Anything I want to buy is on me, and any laundry is obviously mine to do as well, which is somewhat out of the ordinary for where I live, (upper class snobsville). So when my mom ravages my room when I’m not home I get very understandably angry. Some example of things (that I can’t remember) she accidentally threw out are as follows,
\- a $100 gift card
\- Specific screws for my monitor arm I was putting together
\- Various fish keeping supplies
\- Documents
Just to name a few. I’d like to preface that I do not live in a dirty space. I keep my room fairly tidy and don’t enjoy living in any type of mess. However, there’s a difference between 17 year old boy clean, and suburban work from mom clean. She never seems to think before doing irrational things such as spraying febreeze right near my open lid fish tanks, or accidentally breaking my legos when trying to move them, etc. now on to the pillow. I get home from school to my mom, we talk a little bit while I’m eating, and then she tells me she cleaned my sheets. I asked, “not the silk pillow right” and she said she did in fact wash and dry the pillow. I walk upstairs to find the silk pillows fibers completely worn, not feeling silky what so ever. These scenarios have started many arguments between us, so I was understandably pissed when she said that and even more pissed when I walked upstairs and saw the damage. I’m no saint, and I definitely have some anger issues, especially when it comes to the things I work hard for. It’s clear she can’t see the difference between me being mad at circumstance, and me being mad at her (Not saying you should ever raise your voice at your mom). Part of why I got so upset was because after i sternly informed my mom she ruined my pillow, she seemed incredibly dismissive, saying she can’t deal with this right now. I know she meant no harm and just wanted to help me out by doing something nice while I was away, but I demanded that she IS going to buy me a new pillowcase, and I was apparently stern enough for her to listen. So am I the asshole for getting mad at my mom for trying to do something nice, given her history of meddling with my stuff?
There is so much “understandably upset” in there that you’ve basically already given yourself carte Blanche for your anger and resulting reactions. “Understandably” is how others should describe your actions, not you.
Onto the main issue: INFO: what’s 17yo teenage boy clean to you?
Clean floors, clean countertops, no dishes/ garbage anywhere, I just have things out, such as papers, loose items, etc that are usually on my countertops or on my closet shelves. She runs my room like an HOA neighborhood and sees most stuff as “clutter”
NTA and when you turn 18 move out if you can and DO NOT give that woman a key. She has control issues that manifest themselves by monitoring your possessions. This is not okay. This is not normal behavior.
Yeah, just because OP admits to not being perfect, that doesn’t justify the mom’s behavior. I understand the mom possibly wanting to help and keep her house clean. But she’s done multiple things that would piss me off. And she should take responsibility for the pillow at least. She could’ve read how to clean it before destroying it. But she didn’t. That’s not OK.
yeah, she sounds a bit passive agressive. she seems to like messing with your things. Like the 3 little pigs, time for the wide wide world. Be very careful with roommates; they can be just as bad.
NTA – my ex used to use bleach on anything that was white. Regardless if it aldo had some kind of color on it. May clothes were ruined to the point that our children would hide clothes and bring them to me to wash. I get that mom is trying to help, but you should explain to her that there are somethings you would prefer she not touch. Be specific. You being angry is normal and if this isn’t the first time, there is definitely a repeat pattern that needs addressed. Is she snooping when she goes into your room? Does she not allow you privacy or is she really this rude? You are old enough to set boundaries and she should understand your desire for them.
She isn’t trying to help. She’s being controlling and snooping.
Oof. NTA, but this might just be the sort of thing you’ll have to put up with until you move out. Some parents just don’t have much in the way of boundaries.
Have you tried finding a middle ground with her between destructive cleaning and no cleaning? Like, with throwing things away, maybe instead she can just leave the trash bag in your room for you to go through and throw away. Or make her a list of things you don’t want her to do when she cleans and hang it on your door right at her eye level; I hate to think that a grown woman might need to be explicitly told not to spray Febreze at containers with animals in them, but maybe she does.
I don’t know, I had the same issue and it pissed me off because of the complete lack of courtesy toward me as a human being. Still didn’t get resolved until I moved out, though.
Yes, every time after an instance like this happens I bring it to her attention as calmly as possible, however I am not perfect and have gotten angry with her at times which I know it’s not good. I get angry because no matter how many times I tell her, and establish boundaries she doesn’t listen and keeps doing it again, despite saying she would work on it. Like this lady doesn’t even knock before entering my room
NTA. Your mom needs to leave your things alone. And given this keep happening, it’s no longer accidental. (How does a grown ass person not know how to wash silk? And if they don’t know how, why not read the label?)
Don’t buy blissy. They are overpriced. You can get very good silk pillowcases at a good momme weight for a lot less money than blissy charges. Juts hunt around a little.
NTA
I’m surprised your fish aren’t dead! My friend’s boyfriend “helpfully” sprayed some kind of chemical near her rabbit’s cage, and it died. That is super dangerous!
NTA, she is DOING IT ON PURPOSE. She knows what she is doing , it’s to get a rise out of you. To control you and play the victim. ? Do you live your dad, stepdad, her BF or just you and her?
My abusive mom often ruins things of mine in order to “give herself plausible deniability/paint herself as just trying to be helpful” meanwji it was 100% intentional
If your mom is so good at being super clean, OP, she’d know to read a laundry care tag or even just by *touching it* that it wasn’t a regular pillowcase
Hell, she’d know not to just throw documents or screws away too
She is doing all of this on purpose and it’s incredibly telling that you having a natural emotional reaction to having your space violated and possessions destroyed, is to reassure us that you’re “not perfect” as if you went on some item smashing, people harming tirade and not raised your voice.
How much of yourself do you have to hide, protect, and justify?