My (43m) wife (40f) just had her birthday on Friday and made it clear she didn’t want any kind of big party or anything. We have 2 kids who are teens/preteens so we just planned to have a dinner to celebrate.
A week ago I asked what she wanted to do for her birthday. She had wanted to go out but then we couldn’t get a reservation (too close to Christmas) so she suggested take out from this bougie Thai place.
I told her honestly that it’s coming up to Christmas and I didn’t think we could afford it.
I had suggested that if she picks something from the store I or the kids would make it and she kind of sulked but didn’t say anything.
When I asked her again she said she “has it under control” and I just thought she wanted to make something herself – she is an amazing cook and always makes amazing birthday dinners.
When I got back from work I noticed she hadn’t started cooking at around 16:30 However at 17:00 pulled the kids into the kitchen, handed them a few boxes of the instant Mac and cheese and told them to get started. They couldn’t work it out so came to me and I helped them make it.
I thought this was a AH move on her part so I asked her later and she said that since no one else seemed to care that she just went what was cheapest and easiest to “match her worth.”
She’s still being cold towards us all.
AITA?
YTA you couldn’t afford to get her dinner on her birthday?? Really???
yta// not because of the boxed mac and cheese itself, but because her birthday clearly mattered to her and you shut down what she wanted without replacing it with anything thoughtful or intentional, then assumed “she has it under control” meant she was fine cooking her own birthday dinner even though she had already shown disappointment; birthdays aren’t about money, they’re about effort, and from her perspective she asked for something special, was told no, wasn’t offered a meaningful alternative, and ended up feeling overlooked in a family where she usually makes everyone else feel celebrated, so while her response was passive-aggressive it came from hurt, and the right move now isn’t to argue about pasta but to acknowledge you dropped the ball, apologize without defensiveness, and make an effort to actually celebrate her.
YTA. Of course you are. She told you what she wanted for dinner for her birthday. You basically told her she wasn’t worth that, that Christmas was more important than her.
Of course she’s pissed. Grovel and buy the damn Thai food.
YTA
YTA. Kinda made no effort to make it special. You could afford to take her out before not being able to make a reservation but can afford takeout? Could have offered another suggestion then her having to shop for her own dinner at the store
Obvious YTA, you couldn’t have put in less effort or done it even worse if you tried. Like you told her she wasn’t worth the price of takeout???
edit: and on her 40th as well???
😦 😦 😦 “the divorce came out of nowhere…”
YTA Dear lord. The bar is literally on the floor.
Just because she likes cooking doesn’t mean she likes doing it for HERSELF. And am I right this was her 40TH?!?! Please dear god say that’s a typo…
Giving herself Kraft on her 40th is a strong message. I hope you’re listening.
Why not buy her the Thai dish she wanted, and the rest of you had the Mac and cheese? When you make zero effort, it stings. You’re the AH.
Her birthday is going to be next to Christmas every goddamn year. How many years have you forgotten until the last minute, and then acted like your hands were tied about making a reservation?
Yta
Way to do nothing. Loser.
YTA.
“I want Thai food”
And then you tell her to GO TO THE STORE AND PICK OUT FOOD AND TELL YOU WHAT TO MAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY DINNER???
This is absolutely “the divorce came out of nowhere” behavior.
YTA. She does a lot for you and your household. Gave you two beautiful chuldren. She goes all out on your birthday and you couldn’t set aside some money for a simple takeaway? Her birthday is the same day every year budget for it.
You made her feel cheap and unloved.
YTA did her birthday date change this year? Surely you know when it is. And you know when Christmas is. You know they’re close together. You couldn’t have saved a couple of dollars per month for a birthday meal?
What did she do for your birthday? Because if it’s not “absolutely nothing apart from make you feel worthless” then you’ve really got to give your head a wobble.
YTA unfortunately. There’s a massive gap between bougie Thai food and store bought, badly prepared mac and cheese. You could’ve made her a late dinner that you cooked and put effort in, with candles and a nice bottle of wine. You could’ve gone for fancy store bought picky bits that would’ve still been much cheaper than takeout. There was zero effort on your side.
Another post to show that there is no „male loneliness epidemic“. In fact, men aren’t nearly lonely enough.
YTA