I (22F) am wondering if I’m the reason my friend group of 3 years completely fell apart.
I had dreamed of doing Erasmus (European exchange program) for years. I convinced my friends "Molly", "Jessica" and "Rachel" to join me.
Before we got there, I was found out I was placed in a dorm on the opposite side of the city from the other three. The first few days they let me stay with them, since I was scared of going to my own dorm, alone.
We had planned months in advance that we’d get to know the city: see the cathedral, walk the city center, and eat a warm street pretzel. One day, while I was buying a router for my room, the other three went downtown to run some errands.
Later that day, I saw them all over Instagram. They went to the center, saw the cathedral, and ate the pretzels, basically fulfilling our group "dream" without me. I felt stabbed in the back. The next day, Jessica came up to me and gave a half-hearted apology: "You probably saw our stories last night, we hope you’re not mad, we just kinda ended up there. The pretzel wasn’t even that good anyway." I pretended it was fine, but I was hurt.
Couple days later, we were all talking about our next trip and how we could take it with some of our other friends who were also doing Erasmus. The next day was the only day they could make it, because after that their classes were starting.
Molly said she couldn’t go because she was waiting for an important package and Jessica said she would hang back with her.
I invited Rachel directly, but all she said was: "I think we’ll stay home. You guys go and we’ll go another time."
We replied: "Okay, we’re likely going tomorrow on the 8:30 AM train. Let us know if you change your minds."
Their final words were, "We’ll let you know."
The next morning came. No texts. No calls. We assumed they weren’t coming and we took the train. We had a great time and sent a photo in a common group chat.
The vibe turned icy after that. A few days later I asked if everything was okay, they blew up at me and said:
"We are upset because you left without warning us."
"We spent days helping you settle in and this is how you pay us back?"
"A simple text would have avoided this."
I was shocked. I told them we discussed it the night before and they never gave a clear answer. I even pointed out that they went to the city center/cathedral without even mentioning it to me, which was in my opinion much worse and and I didn’t even make a fuss about it.
After that, the group was never the same. They started to do everything together (including other trips), and even after we returned home the dynamic was off. I was being actively left out of the group hang outs and I simply got tired of it. I stopped calling or texting. No more happy birthdays after that, also my grandma died a few months back, no one reached out… we just stopped all communication. Could I’ve done something different or was I just the easy target for a group that had already moved on without me?
NTA these people are petty and maybe not your friends.
Move on, have fun, make better friends
Nta. It’s not your fault. They did it knowing you really wanted to, so they’re the ones at fault. You’ll make better friends, ik it
NTA. They did you a favor by showing their true colors. Make your own plans with new, better friends and drop those kids off at the pool. They are not your friends and you’re better off without them. Real friends don’t make you feel bad for their crappy behavior.
Yeah they suck.
What because Molly was waiting for a package to arrive, you’re “not allowed” to go out? Ridiculous! What they did to you was worse because they didn’t even tell you they were going.
NTA and I hope you find better friends!!
the whole ‘we spent days helping you settle in’ thing is such a guilt trip when they literally did the exact same thing to you first and didnt even warn you about it. they wanted you to read their minds about the trip, got mad when you made your own plans, then punished you for months after. thats not friendship, thats them deciding youre the scapegoat.
You get to meet new people. People who speak different languages, from different countries. You have things to show them, things they can teach you. The girls in the dorms together have the people just like themselves to share the same pretzels (a very very sad pretzel it would seem.)
My daughter had a falling out with her college mates because she was staying with a Hungarian family instead of in student housing. It was hard at first, the family didn’t really speak English and she hadn’t studied any Hungarian (she was in Slavic languages). But after a few weeks, she was picking up Hungarian, hanging with the Hungarian students, learning to cook Hungarian food, going on hikes and outings and to circuses with her new friends.
Her university “friends” hung together in their group, spoke English together, ate at American fast food places.
There is no question who had the full rich student abroad experience.
Nta you need more mature friends
NTA. When people tell you who they are, listen!
NTA –
<hugs> Friendships grow and change, and new circumstances are often one of the things that will tell you more about who people REALLY are. Your ex-friends showed you that they did not really value you. That hurts.
Now, you let them go. Not just physically, but mentally. Start making your mind think of them as EX friends. former friends…. it will start to help.
NTA. I would have absolutely done the same as you.
They wanted to stop beinh your friend. The were looking for an excuse
NTA.
OP, I went through a situation similar where my old college roommates treated me like shit. At first I tired to mend things and make sure I didnt do anything to upset them. But then I realized that doing so was worse for my mental and physical health. Drop the toxic people and move forward with your life. They have shown you where you stand to them. Walk away, find your happiness,
and let them be miserable together.