i have a feeling i’m going to get two extremely different responses to this post.
a quick backstory, my mom (45 f) and i ( 18 f) for as long as i can remember hasn’t been the best towards me mentally and emotionally theres lots of childhood trauma but ill just leave it at this, she moved out with her then boyfriend (now husband) when i was 15 and my (technically half) sister (13 f) was 10, and i stayed with my grandfather.
today is my sisters birthday and i’ve been so excited for this day. she’s still in school so we didn’t go over to my moms until the late afternoon for presents and dinner, its important to note that every family celebration ends in an upset. everything had been going well, she loved her gifts, we played some board games until it was time to go to dinner.
even dinner was going well, until right before we where leaving i brought up how one of my neighbours will play loud bass heavy music most afternoons which i find quite frustrating. i didn’t have an attitude or bad tone, was just engaging in a family conversation. my mom, as per usual. responds with "well maybe if you weren’t home all the time, you know, working it wouldn’t bother you." i just finished a short term contract as well as just starting a six month acting course just for something fun and to make some friends while also looking for part time work. anyway, i responded with "well i cant work everyday because i’m studying?"
then that turned into the same argument we keep having ever since i started this course, "how is it going to help you to get a job." "your never going to make money acting." "this is a waste of your time." ect. i’m aware i should’ve just kept my mouth shut, which i had every plan to do however, when my moms husband turned to me and raised his voice saying "i’m going because i’m about to loose my shit." to which my mother had a cheeky grin on her face. my grandfather, mother and sister then came at me for saying i needed to shut uo and stop starting drama on my sister birthday. i’m so confused how me talking about my neighbours music habit ruined my sister birthday till my mom brought up my life which as far as i’m concerned, she had no say over the minute she left me with my retired, elderly grandfather.
i shut my mouth on the way home and said to my sister that i love her but i cant stay for cake, i needed to get out. my mother was once again trying to act like she is the victim in this situation and i needed to get over it. i gave my sister a hug, apologised again and told her i hope she has a good rest of her birthday and went to the car. on the way home i sent her a message which her responses made me feel even worse about what i did.
so reddit aitah for leaving the celebration early and missing her cake to get away from the rest of my family?
You brought up something small in normal conversation and your mom redirected it into criticism of your life. That’s not on you.
It also sounds like there’s a pattern where family events somehow turn into you being the focus of tension. When someone’s partner is saying they’re ‘about to lose it’ and your mom is smirking, that’s not you creating drama, that’s a stressful environment.
And honestly? People take acting classes because they enjoy them. Not everything has to be a direct pipeline to high income to be worthwhile. You’re 18. Exploring interests, building confidence, meeting people, that’s valuable even if it never becomes your career. Enjoying something is a valid reason to do it.
You handled this more maturely than you’re giving yourself credit for. You didn’t escalate, you removed yourself, you told your sister you loved her, and you apologized even though you weren’t the one who shifted the mood. That’s protecting your peace, not ruining a birthday.
Leaving early doesn’t make you an AH. It means you recognized you were overwhelmed and stepped away instead of letting it blow up further.
Be kind to yourself.
I’m so glad this was the first comment. I definitely needed to hear this as this was only a few hours ago and I’ve been beating myself up over it.
I would love to perform as a career pathway but I am aware it’s not easy so I do have backups and other studying I want to do. I can’t thank you enough for your kind words. Thank you
I think a lot of people are critical of someone who follows an unconventional path that doesn’t fit the traditional ‘safe’ path because they’re insecure. They’re too scared to take a chance themselves because they can’t handle uncertainty. They’d rather have a steady job with a paycheck than take a risk.
NTA. Every family has a scapegoat. You just happen to be your families’. It’s a triangulation behavior where families can become closer through their dislike or blame of the other family member. In cases like these, when you’re the chosen one, there is nothing you can do but self protect and understand that is not indicative of you as a person but rather a product of their dysfunction. Love your siblings but protect yourself by lowering your expectations of your mother’s ability or willingness to be a good mother to you. Also, it’s likely that as your sister gets older, she may also experience this behavior from your mother so it will be a good example for her to see you set boundaries in the treatment you accept.
NTA, ur mom is just hating, m sorry. Are u not allowed to talk and have opinions, she just needed to target someone. what a bully
I have a whole bunch of links here that may be helpful for you, especially narcissists scapegoats and grey rock method
https://www.reddit.com/u/Deflated_Hypnotist/s/BOp4Y9uQVh
NTA
But what job could you get starting out that would allow you to make a living in the future? Wouldn’t that be a waste of time.
You need to keep in mind one thing any time this type of thing happens: your mother abandoned her children to go live with her latest sex toy. Is this someone whose opinion you care about or even want in your life? Honestly, you should cut contact with her completely. NTA.
NTA. You need to cut off basically everyone in this story except for your sister. Why keep putting yourself in front of these jackals?
NTA
Maybe stop having contact with your abusive mom?