Okay, here’s the background. My (40F) mom (69F) recently let me know that my brother had reached out to my dad after about 10 years of no contact to invite them to his wedding.
My mom was very excited and I was happy for her. I asked if all of us were invited and she said he was okay if I came.
I asked my mom about the possibility of paying for a plane ticket for me and maybe one of my daughters to go the the wedding.
She responded back that she could pay for me and April(4F).
I thought it was weird that she specified April when I had just said one of the girls. So I called her and asked her about that response. She said that she wanted April to come because April likes to talk to my mom on the phone and she’s so cute.
I said we had decided that if she was okay with paying for one of the girls, that we wanted Bella(3) to come because she’s never been on an airplane before.
My mom responded that she preferred April to come. I told her that it wasn’t okay to say anything like that, especially because my daughters might hear it.
She didn’t see anything wrong with saying that she preferred one of them. I reminded her of how upset she would get when my ex-SIL would consistently bring one of her kids on trips to see family and not her other kid.
I emphasized again that she’s not to say anything like that around my kids. We hung up with me saying that I’ll let her know what I decide about the trip.
When I called her a few days later, I said that the girls were going to stay with my husband while I go. She asked me if everything was okay.
I told her no, I’m still upset by what she said. Her response was that she’s upset that I basically called her a hypocrite. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but said yeah, that does seem hypocritical.
She responded with- can I really blame her if she’s more partial to April instead of Bella. I said yeah, maybe she should put more effort into getting to know Bella since she’s younger and doesn’t communicate as well.
She told me I was making too big a deal out of this.
I hung up on her because growing up I’d always been told I was too sensitive or overreacting. I just didn’t want to talk anymore to someone who can not accept that how I feel is something to be discussed instead of dismissed.
I messaged her that I’m not going to the wedding. A few weeks went by without any communication. Then she started messaging me as if nothing had happened.
I didn’t respond because I wasn’t interested in pretending like everything was fine.
She sent me a message yesterday saying she loves all my girls and to stop ignoring her.
She still doesn’t seem willing to talk about the fact that she said she was partial and preferred one of my kids over the others, as well as feeling like I need to address that I’m not okay with her telling me I overreact.
AITAH for not responding back to my mom’s messages?
Edit: My brother’s wedding was more of a wedding celebration as they were officially married in May. He said that any of the family (including kids) were welcome as long as we RSVP’d within a few days.
Were you or your daughters actually invited to this wedding? Your mum relayed it was okay if you come, but there has been no formal invitation and adding two kids onto that seems a bit presumptuous.
Did she say she prefers A? Or if she would just prefer A to come?
Travelling and going to an event like a wedding is definitely different with a 4 year old than a 3 year old. Would she be expected to do any babysitting during the wedding? Could that have informed her decision?
ESH
Grandma shouldn’t play favorites but neither should you. Leaving A behind, while the rest of the family goes on vacation is just as bad.
4 is plenty old to understand what’s happening, and she’ll be devastated.
The Mom’s initial statement wasnt even a problem. “Id rather sit next to the older, more verbal child who has been on a plane before” uh.. yeah, duh??
Also I have niblings and I love them all equally but I do not love all ages as equally fitting all scenarios. A long plane ride to a wedding seems like a very relevant time to have a preference.
OP’s Mom did eventually admit to a preference but it sounds like not until OP started to lose her mind a little bit, and anyways I dont see anything about loving A more or anything implying the preference wasnt contextual.
Shes paying. She is allowed to have a preference in travel companion. A is an objectively better choice, obviously.
YTA. She’s closer with April at the moment because April can converse with her and Bella can’t. April’s conversations are more engaging whereas conversations with Bella are one sided because she’s three. It’s not that deep. She likely loves them both the same but right now because of conversational skills the older one is more fun to be around. Again, it’s not that deep.
ESH but mostly YTA for 1) inviting a 3 yo to a wedding without checking with the couple first, 2) doing it because she hasn’t been on a plane yet – maybe she’ll hate it, then what?, and 3) doing everything possible to take the clumsy way your mom stated her preference for traveling and attending a wedding with your older child in the worst possible way. No doubt your mom should get to know your youngest better, but not during a stressful travel situation to an event where she will be expected to be well-behaved over a long period of time.
But going back to the most important part: “I asked if all of us were invited and she said he was okay if I came.” If YOU came, singular, so why’d you try and shoehorn a child into it?
100% agree and just wanted to add that if Mom is paying for the tickets she can bring whomever she wants lol
I’m really confused by it being the brother’s wedding but all of this being filtered through the mum – even though his relationship with the parents is strained enough that he’s been no-contact for ten years. Has OP also been no-contact with him?
Adding another point: op asked their mom to pay for the plane tickets, she wasn’t even going to pay herself. She then added she would also be bringing a child which would be a second ticket.
Edit: after reading comments, op apparently has 3 kids! She has taken the eldest and youngest to visit family before, but the 3 year old mentioned is actually the middle child. Op complains about favoritism but clearly shows some for her eldest and youngest. Poor middle child.
YTA for making someone else’s wedding about you. If you cannot afford to go — which in this economy, that’s especially valid — send a card and wish your brother the best. You created an unnecessary amount of drama by asking ti go to a wedding you weren’t invited to, backing out of the wedding you weren’t invited to, and planning to only bring one of your kids in the first place. Bring all or bring none. And don’t beg someone else to foot the bill. You mention having trauma around being called sensitive. Sensitivity is a gift. Use that sensitivity to put yourself in the shoes of others (e.g. your brother and his new wife) instead of manipulating the idea of sensitivity to shut down emotionally.