So, I have a set of childhood girlfriends I’ve known for 10+ years. I’ve been living on the east coast for a while now while they still live at home in the west. There’s been trips to visit me and vice versa- there’s always been communication on who’s staying with who and for how long.
Recently, I got a temporary job opportunity in the same state as them, just a few hours north. We didn’t see each other for the holidays and we still have gifts we needed to exchange so it was proposed that they come visit me for a weekend. That was all that was discussed.
It’s a week before they come, no plans have been talked about to me (they have a separate gc they use when I’m not around to plan things so it doesn’t clog the gc we all use). I ask in the chat what the plans are for the coming week. S replies that they plan to drive and the time they’ll arrive. That’s when I mention my housing doesn’t allow overnight guests, that’s the only rule on the contract because I’m living in fully paid corporate housing with a roommate. In the same message I say I’d help pay for the housing accomodations if they’re looking elsewhere but that I didn’t know what they were planning to do for the nights.
That’s when S (making the most of us all with a 6 figure salary) says she doesn’t have the budget to stay somewhere else and that it feels like I don’t want them to come anymore. She says I should have said something about my housing sooner.
I apologized, took accountability for not saying anything sooner but did when I could (I had forgotten being that I relocoated my entire life, I am unfamiliar with my surroundings etc that I truely did forget to mention it).
But I also think it was unfair to assume that FIVE women could stay with me without asking in a place that isn’t mine. I would have no problem with them staying with me in my own apartment- that’s not the issue. It’s that I legally can’t. I’d be risking my housing AND job.
After S said she couldn’t come, C dropped and it was presumed that T did too (even though she stayed silent and her silence was defeaning). J and I called and we decided together that we would front the housing costs so that everyone could still come (since money was the issue).
We proposed it in the chat. S and C said they didn’t feel comfortable having someone else pay. I practically begged them to still come. (S and J have visited me before when I was broke af and paid for all my meals). I finally have stable income, my affairs are in order; I just wanted to repay the favor and see all my friends again. I haven’t seen them since August even though they still see each other, obviously.
I apologized again. I begged. S puts the blame and responsibility on me. They all decide to go again but I just want an apology.
AITAH
EDIT for clarity: I wanted an apology for the lack of communication on their end too. I just didn’t apprecaite how it all fell on me. Maybe not an apology anymore but an acknowledge of poor communication on both ends.
Yeah, sorry but YTA.
If you have a key piece of information that others cannot reasonably be expected to know, it’s on you to tell them in a timeframe that allows them to act on it. The guest policy of a housing arrangement that has nothing to do with them definitely falls into that category.
As for your comment about S’s salary, you have no idea what other expenses she has, and someone tells you they don’t have the budget for something, they don’t need to mean “I literally could not come up with this amount of money.” Sometimes they mean….I made a budget, and this isn’t in it.
You got what you wanted: they’re all coming. Why do you want an apology now? Just cut your losses and chalk it up to a miscommunication and enjoy your girls weekend. Don’t let this ruin your visit with them.
Edit: I forgot to vote. I may be in the minority here. But, soft YTA.
YTA.
It does sound like you let them assume they were staying with you and only clarified a week before. That’s a big logistical detail to “forget” especially when they’re traveling to see you. You apologized, which is good, but this situation was avoidable, and it makes sense they were frustrated.
YTA – why do you expect an apology? You set the expectations that they would have a place to stay when visiting you. Then your circumstances changed but you don’t tell them?
Same question from me. From what I can tell, they don’t owe you an apology for anything. YOU should be apologizing to them for not communicating the necessary information.
YTA, sorry. You have a long standing tradition of visiting each other and you stay in your friends places and they stay in yours. You did not update the group and discuss/facilitate a place for everyone to stay yet you wanted them to drive to visit you??
You shouldn’t expect an apology for your lack of foresight and communication. What would they be apologizing for exactly?
YTA
YTA
“But I also think it was unfair to assume that FIVE women could stay with me without asking in a place that isn’t mine. I would have no problem with them staying with me in my own apartment- that’s not the issue. It’s that I legally can’t. I’d be risking my housing AND job.”
Why would that be unfair when that’s how you’ve been functioning all these years? As you admit, you didn’t tell them your housing limitations. Why would adults that you trust in your home assume that you would feel they couldn’t be trusted in a home your company provided?
You failed to communicate with them, you take that on the chin, you leave your justifications based on how much money you think people have out of it.
YTA. There’s no reason for them to know/expect that you wouldn’t be able to put them up because of the rules of the place you’re staying. You begged them to come, now they’re coming, but first you want an apology? Why? You got what you wanted! You’re risking blowing everything up again.
YTA
You stuffed up. You can’t beg and then want an apology. You’ll lose them.
Hire a place and all stay together. Have them to your flat for ten minutes to show them but that’s it. Buy great pizza and eat together. Do the movie night with pajamas and popcorn and leave your strange butt hurtedness behind.
YTA. They needed to know things had changed as soon as they stayed planning the trip. This was critical information.
>They all decide to go again but I just want an apology.
I was SO close to judging this E S H with the caveat that you have the lion’s share of asshole blame in this situation (but generally everyone needed to communicate better), and then I read your final line – straight up, YTA.
You KNEW you had a nonstandard situation with your housing that would be different than visits past, and though you’re trying to bend yourself into a pretzel to justify why it’s okay you didn’t say anything until the last minute, you also have to know that this is a pretty big problem you caused.
In any case, you got your way – they’re still coming! But now you want an apology? For what?! Rightly getting upset when you pulled this on them last minute but yet still figuring out a way to come? Get real, please.
YTA.
Your housing situation is information you should’ve disclosed before all these plans were made. How was they suppose to know you was allowed overnight stays.
Why do you want an apology? The miscommunication stems from you not disclosing your current situation
Five people it’s a lot… Where did you think they were going to stay when they typically stay with you?
Yes, YTA for not being clear from the start.
And, I think you might be a little overdramatic saying that you could lose your housing and your job over their visit. There was no indication that they were gonna crash your apartment without your permission… And, I don’t know who you work for, but even corporate housing might have some options if you went and talked to your bosses about it. When I’m traveled to do a job somewhere and put up in temporary housing, it’s normal to have spouses and friends visit you for a weekend.