I was invited a last minute party by a friend, T, last week. I accepted enthusiastically and then agreed when asked to host at my home(for my convenience). T is a longtime friend who historically has an intense friendship style. Y is a mutual friend of ours(we all met at the same time) who they recently reconnected with a few months ago, but who has also been my best friend for years. Y and I were invited by T together via groupchat.
TW: anyway a few days ago, while talking with Y, i found my partner had relapsed in his addiction, had been going great lengths at hiding it from me, and overdosed. i rushed them to emergency thinking they were about to die in front of me(they pulled through and are okay). i was not and still am not in a great mental place. Y was there through it all so they knew what i was going through. other than that i’ve kept it completely under wraps for mine and my partners sake. we are going through something hard and personal and we don’t feel like sharing that with anyone right now. therefore while sleep deprived and just home from the ER, i asked Y to tell T, i could no longer host/attend the party but not give specifics into what i was going through. This was just an attempt to take something off my mental load and to avoid any follow up or questioning that i don’t have the capacity for. since we are mutuals and were invited together, i didn’t think anything of it. Y told T there was a scheduling conflict on my end and that they had just volunteered to tell T because i felt bad canceling. again, all i asked was that i get out of it with no detail into what truly happened. Y told me T was super understanding.
But then I received maybe joking(but felt passive aggressive) texts from T saying I should’ve just said it myself. I explained exactly why I didn’t: I’m going through something incredibly hard and didn’t have room for any more conversation with anyone beyond what was necessary or already ongoing and that i just needed some space from everyone for a while, that it was in no way personal.
This was not met with understanding. T felt slighted and assumed I had asked Y to lie for me just because I didn’t want to talk to them and go around them. This caused a lot of back and forth about feelings. They said it was disrespectful and they needed to set a boundary. I attempted to explain myself(exactly what I was trying to avoid) but it continued and i was asked for a heavy sit down discussion to move forward in our friendship once i’m ready. It did not even cross my mind that Y sending a text that i couldn’t go would cause such a large problem.
After my first response to T, I guess I was just expecting some grace and understanding after I explained I was not in the right headspace and going through something serious. I know they didn’t know the details of how heavy this all is and why a text feels so insignificant in comparison. and maybe they would’ve given more grace if they did, but I am not ready for them or frankly anyone to know. Am i the ahole?
Wait, T invited to you to a party and then told you that the party is actually at your house and you have to host? What?
sorry to clarify, i had some logistics i had to figure out to attend. T asked if id prefer hosting to have to avoid figuring that all out.
Oh ok, regardless T sounds like a bit much. NTA
NTA, Y could maybe have delivered the message a bit better but a True friend would back off after you explained yourself. It was and shoukd gave been enough.
T sounds exhausting and right now you can not use that. Focus on your partner right now. And when he hopefully makes a full recovery. See (or don’t) what is left of you and T’s friendship, and if it’s worth picking up.
NTA. Someone asked you last minute to HOST a party. You agree to this big change of plans, work and inconvenience. Something tragic happens in your life and you need to cancel and this same person is giving you shit??
T is an asshole. A BIG ONE. Think of it, not only did T ask you to host last minute, T is a liar who lead Y to belieev this was resolved only to attack you in secert.
Y did nothing wrong
You did nothing wrong
T is insufferable asshole and nothing is lost by their boundary.
NTA To me it sounds like T is very insecure or very distrusting and so their mind is jumping to and latching on to being lied to or avoided instead of the truth that you gave them. That’s not your fault or your problem. It’s something T needs to work through themselves likely with a professional. You’ve done what you can which is communicate to the extent you’re able why you needed to cancel the way you did, and that’s all you can do.