My mother (41F) messaged me yesterday, (we just had a beautiful baby shower this last weekend that she hosted), and asked “hey, have you decided on delivery day?”
I am 24, first time mom.
This was my response. Clear, respectful.
“I wanted you to be there but I understand your stance on not wanting to come if dad isn’t. We won’t be having visitors at the hospital – and we decided none at the house until we’re ready.
But we are asking that you all will need to be up to date on flu and tdap shots! (Flu season doesn’t end till May, whooping cough can be life threatening to infants) If you have those, as soon as we are ready then we’ll let you know to come to the house to meet him! (They need to be taken two weeks in advance to be effective, so getting them ASAP would be best in case he comes early!)
If you, dad, and the boys are not wanting or unwilling to get those shots we will be waiting until baby is up to date on his own vaccines before visiting in person. Same goes for partners parents and brothers, they just haven’t asked nor have we talked about it yet!
Extended family – when we’re ready – probably after baby is up to date on shots to be on the safest side as I don’t expect anyone other than immediate family to respect requests to be up to date on flu and tdap!”
On a phone call, She started with “I guess I’ll have to get vaccinated because I want to be able to meet my grandson” with an attitude and whine. She proceeded to cry and tell me how she’s so upset. No one will be there to support us, no one will be there to meet him. She wanted to come but she can’t in good conscience come unless my partner’s parents can come too. Bc I ONLY wanted her there. She proceeded to tell me how upset my dad will be because I’m his baby and I’m having a baby and how it’ll just be so upsetting to him that he can’t be there that waiting in the waiting room and waiting to be told that you can come is the whole point, being there to take pictures is the whole point. They’re so excited to meet him. My partner‘s family is so excited to meet him and they love me and they want to be there and they’re just so excited and what about my partner he wants them there how does he feel? I just can’t my conscious won’t allow me. It’s selfish.
She was crying the whole time and then started saying how she doesn’t wanna wait a day or weeks or months to see him because they changed so much from one day to one week. She kept saying how upset she was. “It’s just so upsetting.”
NTA, your baby’s health comes first. I’ll never understand people trying to manipulate like that.
NTA Add Covid vax
NTA. My brother and sister-in-law had the same requirements to meet my niece (they also required a COVID booster). My husband and I went and got the shots. My mom, dad and their spouses also got the RSV vaccine (husband and I weren’t eligible or we would have as well). It’s only a big deal because your mother-in-law is making it one. Normal people just go and do it because baby’s health should always come first.
You’re a great sibling. Sadly it is my mom and dad who are the problem, my in law’s are so supportive and understanding of mostly anything I say I want. The phone call to tell her about the shots lasted less than two minutes. my mom and I were on the phone for over an hour🙄
In future hang up on her. Treat her like you would a toddler having a tantrum. Your request is non-negotiable but she’s hoping she’ll wear you down. Don’t give her the chance. Hang up and don’t answer if she rings back.
NTA
I would be very tempted to say, “You know what would be even more upsetting, Mom? My baby dying of whooping cough.”
NTA.
Please don’t subject yourself to your mom’s crying and “it’s so upsetting” bit. What you are requiring is reasonable and medically sound. Don’t engage with her guilt and manipulation.
Focus on you and your new family of three. Focus on those who will make sure they have their vaccines up to date. Focus on the people who will respect you, celebrate you and this new life. Block everything else out.
NTA
They are willing to k*ll your child. That’s the bottom line here. They don’t think your child’s life is important enough to get vaccinated for, then they don’t get to meet baby. It’s that simple.
Sheesh when you put it like that.. you’re so right. I’ve asked for documentation for proof. if I don’t receive any they won’t be coming at any point till he’s got all of his own shots.
I’m a big believer in 6 weeks of privacy and recovery for mammy and baby, and here we get first jabs at 6 weeks too. Your babys health is more important than anyone elses feelings or issues around vaccinations. Your mother can cry all she wants, your baby doesn’t need to be one of those statistics that the government is counting at the end of the year. Imagine all the tears shed then. It’s unbelievable that people think it’s ok to expose a small baby to such huge germs. You are being a great mum by protecting your child, if people are upset by that, let them be upset and let them stay away. Your job now is to put that baby first, anyone that can’t deal with that can stay away. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground here. It doesn’t matter how far someone travels, it doesn’t matter how excited they are, it doesn’t matter that they might die next week because they are 150 years old, if they don’t want to protect your baby, they want to harm them, see them as dangerous people who only care about themselves and a photo opportunity.
Fyi baby isn’t considered fully vaccinated until they have 3 doses of tdap (so at 6 months), and they get their first influenza vaccine at 6 months too. Also, influenza exists all year round. So if your parents whinge then fine – they can’t see baby until 6 months. That sucks for them. It is much easier if they just get vaccinated themselves but it must be at least 2 weeks prior to meeting the baby, so their body has time to make enough antibodies for adequate protection.
Source: i am an ICU nurse, vax nurse, and midwifery educator – I loooove vaccines
NTA
You know what’s upsetting? Infants dying of preventable diseases that we have proven vaccines for.
What’s more upsetting is when grandparents would rather have a dead grandchild than bother getting vaccinated.
NTA
You know what’s more upsetting than not being there at the birth? Death and being at their funeral.
I was in hospital the other day and after being discharged I was on my way to the exit when I heard screaming behind me. I looked behind me to see a doctor running (towards the resuscitation unit in the emergency department) with a baby in his arms followed by the mother screaming her baby wasn’t breathing. I would hate to be in her position. Even more so if I was the one responsible for it because I didn’t want to get a simple vax shot.
No shot = no contact.