Husband and I (30s) have been married for a few years now. We’ve both had issues with some of each other’s sleeping habits the entirety of our marriage. I’ve changed the habits which directly impact his sleep when he brought it to me as an issue. He has refused to even consider my issues with his habits as even a serious issue.
For example, I had a habit of playing soothing sleep music on my phone while going to bed to help me fall asleep. I had a timer set for it to turn off an hour into playing but apparently he couldn’t fall asleep with it playing. I ended up changing it to watching something soothing instead without sound so it wouldn’t disturb him. On the other hand, he had a habit of having the dog sleep in the bed with us. The dog would jump on my head at all hours of the night and wake me up in a panic. Multiple times each night. I was getting less than 3 hours of sleep effectively each night and started to develop anxiety. It took nearly a year for him to take me seriously and have the dog sleep outside of our room in his own bed.
Over the past few years, my patience for convincing him something is a big deal to me has been dwindling. Recently, we got a new comforter set because he kept complaining about the old one having a weird smell. I couldn’t tell you what was smelling weird about it all of a sudden but he has a heightened sense of smell compared to most. For the past few weeks, I’ve been woken up multiple times each night by the chattering of my own teeth and my feet completely numb because he keeps turning on the A/C in the middle of the winter and pulling the entire comforter onto himself in his sleep. I told him my issue multiple times and each time he told me that if he turns on the heater at the set temperature, his nose gets really dry. I asked him to not keep pulling the comforter all to himself and he told me that he can’t control something he does in his sleep and i should feel free to pull it back if he keeps doing that, completely missing the point that to do so, i’ll still need to be woken up by freezing to death multiple times each night and not getting the sleep I need to function.
I got tired of arguing with him and trying to get him to see why this is an issue for me and took it into my own hands. I started going to bed a bit later, after he’s asleep and turning on the heater instead to 70 (he sets the A/C to 65), and I got out our old comforter and started using that instead. When he started complaining about it, I told him that since he’s refused to care about my quality of sleep, I’ve decided to take care of my issues in my own way. He called me an AH because he always thinks of my comfort and wellbeing with other things. I told him I gave him a fair chance to find a solution together but he couldn’t be bothered, but now I’m wondering if I am being an AH because he does actually consider my comfort and wellbeing with most other things (food, work, relaxation, hobbies, etc).
Geez, of course you’re NTA. You have to care for yourself. If he whines that you have an extra comforter he is very selfish. Often men unconsciously expect women to cater to them and that’s normal, but if the woman stresses her needs as important she is considered selfish. All women experience this. So just do what you need to do for your health, and let him think what he wants.
I mean it’s true he can’t know he’s pulling the comforter while sleeping, so yes the simple solution to that is to use another comforter.
But honestly, if y’all can’t decide how to sleep together, a simple solution is sleeping separately in different rooms. (If you have different rooms).
I had to convince my partner to have one duvet each but once we had them, she never wanted to go back.
Bonus points – get 2 kingsize or queensize duvets and make yourself a pair of cozy burritos.
Also, for OP: you can buy blindfolds with integrated earphones, so you can play sleep sounds without disturbing your partner.
My wife and I have completely different sleep schedules that slightly overlapped to wake the other up. We now sleep in different rooms and guess what? Our love for each other is the same and we get much more sleep. Took us twenty years to do separate rooms but I know we’re not going back. lol The last four have been very restful.
In Scandinavian countries, some people have their own preference-weight of comforter on their side of the bed (light weight, medium, heavy, etc.). And a lot of couples with issues similar to yours sleep in separate rooms (I mean for actual sleep). If I had to sleep in a room with a sweaty snoring man again (I did for years) I’d insist on my own room. Why didn’t I do so then? Live and learn.
NTA
Sleep deprivation is legally considered an act of torture. I am not joking. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List\_of\_torture\_methods](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_torture_methods) [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep\_deprivation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_deprivation)
If your husband is not aware of this fact, I suggest to remedy his ignorance.
If he is aware of this fact, and still continues to undermine your sleep, he’s not worth being married to.
ESH. You guys should sleep in separate beds/rooms or at the very least, use your own blankets. The separate bed thing is unconventional but people do it and honestly it might do wonders for your marriage.
Edit. Acronym. Realized I used the wrong one.
NTA, you need a “sleep divorce”–that is, you need separate rooms.
Nta. Sleep deprivation causes a whole cascade of unhealthy responses in your body.
Might be time for separate sleeping rooms
you guys just need your own bedroom each
NAH
Either get a bigger and warmer comforter, or go with two duvets, which is common in the nordic countries.
Don’t freeze for his sake, but don’t provoke his sense of smell.
Also: cold bedrooms are the best. Greetings from the land of open bedroom windows in the depth of arctic winter.
Separate bedrooms
NTA. But also E S H because this was exhausting just reading about it.
You have different needs when it comes to temperature and sound. Sleep headphones and separate blankets. Problem solved.
But he does seem to be pretty inconsiderate. I would tell him if he disagrees with something you’re doing or wants to change up something that affects you both, he needs to help you find solutions, not just do what he wants.
Ok first of all, I’d get some sleep headphones and have separate blankets.
That said, I’m having flashbacks to my own marriage just reading this and that, frankly, doesn’t bode well for you and your marriage. My ex and I had different sleep temperature needs; I suggested different blankets and they argued and said it was a sign of our relationship falling apart if we didn’t share bedding. Like, threw a fit about it. So I let it go. They would stay up late on the weekends gaming with their headset on when I had to work early the next morning and I would have to repeatedly ask for them to be quiet so I could sleep. They got annoyed that I interrupted them. They had to have everything exactly how they would want it but God forbid I rolled over in my sleep before they came to bed and ended up in the middle. Then it was a whole *thing* the next morning.
Everything from what pillows I wanted vs what pillows they wanted, to what sheets we bought, it had to be their preference. It wasn’t until we had been married for 12 years that I realized I wasn’t even allowing myself to have preferences at all and I had no idea what I even wanted or liked, and it wasn’t just sleep things. It was food, choice of vehicles when it came time to buy one, how long to keep the damn lawn, where I wanted to put houseplants. The only things I got to decide on were things they didn’t care about or that would take work to make happen.
If it’s happening in the bedroom, it’s happening everywhere else and you might not even realize how many things you’re letting go. NTA. Be careful.