AITAH to my addicted/homeless sibling?

I’m gonna mention suicidal things and other stuff besides self harm.

I (25f) fought with my sister(27f) yesterday and yelled at her right when I picked her up from the hotel she is staying at. Prior before this I’ll say things that triggered yesterday’s events.

Over the past few years, my sister has lost custody of her kids and my dad would step up to watch them. We both stayed with our dad due to the rise cost of living and myself going to school. Granted I went to an art school, my dreams are getting slowly crushed every time I would see people’s social media’s. Yet now, I’m kinda accepting it and now planning my death by two years from now. I’ll be writing up my pros and cons along with my will.

For the past few months of unemployment, my sister gets kicked out and her behavior doesn’t change much. We always fight with each other through yelling and have yet to put hands on each other until last year. (I walked off at that time with a knife and planned to cut myself at a park.) Through the year, I’ve had multiple attempts and lost many friends yet gain many. I don’t want to disturb anyone or feel like a burden. So, I’m planning to do a lot right before I go.

Either work on my relationship with her and my family and send them off with my death. Sealing that famous persons and hoping it’ll make money from my art and that’ll help them.

And including other things, we haven’t had the best relationship and I’m still taking care of her kids to help my dad as he’s an elder(50’s) slowly. He also, almost died this past summer. I think I helped fucked her life and I’m starting to regret everything to now planning my death as well.

I’m not sure if this is also a cry for help, but I just feel completely shitty and I also would like to mention. Every time she stresses me out with her issues. I end up venting to my family about it and my cousins either quit communicating or barely help her now. I’ve lost majority of my friends of either being cut off or cutting them off.

I just feel terrible and would like to join my mom now. I don’t feel like, I’m able to live up to much as of now… I got a useless degree and just feel like a waste of person.

I really wish I had magic or had superpowers to heal and solve wars, drug epidemics, cancer, mental health, make people walk, heal the fucking world.

This kinda sucks too, as 20 years ago I thought of being a princess who made stuff would be something to get my family out of problems. To be rich too, maybe Modern day asshole version of Vincent Van Gogh.

Also, I’m fucking fat as hell. Went from 350 at 19 when Mom died and now 25 being an asshole to everyone at 290.

I thought I would be like Michael Jackson and saving this floating rock in space. Maybe even talk to aliens.

I used to win a bunch of art awards to slowly being forgotten. National awards too, scholastic art and writing.