For context, my fiance (29m) and I(33f) are both diagnosed AuDHD, I have ARFID and don’t have a very large amount of foods I tolerate on a regular basis. As for a bit of other random/sorta relevant background, we’ve been together for 15 years and lived together for 10 of those years. He’s always been the one to try all the weird foods, but again, sometimes he gets on kicks where he just won’t eat enough.
Anyway, I’ve asked over and over, both politely and impolitely, admittedly, and he (mostly)always apologizes, agrees, and says that it is something he is working on. But… he doesn’t clean it up or seemingly make any efforts to grab the vacuum and when he does try to clean it up, there’s still some cereal left behind. Sometimes he also responds with “please stop getting on me so much” because he says I have tenancy to stack things I noticed need done and he says it overwhelms him. He’s a SAHM father to our two children (3yo and 9mo old) and I work part time as a dog trainer. I love my job a lot, but if you wanna be successful at it, it requires you to be available on your off days for make up classes and constantly learning more through continued education. I’m also in college though it is online only, but it’s still been so demanding for me and I’m not doing well due to how little time I feel I have to myself. I also have a disability that makes physical labor and housework really hard on my body, so it’s a lot of extra work on my body to be working, parenting (also exclusively bf our son), cleaning, working the dogs, etc.
Anyway, point of all this is that I’m debating just not buying fruity pebbles anymore because every time he eats them he gets them ALL OVER THE PLACE. He slept with a pile of them in his beard in his chair last night (our daughter still sleeps in bed with me and he started sleeping downstairs cuz of his back, she would kick him a lot cuz she’d face me and he’d get the wrath of her feet). When he grabs a handful from the box they fall all over like snowflakes. We do have 3 dogs. They all used to clean them up after him. They no longer do, they’ll eat larger amounts, but if they’re scattered? Naw. They couldn’t care less. The other issue though is that they are also one of my safe foods and my daughter loves them too. And it would suck to have to not buy something we love, too, but I’m frankly just tired of cleaning it up and I don’t want our kids to do what he’s doing too and triple the cleaning load. I’m usually the one who buys our food (I don’t drive, but we order delivery). But it is also a safe food for him and something he will eat even if there’s nothing else, and I care about him and want him to eat and take care of himself, but again, this just feels like way too much work.
Soooo anyway, would I be the asshole if I just stop buying fruity pebbles to solve this? Or is there another way? 😮💨
info – in the 10 years together, have you tried using cereal bowls instead of using a fist as a utensil/serving “bowl”?
honestly, this sounds like the only real solution. even if you want to eat them dry, put them in a bowl and use a spoon. i do this all the time. no mess, crunchy snack, win/win.
ESH. Both of you need to get your shit together for your kids’ sakes.
Just start using a bowl.
A bowl or baggie – is he feral?? Put 3YO in their own bed – gotta learn one way or another it won’t hurt for too long but harder the longer you wait. Also you can’t work on cleaning lol you do it or do not, he does not and that is quite gross and lazy.
ESH
NTA. First, stop buying Fruity Pebbles. Then, keep an empty Fruity Pebbles box and fill it with dry dog food. When he goes for what he thinks is Fruity Pebbles, he will get dog food. When he asks why you would do that, tell him it’s because the dogs will clean it up when he spills it on the floor.
Food and drink at the table.
He can eat out of a box, he can eat in just socks. But for all that is good and able, sit your ass at the table.
The end.
INFO- Your household sounds a bit chaotic. Does your fiancé do any housework when he’s at home with the kids?
He cleans up his mess, or he doesn’t get them. The end.
It’s absolutely ridiculous that he’s acting like a 3 year old.
NTA. This is a hygiene issue. If he won’t clean up after himself, he’s forcing you to do it because otherwise the hygiene issue will get worse. Does he appreciate that? If he doesn’t care about hygiene for himself, does he also not care about it for your children and you? What strategies has he considered to make it easier for him not to spill, or to not have to clean up? It would be extremely unfair if you had to stop buying one of your few safe foods just because he won’t clean up after himself. I have ADHD, so I know it’s hard, but given the amount of pressure it’s putting on you, he needs to figure out a better strategy here. Does he understand the implications of you not being able to buy a safe food just because he can’t figure out how to clean up? If he does understand, does he care?
Edit: pressed send too soon
INFO: She was 18 while he was ~~you were~~ 14, right? She’s (OP) stunted and won’t be otherwise without lots of therapy.
ESH. You are TA because you’re not getting at the root of the problem. The fruity pebbles aren’t the issue. Your boyfriend refusing to clean up after himself is the problem. What else are you going to eliminate from your life in order to maintain a clean house? By the time you’re done, your house is going to be a large padded cell with no furniture. A 29 year old man is no longer “working on” himself. He is how he is. You don’t need apologies or fake agreements. If they were sincere, he would have worked out his issues already. You permanently tied your finances and children to another child, and now you’re living with the consequences. How are you trusting him to be an effective SAH father when he can’t even clean up cereal spills? I can’t believe you actually had two children with this man. Didn’t you see how things were going after the first child?
I mean, he’s a slob with fruity pebbles. So, nta. But you have bigger issues. He’s a SAHM who’s not doing all of the cleaning. Fine, you must have a good job and can justify keeping him. Checks notes. You’re a PT dog trainer on disability? Im sorry, but really? Unless there’s some super inheritance that happened, I don’t get how he’s the SAHM. You sure, but him? It doesn’t add up here. This whole situation isn’t adding up to be functional.